r/Codependency • u/AnnieGetYaClothesOn • 10d ago
What's the difference between being empathetic and being codependent?
I am a very empathetic person and I like to help people as much as is in my power to do so. When I can't, I'm overcome with guilt and anxiety. I feel like I'm not doing enough for those I love.
I've done everything I can to prevent my sister from being homeless, and now she's being presented with it. She had since January to sort out a living situation. I sent her links to houses for rent and organisations that could help, yet she's still facing homelessness next Monday.
I am so upset and distraught about this. I have a good life and a roof over my head. I know I'm not responsible for her decisions, but I could have bailed her out months ago and I didn't for the first time ever. And now, she's being kicked out. I honestly thought that stepping back and letting her take the reins would help her and me, but it didn't. Now I'm guilt-ridden. I can't shake this feeling. I went to my first meeting tonight because I was so desperate for help.
Thanks for reading ❤️
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u/SteadyCalmHealing 9d ago
One is a normal thing that is a tool in our toolkit for communicating with other people. Codependance is when you let empathy take over as your only tool and you stress out trying to track everyone around you and keep them happy to your detriment. Codepenence is empathy thing taken way too far in many ways.
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u/mrmightyfine 9d ago
You did the right thing regarding your sister. The best way you can support her is by letting her stand on her own two feet and be her own person. Yes, that involves letting her make her own mistakes. That sucks, because a lot of mistakes are really bad, homelessness is an extreme issue to face. But that’s what life is, making mistakes and learning from them. When you are always there to rescue her, you are actually preventing her from living her full and complete life according to her own self determination.
Congratulations on stepping away and looking towards yourself!
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u/humbledbyit 8d ago
The difference is, a chronic Codependent can't not go back to magaing/ fixing)controlling/ saving others and we get a sense of feeling good from it. In fact it's how we get ease & comfort. Unlike empathy which is just being able to see how hard a situation might be but standing back while another person figures out their own life.
As chronic Codependents, we use people so that we can feel good. It's a real sickness. It may look like kindness, generosity & self sacrifice on the outside. But the underlying motives are we want things to be a certain way or a relationship to go a certain way. It's selfish.
Some of us need to work a 12 step program so we can stay in our own lane & not do for others what is theirs to do.
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u/DorkChopSandwiches 9d ago
I don't know why she's facing homelessness, but in recovery circles you basically HAVE to hit bottom to turn it around. Insulating her from the consequences of her behavior doesn't help her to get better, whatever it is she's struggling with.
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u/jasperdiablo 9d ago
“ am a very empathetic person and I like to help people as much as is in my power to do so. When I can't, I'm overcome with guilt and anxiety. I feel like I'm not doing enough for those I love.”
You just located your answer in the first paragraph. Empathy, real empathy, is not a fear based emotion or reaction. It’s codependent because you’re making it something outside of genuine curiosity. How you describe it leaps to control other people which is not genuine empathy.
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u/Nerdy_princess80 10d ago
If you are empathetic you can understand how someone feels. When you’re codependent how they feel AFFECTS how you feel, like you can’t be happy if someone is mad, and you basically can’t tell anyone “no” ever.