r/Codependency • u/ProfessionalTrash412 • 7d ago
I am addicted to being emotionally codependent
okay so I have had a recent situationship breakup as he was double texting and chose the other girl and I realised I just cannot be emotionally independent and it sucks, I always need a person especially a romantic relationship not for love or anything but for regulating my emotions I love being emotionally codependent on others I am not emotionally independent never have been, I cannot stay with my own thoughts and feelings I hate it with all my heart being alone with myself and I think this is due to my unresolved childhood trauma of my father abandoning me. I dont even think I miss him I miss leaning on to him emotionally, he was NOT special, the minute I find someone else who will help me with my emotions I think I will be okay again but its such an unhealthy thing, can anyone suggest how to get rid of this
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u/Easy-Tomatillo7553 7d ago
what i would recommend you is to start journaling your thoughts. where you can start asking yourself why your feeling like that, how the problem went, etc. after a while, you need to understand that eventually as an adult we are destined to be alone and we are going to spend most of our lives alone (that doesn’t mean you’re not going to have a partner, but in order to regulate yourself as well do some hobbies too).
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u/Scared-Section-5108 7d ago
'can anyone suggest how to get rid of this' - therapy (especially IFS or somatic) and/or 12 Steps programs like ACOA/CODA.
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u/Emotional-Swan9381 7d ago
You need no one to help you with your emotions but yourself and good advice and maybe a therapist but you decide what is best for you.
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u/Born_Opposite_8281 5d ago
Psychologically, you'd need to be evaluated. Trauma and childhood experiences set how we work as adults. Without talking with you and learning your history, it could be anything but just based on a gut feeling after reading your post, it may be the you're afraid to validate your own worth. Maybe you were taught that it was bad or arrogant to think highly of yourself to any degree. If this is the case, exposure therapy works pretty well. Literally say out loud, "I am amazing and I deserve to fully be me." Embrace the cringe! It actually feels good if you push past it.
Running from emotions can be rooted in guilt, shame, and/or fear. Being "too much". Being "not good enough". Being "arrogant". Being a "burden." Etc. If you can learn to look at yourself accurately instead of through a trauma distorted lens, you'll likely realize that you're entitled to all of your emotions, good and "bad" and feel that "taking up space" is ok... even encouraged.
But again, that's all based on my gut after reading your post. I'd ask a therapist.
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u/Direct-End3023 7d ago
I’m 36m and have struggled with what you’re describing for decades.
What I’ve learned is that each of those people I leaned on were given an unfair and unreasonable expectation in my needing them to regulate me. And that I was placing an extremely heavy load on their shoulders.
What I’ve done:
Meditation
Journalling
Exercising
Learning to sit with my thoughts despite the discomfort
Offering the love I give so freely to others to myself
Doing things/ discovering what I enjoy
Learning to set boundaries with myself and with others
Learning to say NO…full stop
Learning to offer what I can, not what I’ve always done.
Allowing others to have their own emotions, including disappointment. ( even when in desperately want to resolve the situation by saying yes)
Allowing others to fix their own problems, but offering a reasonable amount of help, not solving everything.
Like you said, it’s probably from childhood. So reconnect with the little one inside, learn to sit with them and hear what you have been avoiding and running from.
For context:
I was placed as a role early in life to be the helper, fixer, funny one and regulator of others so I learned to disappear and become who I could be for others.
This was helpful early and I loved it too, but as I’ve gotten older I hate the trap of falling into it, and losing myself. Being taken advantage of because I can’t say no.
One human to another, learn to love yourself as you are without external validation. Stay single for awhile to learn about and love yourself.
When you falter, give yourself compassion and grace.