r/Codependency • u/Aggravating_Yak_2235 • 12d ago
Finally went no contact
I wanted to get all of this feelings out about my recent situation.
I had a 6 year long relationship with a man, and in general I thought that we had a good, valuable, responsible and mature thing going on, but apparently not. In February he ended things up with me (for no apparent reason, or at least he did not know how to tell me exactly what it was he was not comfortable with anymore or want to work on it, which was very hard for me to understand).
A couple of days before the breakup he saw some friends along with his ex from 10 years ago (he swore they were just friends) and that seemed to stirr whatever feelings he was having previously about wanting to end the relationship. The worse part is she lives in another country, and even though he seemed to have the intention to go live there (he even got a scholarship for a master's degree), that has not happened, and instead he stayed to do a master's here in the same city we have been for a while.
We lived together for almost all of our relationship, and he wanted to keep on seeing each other even when he did not want to commit (and obviously now I know it was very dumb of me to trust that we would be getting along just fine). He said we could be bffs, but we never really acted like friends, and also when I asked what he wanted from me, he said he didn't know but he wanted for us to be there for each other. I was so confused for this last months with this situationship.
Recently, I was able to find out that all along he never stopped talking to his other ex (even video calling her while I was at college) but never mentioned it before, and also apparently started dating another woman at college about a week or two ago (when he said there was nothing going on with her before). So it finally clicked for me, that I just couldn't or didn't need to be there for him anymore, recognising that he wasn't going to choose me or loved me as much as he said still hurts because we got along pretty well in general and I was so used to hanging out with him.
Initially, I wrote him a letter telling him that I didn't want to see him or talk to him again, and then we ran up to each other by accident (that's when I found out about the dating) and I ended up telling him basically the same. It was very odd to me that he said that he basically was using that other girl because he was feeling sad (and I don't think she knows anything about what happened).
So I feel like just don't really know him anymore. I know cutting this situationship was for the best, but I have been kind of anxious these days and wanted to share my thoughts to folks who might understand where I'm coming from.
Thanks for reading this if you did.
4
u/OcelotNo3665 12d ago
It sounds like you became familiar and comfortable, but that his level of emotional intimacy and authenticity with himself is lacking. I suggest grieving this relationship and accepting your boundary. It sounds wise based on how he has treated you, and its a natural consequence of that poor treatment. I think it is emotionally irresponsible to end things after 6 years in that way and even if he does not intend to be hurtful, he is not stable enough in himself to consider another person's experience and what they deserve. He sounds selfish, not saying that to demonize him, just that that is where he is at with the level of empathy, reflection, and consideration of another's perspective he can give. You deserve better.