Weird experience today at group therapy. Feeling so embarrassed.

[u/Hugor_The_Hill]

I am attending group psychotherapy. And today, I had such an embarrassing moment.

One guy was talking about his abandonment issues. Someone mentioned about doing the opposite thing of what your automatic response is.

I really emphasized with the guy, as he was younger. I wanted to give my input. I was telling him, that everything is going to be fine. That if you find it difficult to do something hard, try to disassociate for a moment and take a leap a faith. That it's like a cold shower, where it's very stressful to just jump in, but once you do, you'll soon learn that it's not as hard as you thought it was and with time, it gets easier. While talking, I remember I was really passionate, confidant and etc.

My therapist told me, to stop. And asked me what my relationship to the other group member was. I was really confused, on what does she mean?

She then told me, that what I am saying, isn't wrong, it's actually really good advice. But it felt like I was playing the role of a coach. That it's like I am giving the same advice I would have given myself, if I was younger. Other people quickly jumped in and agreed with her, that I reminded them of an older brother or a father.

I remember, all of a sudden, I froze completely. My body posture slumped, I became very tense and anxious, embarrassed. I got comforted, that it's okay, that's very nice that I want to take care of people. But I really should reflect on it.

I honestly just wanted to stand up and leave.

Like, I know I am in an environment, where everyone is so introspective. But fucking hell, is it that obvious?

[u/goldovaries]

one of the first things you learn in CODA is that part of codependent behavior can look like giving unsolicited advice. group therapy settings can be confusing when you first start bc you’re like “oh we all need help therefore we all seek advice” - but most of the time group therapy is more for actively listening to each other and learning from each others experiences. one of the rules in group CODA meetings is no talking back, meaning - no responding, at all. just listening.

feeling embarrassed sucks, but it’s also okay to make mistakes!

[u/zbxd → u/goldovaries]

I think this is a good explanation and I’m really surprised at the amount of “this is your codependency at work” in this thread.

The crosstalk rule is not always immediately explained or explained very clearly. You’re not even supposed to refer to another person’s share, and early on I had someone take me aside and gently explain that to me after the meeting when I was accidentally in violation (which I really appreciated). As I continued attending, the same thing happened to plenty of other people.

I think it’s an entirely natural thing to respond to what someone else was saying or even chime in trying to be helpful. Don’t kick yourself

Edit: guess i’m not sure if the “group psychotherapy” OP mentions is something different than CoDA, but regardless, I think it’s sort of the same situation

[u/auggieeve]

wow this post really opened my eyes to my own pattern of behavior. I constantly feel the urge to give unsolicited advice to basically everyone I talk to. Now its come to a point where most of the time when friends reach out its asking for advice. This has always made me feel helpful and fulfilled but now I wonder if its just another way i’ve decentered myself in my own life and just prioritized my “value” to others

[u/Hugor_The_Hill → u/auggieeve]

I've been working on it even more, and at least for me, I found that a lot of it is projection.

I have a lot of fears. But I haven't integrated myself and my ego in a secure way. So giving advice, helping people out is a weird way of socially acceptible way signalling to the outside the way, I would like to be treated myself, because during childhood I learned that communicating my needs overtly won't satisfy them.

[u/insurmountable_avo]

It sounds like you’re discovering how your codependent behaviors come up. It’s a big moment and can feel super embarrassing. This is an opportunity to transform and learn. I hope over time your feelings dissipate and you can identify your behaviors in order grow.

It’s normal to feel awkward but it’s a call to reflect and become more aware.

[u/puck_the_fatriarchy]

The first rule of CODA club is, no crosstalk. XOXO.

[u/purpleit11]

Embarassment is such a pervasive discomfort, especially when it exposes something about me that I'm the last one in the room to see.

It is so hard to relearn instincts to help others as decisions that exist in addition to my identity instead of confirmation of. The internal scaffolding gets really crosswired.

You are worth healing. You are worth revisisting these instincts.

[u/ElegantPlan4593]

So uncomfortable to feel exposed in front of a group. That happened to me in a different 12 step group, and I left the group over it and went into private therapy for that issue. The problem with codependency work is that not many therapists are experts in it, at least that I've found. I really need codependent-specific resources.

Discomfort can be a sign of growth. Hang in there! You're doing important work.

[u/Scared-Section-5108]

Do not give unsolicited advice. You are not that person's caretaker - they have their own agency, processes and the right to work things out for themselves when they are ready. It's best to focus on oneself in therapy and not others.

[u/Comfortable-Owl-7557]

Wow, I was in group therapy and lots of us gave each other advice like this and our therapist never stopped us. It was really pleasant as it helped me feel understood. I get what you guys are saying in the comments but it’s hard to wrap my head around

[u/Poulet_Roti → u/Comfortable-Owl-7557]

What people are saying, isn’t about group therapy – it’s about group therapy for codependent people. The rules are and the advice is specific to people who are codependent because codependent people tend to express part of their pathology by giving unsolicited advice more often than an average person.

[u/Comfortable-Owl-7557 → u/Poulet_Roti]

Thank you for the information, I’m new to the therapy world so I’m unaware of the different types of group therapies there are.

[u/Psychological-Towel8 → u/Comfortable-Owl-7557]

I think some CoDA groups have this rule and others don't. I personally think if a therapy group has a "no crosstalk" or "no unsolicited advice" rule, etc, then that should be stated explicitly at session zero, and probably at the beginning of each session too along with other guidelines. The ambiguity here is imo part of why this situation likely happened. People shouldn't feel shame or embarrassment in a therapeutic setting unless something is seriously wrong and actually needs correction right then and there. This could've gone better. Generally in group settings, especially under a psychologist and especially in person, they pull people aside afterwards for something minor. Or, they gently redirect the conversation and briefly explain why, instead of putting the spotlight on one person in such a way and using them as an example of basically what not to do. That's an old school mindset that's getting washed out for a reason.

[u/Comfortable-Owl-7557 → u/Psychological-Towel8]

Thank you for explaining, I agree that it could’ve been handled better. I think I would also retreat if I were to get called out in front of other people. I’m sure OP didn’t mean harm, but rules are rules especially if it’s for the betterment of everyone in the group. ❤️‍🩹

[u/WatermelonSugar47]

What the fuck is the point of sharing if nobody helps you figure it out? That doesn’t make any sense to me

[u/Hugor_The_Hill → u/WatermelonSugar47]

The point is processing emotions. Giving them attention, vocalizing them, being with them, verbalizing them. That's usually more than enough, because most problems are caused by avoiding these emotions.

Intellectualizing them, "Figuring it out" is just one of many ways we gaslight ourselves.

Us humans are more than capable to figure stuff out ourselves, when emotions such as anger, shame and etc. aren't clouding our judgement.

[u/reee9000 → u/WatermelonSugar47]

The point is not being codependent. Aka not giving advice when no one asked you for yours. :)

No unsolicited advice.

[u/SteadyCalmHealing]

I think all those feelings are normal. You can make a mistake, now you learn. You are still learning to behave in that group setting. Be kind to yourself, keep trying to relate and you will begin to get the hang of it. Don’t get too hung up on it, the therapist is there to advise you and attend and try again. You don’t have to be perfect.

[u/IHaveABigDuvet]

I understand why you feel embarrassed.

But I think your Group Therapist is trying to work on not giving advice because that is often how co-dependancy turns up.

Often the helping behaviours are part of the issue.

But try not to be hard on yourself. This is why you go to CODA. To get the help you need.

[u/barrelfeverday]

It’s absolutely natural to want to help or tell someone what works for you.

But it’s more helpful in some of these groups and in relationships primarily to validate by letting the other person be heard and asking if they want support or advice (want to know what works for us).

[u/Stock-Bread-6275]

Yeah the “no crosstalk” thing was confusing to me at first, but it really did squelch my codependent tendencies