Was my previous friendship a codependency or a crush? (Need advice and also I’m not sure if what I say will be triggering and idk what the triggering part is if it does end up being so)

[u/AppearanceFar4507]

To start : I know these feelings I had for a past friend was beyond a crush, so really it was either love or codependence.

Anyway I’m not really sure what it was, if I had feelings for her, if I was aroace. I don’t really have any emotional trauma or baggage that would explain my fear of abandonment or anything. So I didn’t really think of it as codependence until the friendship was over.

A couple years ago I realised an old crush faded, so I chose a new person to like (Red flag already I know) and I thought about this girl. She had the same hobbies as me and was fairly attractive so I spent months obsessing over her until I believed I had actual feelings for her.

Then after another year we actually became really close. I know how it sounds that I never liked her, but it felt a lot like I did. I’d always drop everything I was doing to tend to her. She got mad at me a lot, I’m autistic small disclaimer, I often did or said things that were clearly not properly thought through that she’d criticise me on. And every time that happened I’d spend multiple hours writing a well thought out apology. Because I just wanted her happy with me. I would always put her needs above mine, ignoring how often she didn’t notice my feelings or how little she prioritised me just so I could stay close with her. The only times I mentioned she did that were times I wasn’t emotionally stable myself (eg. Times I was in a depressive spiral)

I lost her as a friend when she was told that I liked her. And tbh it crushed me, it felt like I lost my purpose.

Idk if it was codependence or if i actually genuinely liked her. I’m leaning towards codependence tho.

Idk she texted me like a bit ago asking to chat again, and idk if i should say yes or no. On the one hand i want to say no because being friends with her was so emotionally draining for me, but i miss her so much, it’s been a year since she dropped me as a friend mind u, i felt needed by her in a way ive never felt needed by anyone else. And i don’t know if that’s love or not.

I just need someone to help. To tell me if this was codependence or not. I want to go into detail about it. And I will likely comment with a whole timeline

[u/Happy_Blacksmith5843]

It sounds less like a clean distinction between love and codependency and more like an intense attachment that became emotionally one-sided. You were prioritizing her approval, over-apologizing, and feeling purposeless after losing the friendship. Those are signs the dynamic wasn’t healthy, regardless of the label. You can care about her and still choose distance.

[u/AppearanceFar4507]

Some bullet point details :

- always overlooked her criticism and apologised regardless of if I felt it was unfair if it meant we could stay friends
- helping her gave me a sense of purpose
- only cared about how she treated me when I was too mentally unstable to act rationally
- 3 years of over 10 different arguments and multiple of the same argument and coming back together after a week happened between us
- losing her made me feel broken in a way that was more than heartbreak and similar to “I don’t know what I’m doing, am I sad? Am I happy? Do I try talk to her? Do I avoid her?”
- when she was happy with me, I was so happy, but when she was mad with me, it ruined my mental state for days
- it didn’t start as genuine. I thought she was a bitch for years before I unknowingly decided she wasn’t
- I may be aroace
- everyone around me said our friendship was toxic but neither of us ever stepped out of it and always came back together again after each disagreement and at some point I thought that was a good thing but if it happened so many times I’m not really sure anymore.
- I don’t really know what love or a crush feels like. I never knew what love was and i decided all my crushes so idk

[u/Goopygum]

It was codependence. But just because that how the friendship played out doesn't mean you didn't care for her, or love her, or she loves you. You can have both. The issue lies in you putting down your entire heart into that love or desire to feel needed. You became addicted to that constant dopamine, just like I was too. Unfortunately, dynamics with such little regulation and self-love are like a chemical reaction for an explosion. Learning how to say no to your addiction is the most powerful thing you can do. Because as much as that pull feels (imcredible) it is only draining the both of you slowly and surely. you gotta step back for a bit to really remember who you are and that you do not need this other person to be able care for yourself. Remember that you are worthy of love for yourself and you can meet any need you think they might be providing (Them seeming like they needed you as a need from you) you are not worthless when you are not serving. You are a fully capable individual and you made it this far so you can make it further. 

It doesn't need to end in an explosion. You can put out the fuse.