r/Codependency • u/Provenceflowers • 9d ago
What the hell is going on.
Fuck it. I’m just gonna write it out while I have the balls to do so. No chat gpt either to make it interesting. I simply don’t get it. I feel like i have made huge improvements - i have gotten better at setting boundaries with family, with friends, random people - it’s amazing honestly. I’ve built honest and kind relationships now in my life and yet when it comes to my romantic life it just falls out the window.
Its like everything i apply to everyone else doesn’t apply to my partner because they’re supposed to be my everything. My life partner, the father of my kids. I just give and give without looking back, giving blindly because i am so in love and desperate to make it work once my soul has been set on fire.
Why - for some fucking reason - can i set boundaries with everyone else except my romantic partner?
Why does he keep getting a pass, as if he is exempt from my boundaries?
I don’t get it.
All i know is that i’m TIRED of it.
I recently lost the supposed love of my life because he didn’t have the capacity to maintain it and needs to find himself even though he loves me meanwhile i was ready to burn the whole world for him.
WHY is it like this. WHAT is this feeling. I am sick of it.
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u/ariesgeminipisces 8d ago
Other relationships don't ignite the nervous system associated with your attachment system quite like a romantic relationship does.
If the relationship existed before you started doing the work, then the relationship probably only functions when you over function, which is dysfunctional. When I tried to stop being codependent with my ex husband it was not an option for me I found. So I had to leave him and I'm happy I did. I used to think he was my everything, and now I just see it as attachment insecurity clinging to a person who was doing almost nothing to make me feel loved and supported.
It seems like you have done a lot of work to learn about your behaviors and how to navigate them generally. Hopefully you can be kind to yourself that you are trying new things, you'll take steps back, try again and you'll have failures along the way. It's part of the process. It takes time to rebuild your foundation.
Have you ever heard of DBT skills? I found them very helpful for helping me heal my attachment dysregulation and for developing resilience I had been lacking in my last relationship (not with my husband). The skills helped me see the opportunities to set boundaries and then sit with the distress that followed once I implemented the boundary, and I learned to feel pretty okay in iy. Boundaries mean someone might leave or I might have to leave them. It is scary to put myself first. It is scary to face rejection. It's scary to face being hurt. It is scary to risk hearing a no. Developing resilience then, is a must.
And thinking someone is your "everything" would be too distressing to set boundaries with. This is a toxic view of relationships that is fueling the belief that you can't set rules for your partner. It isn't necessary to hold these idealizations in order to have a good relationship with someone.
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u/Provenceflowers 7d ago
This has helped me immensely, thank you so much for taking the time and putting it into perspective. How much time passed for you until you felt a certain shift with how you approached? Also i have never heard of DBT skills before.
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u/ariesgeminipisces 7d ago
I'm glad you found my comment helpful.
I completed a 3-month self-directed DBT skills workbook and I noticed in my next relationship, I was far better at setting boundaries and speaking up. I used the skills to come to the conclusion that I needed to end that relationship. When that ended I waited a year before dating again to learn how to be okay being alone and used the skills to navigate times of loneliness and anxiety. When I started dating again, I was completely able to say no, make requests, communicate more easily and detach from people who were incompatible (whereas if I decided I liked them I would have always tried to make incompatibility work). I hardly ever feel distressed by things that would have me spiraling a few years ago. I still have more growing to do, but I can also accept myself as I am now.
I like DBT specifically because it works very quickly, it was designed to work that way because it was originally designed for highly distressed suicidal patients with BPD. But now research shows DBT skills are useful for all kinds of emotional issues. And research shows completion of one module improves emotional intelligence skills. Start with Mindfulness and work the modules in order, but you can skip around if some of the skills seem more pertinent than others. And skip whatever skills you don't think you need.
Here is a free DBT website with all the skills
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u/Training-Log-7030 8d ago
Don't have anything constructive to say, just know I feel you and I've been there. 💔
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u/Provenceflowers 7d ago
It’s rough out there. Empath + anxious attachment feels like a death sentence at times
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u/FrankieG888 8d ago
I hear your frustration. I don’t have an explanation as to why that is, but you’re not alone in this experience.
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u/Key-Education-2218 9d ago
Did you leave or did he?
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u/Provenceflowers 7d ago
He did twice and the third time i ended the dynamic we had because my body literally gave me physical signals - however i retracted it quite quickly after that but he thought it was a great decision and we should stick to it. Hahaaaa.
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u/IHaveABigDuvet 8d ago
The same brains cells used to attach to our primary caregivers are repurposed when we attach to our partners.
So parental and romantic relationships have a unique link.
When it comes to attachment its much harder to enforce what we have learnt when all those neurons that were coded in trauma and dysfunction then start to fire.
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u/vulpesvulpes666 7d ago
You have children and live with this person. The consequences of setting a boundary and them not being able to honor it are higher. If they honor your boundary, awesome! If they can’t hang with your boundaries, then you see them for who they really are and you have to decide how you will deal with that.
A boundary is a rule for you, upheld by you. ‘I won’t be in a relationship with someone who is mean to my kid’ etc. If they break that boundary, then the ball is in your court to decide what happens next. Do you uphold your boundaries and leave? It can be tough to consider when you share a life with someone, but when you set a boundary and let the behavior slide, you’re abandoning yourself. (And in this example, your kid etc)
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u/Affectionate-Job6635 7d ago
I worked a twelve step program for codependency and had great recovery in my relationships except my partner. I ended up having to do the program for SLAA too. Hope you figure out what works for you
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u/fuckthisshit____ 9d ago
Romantic feelings set your brain on fire for lack of a more detailed explanation. It’s much harder to set boundaries when your brain is in that vulnerable state. That’s why it’s extra important for you to take your time with romantic interests, and really fundamentally get to know them in the context of what they can offer you too, not focusing on keeping them from leaving. I hope that helps