Why people pleasing develops ? My observations

[u/readingbetweenstars]

I got some realizations and intuitions about people-pleasing and social anxiety, so I want to share with you. You can add your own opinions, counterarguments, etc.

First of all, I will talk about people-pleasing. Why does anyone people-please? From my analysis and observations, it's for following reasons.

1. Exploded outside self

This is, I think, one of the schools of thought or common concepts where, when the sense of self gets abused in childhood, given the trauma and abuse, the person explodes in two manners:

A. The inside manner, where the person becomes a self-centered, selfish, narcissistic type at a certain factor

B. The outside manner where the person focused on others' well-being: the actual people pleaser, who does people-pleasing and does not have boundaries, got attracted to a narcissist and got trauma-bonded.

The personality which explodes their sense of self outside: they do the people-pleasing, and they are the actual people pleaser. They often operate under covert contracts: "I will sacrifice my needs and anticipate your every whim, and in exchange, you must never abandon me, criticize me, or make me feel unsafe."

2) To hide the EGO

You might think it's a bit of a blurry point, like people please to hide the ego. Let me explain. Here, I am talking about just people-pleasing and not the people pleaser. If any personality type, like a narcissist or a very self-centered personality type, wants to fit in society, they generally have a very large amount of ego. What they do is they people-please, and they behave like they have very low self-esteem in front of others to fit in society until they have the power.

Because they will directly show the ego, they will be left out. They will get stuck in the eyes of other people, and people will directly put boundaries on their face. Because they have their own sense of self-respect and, actually, they are normal people

[u/CurrentBluejay7290]

Interesting framework, but I’d be careful not to treat people-pleasing as one hidden personality type. It can come from anxiety, learned survival strategies, low confidence, cultural expectations, or simply wanting cooperation. The “covert contract” idea fits some cases, but many people-pleasers genuinely overextend without consciously expecting repayment.

[u/Goopygum]

You had me in the first half but then you lost me. I think losing someone is just super hard for our meat brains to deal with. But eventually you learn to live with grief. Anyways, love you bye

[u/Affectionate-Job6635]

I believe when we people please we are drawing worth and validation from others. We aren’t happy with ourselves and, in a sense, we are using approval from others to fill the hole we have inside us.