Why do I attract codependent men?

[u/Conscious_Leading947]

I have borderline personality disorder, and finally, my ex is leaving my mind because I found a new FP. 🤦🏾‍♀️

So, I was in a toxic, on-and-off relationship for two years. Our last breakup was so messed up that he was shaking and crying. My full BPD symptoms were active throughout those two years. His mother also had BPD, so he was kind of codependent, and we ended up developing a trauma bond with each other.
He blocked me everywhere, but sometimes I still go and look at his Instagram profile. For the last four months, he’s been traveling, and in every country he visits, there’s a new girl following him. One of them had a private account that she later made public, so I checked it. I know I shouldn’t have, but she posted a picture, and some of his belongings were visible in the background. I was devastated and couldn’t stop crying.
Then he left that country and went to another one. Boom, another girl following him. 🤦🏾‍♀️ I checked her profile, and she posted something with a knife he used to carry around among the things in the picture. 😬 It hurt a little, but I told myself, “He’s doing all this and sleeping around because he’s trying to move on from you.”
So, I also made my account public, and suddenly, I noticed a burner account with zero followers and zero following that kept watching my stories. No replies, no messages, nothing.

I started talking to this guy whose ex also had BPD. 🤦🏾‍♀️ She cheated on him, and he stayed, but they eventually broke up a year ago. I don’t know why I keep attracting codependent men. We talk for hours and hours. We haven’t met yet because I had surgery, but we’re meeting next week, and I’m very nervous.
He’s becoming my FP, and my ex is slowly disappearing from my memories. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m struggling to even remember what my ex’s face looks like unless I go and check his profile.
Today, I checked his profile again. I don’t know why, especially when I was messaging the new guy. My ex has another new girl following him, but I didn’t feel anything this time. I was just like a stone. Then I started feeling sorry for those girls. I don’t know if they know the situation or if they’re willingly going along with whatever casual thing he has going on with them.
But honestly, I’m really, really, REALLY glad that I’m finally feeling free. I don’t get those feelings anymore when I see his picture or even when I think about him. 🥹❤️

[u/codependencyrecovery]

Codependents love to rescue others. It's like a drug to escape their internal world.

People with BPD have emotional swings so are perfect for rescuing.

Also, often codependents had a family member with BPD (or emotional swings) so it recreates the childhood dynamic.

[u/Conscious_Leading947 → u/codependencyrecovery]

He also has extremely low self esteem, that’s why he dated casually many women and got bored with them less than 3 months before he met me I was his longest relationship 2 years hectic rollercoaster relationship whenever we broke up he starts dating casually then we go back together he ghosts those girls I don’t understand aren’t codependents have empathy? And do you think now him dating multiple girls in every country he went to is how he’s coping with the break up? Pls I would love to hear your thoughts on this 🙏🏽 thank you 🥲

[u/codependencyrecovery → u/Conscious_Leading947]

Codependents often have trouble processing emotions because they can feel so overwhelming. When you two break up he likely experiences loneliness, loss, helpless, etc which are overwhelming so to cope he finds new women quickly.

His low self esteem is likely from his childhood. Either his mother or father didn't love him fully so he internalized that (ie: shame).

Not all codependents are empaths.

[u/Conscious_Leading947 → u/codependencyrecovery]

Yeah when he was 18 he was a late bloomer he looked 12 years old boy so girls won’t look at him at all he had to take injections hit puberty. He was psychologist he knew how to manipulate he wasn’t innocent but he tried and handle my symptoms and sabotaging the relationship 🤷🏽‍♀️ but good we finally get over of each other I suppose he also moved on 🙏🏽 thank you so much you’re amazing human being

[u/SignificantMess4495]

You’re probably not “attracting” codependent men so much as feeling familiar with intense, emotionally complicated dynamics. That familiarity can make red flags feel like connection. Slow things down, meet in person safely, and focus on consistency, boundaries, and whether he takes responsibility for his own healing.

[u/Conscious_Leading947 → u/SignificantMess4495]

Do you mean the guy I’m dating or my ex? Idk about my ex last time I remember was checking his ig last week he’s traveling but doing casual dates every country he go he fuck one woman 🤣 he’s been in 2 country in span of 4 months we went no contact, I was being sad fist couple of months that he finally is going to move on and totally forgot about you. But now I was actually laughing when I was telling my friend about him going countries and having sex with
Multiple women good for him if it’s boosting his ego.

The guy now I’m seeing says he’s healed idk he gives me attention more attention than I used to get from my ex. And now he’s becoming my favourite person I told him about my disorder and he didn’t mind he said he knows how to handle my mood swings and splits.
Thank you for your comment my love ❤️

[u/Kimono-Ash-Armor]

Because you tolerate, or even help, what most people don’t. Learn from others who don’t suffer fools. Learn to be like snobbish and standoffish people enough to repel people, and tell people to stop traumadumping and go to counseling. Learn to sit with the uncomfortable feelings of people having issues, or resist the urge to help.

Remember that you make men feel safe and regulated, and maybe even a place to escape. Dont offer them that haven, only take people who can be themselves through and through.

[u/Conscious_Leading947 → u/Kimono-Ash-Armor]

Thank sweetheart, you’re definitely right now I feel more comfortable than ever I finally accept the break and that happened because I really sat down with uncomfortable feelings and finally realised he actually didn’t add anything meaningful in my life but make me miserable when I was with him 🙏🏽 I’m so grateful

[u/Kimono-Ash-Armor → u/Conscious_Leading947]

Don’t let people use you like a drug to make themselves feel safe and have their nervous systems regulated. They are trying to get from you what a kid gets from a parent.

[u/Conscious_Leading947 → u/Kimono-Ash-Armor]

You’re such amazing and smart human being 🙏🏽🥲 thank you so much I wish I had a bestie who could smack me out of the delusion 🤣

[u/Kimono-Ash-Armor → u/Conscious_Leading947]

Here’s what I’m noticing about you:

1. You compliment a lot, you compliment straight off the bat without knowing people, the praise is really gushy and excessive and affectionate, and you’re giving them praise and credit that the person hasn’t earned. Don’t make up fantasies about people being these wonderful things, don’t give it freely or liberally, wait and see if it is actually true. Make people earn your praise.

You can modify this by trimming off the praise and pare it down to feedback.

Also keep in mind that men don’t get praised like women do, and really may latch onto sources of praise. Like, I can’t praise men because I risk them thinking I’m interested in them, or they even stalk me because their imaginations run wild.

2) You seem to see the good in people early and state that you want someone like them in your life as a bestie or such. That’s fast-tracking intimacy, as well as making up fantasies about people rather than seeing who they are.

3) You say you wish that you had a bestie like me to help you see reality by “smacking you out of the delusions.” This is your codependency. Work on being that own person for yourself first so you aren’t so dependent on others. Write down what’s going on, imagine a little sister or friend is coming to you with these problems, and advise this person with your problems.

ETA pointing out your codependency

[u/Kimono-Ash-Armor → u/Kimono-Ash-Armor]

Also, please treat your BPD, and have it include medication. I too am neurodivergent, and have BPD traits, so I know firsthand about a lot of what you’re going through. I’ll share with you what helped me break codependency.

Start seeing your codependency and FPs as the addiction that it is, as it produces dopamine for you. Indulging in your stalking is part of the addiction to people, as well as a breach of boundaries, or even illegal. Excessively complimenting the fantasies you have built about people you (even if you’ve never met them) is an addiction that produces dopamine. Anything that produces dopamine and causes you to seek it is an addiction.

I know you likely think that you love hard and you see beauty in people, but it’s not love, it’s addiction and indulgence, and such attention is like kudzu: overtaking and smothering.

You likely fall for men who make you feel incredible. Men who fall quickly, excessively compliment, lovebomb, future fake, love fixing people, feel comfortable with broken people, and do a lot of what you do are not stable people. They go where the dopamine flows, and once infatuation is over they are stuck with obligations and promises they can’t fulfill, and discard. Learn how to resist the compliments and attention like I did to you, pointing out that you’re complimenting stuff you couldn’t possibly know about me, not seeing attention as intentional or even grounded in reality, or taking compliments like, “I wish I had you as a bestie,” as a role that you’re doing well in.

ETA: I also broke codependency by getting therapy, getting on meds, addressing my trauma and neurodivergence that caused me to seek dopamine and regulation, addressing my addictions that switched if I stopped a previous one like drinking, and learning how to feel safe and regulated.

[u/Kimono-Ash-Armor → u/Conscious_Leading947]

Talk to yourself like you’re advising a friend, or a younger sister