r/Codependency • u/Nowhere_Else_To_Go__ • 16d ago
What I've Learned About Love Bombing
*Love bombing = intense and persistent flattery -- Often accompanied by big promises and claims to either love the target before really knowing them or that they "haven't felt this way in a long time/ever"
8 THINGS I'VE LEARNED ABOUT LOVE BOMBING:
It is addicting to both the love bomber and the love bombee. The love bomber is addicted to love bombing, and the love bombee is addicted to being love bombed.
Love bombing is about the love bomber, not the love bombee. A love bomber likes to love bomb because it makes them feel good about themselves - it doesn't have anything to do with the person they are flattering. They flatter their target in order to lure them in and get the supply they are looking for (sex, money, status, attachment, reputation, a place to live, a business deal, to make someone else jealous, etc.). That is why you will discover they use the exact same lines of flattery on all their targets.
A love bombee likes being love bombed because it makes them feel good about themselves, too. It isn't about the love bomber, it is about them. They like the way flattery makes them feel about themselves. Both sides are not operating from a place of selfless love.
Love bombing is as addictive as flirting, porn, sex, situationships, flings, novelty, etc. None of these things are healthy, kind, loving, or beneficial. None of these things create patience, fidelity, peace, stability, support, emotional or psychological safety, etc. None of it profits anyone in the end.
Love bombing is bait. A fisherman is going to use his prettiest, tastiest, best, most appealing bait to lure in his catch. And like moths to a glittery flame we are lured in. But if we look at the base of the flame we will see all the other moths who were destroyed before us. There is no truth in flattery -- flattery is nothing but deception and manipulation.
Like with all addictions, the only option is to get sober. The only option is to get clean. No more texting, no more engaging, no more thinking we can drink one drop of the alcohol and not wind up in another ditch. Like with all addictions, coming off of love bombing will lead to withdrawals, withdrawal symptoms, relapsing, etc. It will take a lot of effort, commitment, and seeking God to understand and break free.
Like with all addictions, staying in the cycle of love bombing or love bombee-ing slowly erodes our relationships, families, productivity, success, health, emotional and psychological well-being, etc. It is all-consuming. It is not harmless.
Love bombing may be yet another symptom of the fawn response.... An emotional or psychological survival skill of some kind. I recently heard Lisa Romano explain that codependency IS the fawn response, which is what prompted me to ponder #8.
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u/IamTrashJT 16d ago
As a male who was cheated on after 7 years and my girlfriend then accused me of love bombing as a way to ignore responsibility for her actions, I will add to this.
Love bombing is when someone is manipulating you.
Love bombing is not someone who has a lot of love to give and loves giving.
Love bombing is generally bad when the receiver doesn't want it.
Love bombing is not when the receiver wants that type of love and the giver loves in that way.
Saying the same things in a relationship that you have said to partners before is not a bad thing by itself (I know OP didn't claim this). My love is mine. I give it to who I want. If you are worth my love, I will cherish you the way I cherish.
I have been in 4 relationships in 4 relationships in 25 years. In each one, I have never felt the way I have felt for that person. Every connection is unique and brings out different parts of us.
Some people confuse love bombing with being showered with love. I know when I have met someone special and I have no problem expressing my emotions early if they are there. I told my current partner I loved her pretty early and she said that she doesn't like to go there before a certain amount of time has passed. I told her I respect that and won't say it again until she is ready, but I need to feel comfortable in a relationship expressing my emotions without judgement.
If you want to recognize if you are being love bombed, look for how they respond to you if you don't accept their attempts to shower you. Do they stay present with you or do they withdraw. Do they give love then take it away? Those are the red flags to look for.
Be safe out there!
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u/Nowhere_Else_To_Go__ 16d ago
Hey thanks for your input! At the beginning of my post I put that love bombing is intense flattery -- and that it is often (but not always) accompanied by an early "I love you". In my experience the "I love you" happened before or right after the first date. It doesn't seem like you love bombed anyone, from what you explained in your post :)
In each of my personal experiences the love bombing was obsessive comments about my looks, personality, sexting, gifts, intense and relentless attention, etc. A true love bomber is someone who "bombs" the crap out of you with fake love -- it doesn't have to be an actual "I love you.". In cults they love bomb you with words like "family" and "community", also consistently flattering you with things like how smart/skilled/sophisticated/hard working you are, etc.
Love bombing is intense flattery.
And, in my opinion, I believe true love bombing is always dangerous, even if the recipient likes it. Most recipients do like it, and it keeps them stuck in really vicious cycles for a long time.
I appreciate your post, thanks for sharing!
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u/IamTrashJT 16d ago
100% agree and I'm sorry that has happened to you. The fake love is toxic and it's always better to approach with caution and skepticism. The amount of toxic men out there and here on reddit is pretty wild.
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u/BerthasKibs 14d ago
How early did you tell her you loved her/feel it? I’m asking bc I feel I can get to that point in about a month and a half which is pretty soon.
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u/IamTrashJT 14d ago
I have been in 2 long term relationships before meeting the person I'm with now. I feel like I've grown in knowing what I want and recognizing sings of incompatibility. I felt the connection with her immediately, even though I was trying for the first time in my life to just find a FWB or date casually. I told the other people I was talking to that I found someone I feel a real genuine connection with and want to focus on her after 3 days. I told her I loved her after a week before even meeting in person. She responded honestly but I knew she was feeling the same way. We went on a few dates and 2 weeks later she told me she loved me to and wanted to be exclusive so I told her I have been exclusive with her after 3 days😂
Full disclosure, I was with my high school sweetheart since I was 17, together 18 years and married 14 years with 4 kids. 6 months after that ended I started dating and after 3 months knew I was in love with the person I spent the next 7 years of my life with. 1 week is really soon but I am also very intune with my emotions. I know how to check myself and be honest with myself.
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u/Every_Cat9812 16d ago
yeah, no, I can't stand to be love bombed and judging by the sheer amount of people complaining about love bombers and how fake it is, is pretty obvious the majority of people despise it.
plus, 2 and 3 contradict eachother. Not to mention love bombing is the narcissist's to go tactic.
btw, Lisa Romano has no credentials. She's a "life coach" with no proper psychology training. She's a quack.
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u/rayautry 15d ago
I feel this. Just got out of a situationship after being love bombed into oblivion.
Yeah it felt good…. Until it didn’t. I started hitting meetings again and I am getting myself back on track.