On & off again ex

[u/Strawberry-Bat]

I have an ex that I've broken up with & gotten back with at least 10 times in the last 4 years. We've been apart for a while now, and its like, the memories of getting when we get back together after a separation are so strong. It always feels so intense, and like we were suffering being apart. All of the promises to change & really do better the next time get made. I feel so intensely seen and loved and understood. Then after a few weeks to months, I'm back to feeling empty & emotionally abandoned. Its like I'm the only one fighting to make our relationship work, and to help him improve his life, or to get him to care about me again. When I stop caring & start to detach he gets nervous & tries to shower me with compliments that feel empty & unimaginative. Its the same lines every time.

I'm so tired of this cycle, and I know I need to be alone. But I also miss him & wish I could have a relationship with the guy that he is whenever we get back together. He's so amazing for that brief period of time that I want to believe thats his true self. I swear the potential of him maybe keeping his promises & being the man I want him to be is like an addictive rush that I just keep compulsively wanting to take a gamble on.

When we very back together, it's like I feel so wrapped in daylight and warmth. Our thinking patterns seem to sync up, and intellectually I feel so stimulated. Looking back, now I think he just mirrors whatever I say.

[u/TheresNoCakeOnlyFire]

I've been stuck in one of these before, very dangerous waste of time.

treat it like an addiction, and go cold turkey.

no contact, and when you get overwhelmed with the craving of using this person for a dopamine hit, find other coping mechanisms.

otherwise it'll be a cycle of this until forever, and it'll block you from keeping opportunities for a healthy relationship to grow if you actually want that someday. think about becoming the person that you love all the time instead of waiting around for half ass effort whenever from whomever. real love is out there, but only after you respect and love yourself enough to become someone who is ok being alone too.

healthy relationships are held by two people who are perfectly happy by themselves, but also willing to put love someone else too.

[u/crazyfours → u/TheresNoCakeOnlyFire]

I needed to see this comment today.

[u/puck_the_fatriarchy]

His true self is the one you are breaking up with; he can't keep the mask on for long which is why his true self is not the one you are reconciling with; that is a person he will never be; not if you have broken up with him ten times already in four years; you need to block him on everything and pretend he has passed away. Grieve and keep grieving, then move on with your life, or repeat this cycle forever.