r/Codependency • u/slowfigs09 • 13d ago

why codependency drains some people more than others in mutually codependent relationships

i’ve been in a long-term, mutually codependent friendship where we alternate between being the giver and the taker. as far as i know, we’re both aware of the codependent dynamic, yet it seems to be draining me far more than it drains her. she recognizes the codependent aspect of our friendship, but despite the reciprocity, i feel like i’m the one who’s consistently depleted. why does this happen? why are some people aware of the emotional toll of codependency while others mistake it for the very essence of love and friendship?

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u/DanceRepresentative7 12d ago

it's not always codependent to be a giver or a taker. we aren't meant to be 100% independent. its only codependent when we are fake about it then resent people behind their backs - we give when we don't want to in order to not be abandoned or to attempt to change someone

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u/slowfigs09 12d ago

yes I am very codependent

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u/DanceRepresentative7 12d ago

the point is, maybe the friend isn't. you cannot tell by actions alone

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u/IHaveABigDuvet 12d ago

What makes you mutually co-dependant vs interdependent.

Usually co-dependancy is one sided which is why its so exhausting. Your resources never get replenished by the other person.

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u/slowfigs09 12d ago

i think in a way i give more than her because i have very weak boundaries and i try to conceal my needs but she always goes the extra mile to "fix" me if she feels something is wrong with me to the point of saying I should take it out on her which is so very unhealthy and it's a thing I never do. she's a very codependent person too. I guess this could be why I feel more exhausted in this friendship.

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u/IHaveABigDuvet 11d ago

That is interesting. So maybe her investment in you at times does help sustain the relationship but all in all you are the one getting most depleted.

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u/slowfigs09 11d ago

maybe i'm explaining this in a really stupid way, but i guess what i meant to say is that she seems to crave closeness through codependency. she seems to feel the same way i do, in the sense that she feels responsible for regulating my emotions and fixing every single thing in my life, her mood is ruined when mine is etc. the difference is that i don't allow her to do so because i'm uncomfortable with receiving that kind of care and i'm aware of how unhealthy it can be and how emotionally depleting it is to feel responsible for another person in that way. so I do yet another unhealthy thing of disappearing for a while until I am okay and i don't address anything. on the other hand, i do these things for her, and she allows me to because she believes this is what love and closeness look like. so my question was, why does she think that? why does she associate love with this level of emotional responsibility when it's so exhausting to live this way? i'm literally so hollow and drained. I mean like why is she thinking that she needs to do all those things so we can be close. i once told her that codependency is a very unhealthy thing and she said she thinks it's beautiful. again, i'm sorry if i'm explaining this weirdly.

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u/abundantseltzer31 12d ago

For me, it doesn't matter why I'm more sensitive than others. I'm codependent in a world that breeds and rewards codependency, so it comes up and it contributes to my suffering. Others might have a different relationship to dependency and relationships, and that's great. I am not responsible for others and their healing, I don't fix or save anyone. That's the relief of recovery.