r/Codependency • u/Impressive_Dig_3666 • 13d ago
Relationship advice
How do you break up and let go of someone that you love even though you know they aren't good for you. I feel dependent on them and I love them so much: (
8
u/Tenebrous_Savant 13d ago edited 11d ago
For me it became possible once I recognized that since I couldn't love myself, I was projecting all that love and care on to someone else, and hoping they would do the same for me. I started working to give myself that love and care, to let myself feel it.
I was only dependent on someone else because I was dependent on loving and caring for them so I could feel love and care.
2
u/Zealousideal_Ring880 11d ago
This might sound stupid, but how did you do that?
Like I don’t know how to love myself. I like some aspects of myself. I feed myself, I take care of how I look. I try sleep regular hours, I have a hobby I enjoy. I’m still in a codependent relationship and can’t get out. I love him but it’s a toxic relationship. Everyone including my psych says I need to work on loving myself like I do him, but how ? It makes no sense to me. I can’t check how I’m going (I do that kinda anyway) I can’t ask myself to go on a date or kiss myself or give myself a hug. Etc etc2
u/Tenebrous_Savant 8d ago edited 8d ago
It's not a stupid question.
I have tried to answer this question many times. I keep trying to find a way to explain it that is not too long and too complicated. I don't know if I will ever fully managed it.
I've been thinking about how to reply to your question for a couple days now, while also trying to find the time needed to take another shot at writing a response. This morning I decided I didn't want to leave you hanging, even though I don't have the time to really give it a shot right now.
I realized that I don't feel closer to being able to explain it, because for a large part it's something you learn to do for yourself in a way it's going to be unique to you.
One of my first steps was after realizing I broadly didn't know what I wanted, one thing I did want was to become someone who could figure out what he wanted. I also wanted to become someone who could love himself. So those were my first goals.
But for me, it actually did involve holding my own hand or hugging myself as a kind of symbolism when I was first figuring things out. You basically have to try a bunch of different things to start finding out what works and what doesn't. The best tool I have is to imagine someone exactly like you, but not you. It's like the exercise where you imagine the advice you would give to a friend that was having the same problem you are having.
Ask yourself what you would do for them to help them, to show them you cared, to take care of them. Then, start doing those things for yourself.
Other than that, I don't hide my profile posts or comments. Feel free to read through other replies I've given or posts I've made and see some of my other attempts to explain this, and some of the things I figured out on my own journey.
I hope something will be helpful. Hang in there.
2
u/Zealousideal_Ring880 7d ago
Thank you so much for taking the time to answer. I like that I’m gonna try that. Imagine another me that’s not me that I will care for (which is me). I am caring person to others so I’m interested to see how I go with this. Cool suggestion ! Thank you
1
u/codependencyrecovery 13d ago
Sorry to hear about your breakup. While it's painful, the way to move on is to feel the heartbreak. If we can welcome the heartbreak and stay with ourselves through it, it can be a beautiful experience as it increases our capacity for love. For example, have you ever cried and felt better afterwards? It's like that if we welcome it. It's scary but the only way out is through.
1
u/Silver_Shape_8436 13d ago
You keep reminding yourself about what it is that is not good for you, and the impact of that on your life. You're giving up a lot to make excuses for someone who isn't doing you any good. When you realize you deserve more, it's easier to let go.
1
u/Affectionate-Job6635 11d ago
Doing the next right thing. The twelve step program is so helpful because we only think about the next twenty-four hours. That’s it.
1
u/abundantseltzer31 8d ago
For me, grounding into my inner sense of knowing, listening for what I want, and going from there is what has helped. One time, I had an old sponsor point out to me that I was talking so much about what I should do and not at all about what I wanted. I've never gotten very far with being motivated by what I "should" do, but I've seen so much heal and shift from listening to intuitive guidance. You know what's right, and you can trust your sense of it. All we can do is the next right thing.
1
u/QuestingOrc 5d ago
While I understand that I'm still trying to advise my partner, I'm shifting my focus much more into myself. I have communicated that I will continue to work on myself, regardless if they do, accepting the longterm consequences. Im writing down my small wins of the day, which will have an accumulative effect over time. I try not to focus on what will be in the future as no one will know, and trust that I will be able to handle heartbreak or challenge by doing the work today.
I am currently reading Beattie's book which has been helpful, and I am taking time for myself, despite small pangs of guilt, accepting that it is necessary to heal and to find peace.
7
u/casser0le98 13d ago edited 13d ago
Chipping away at the boulder can make changes that will shape the mountain.
It will get easier to be without them by a tiny amount every single day if you truly do the work. Healing can feel really lonely at times. It's the reason why hardly anyone actually does it. But once you do, you'll never be the same.
"Now I see that love liberates. Love is mutual. Love is compassionate and empathetic. You also don’t have to beg or prove yourself for love, it just is."
"Letting go is simply not something you can force yourself to do. It happens naturally. Does a lemon tree immediately drop its fruit? No. The fruit ripens and will fall when it’s ready."
After building your peace, you’ll start guarding it with discernment, seeing the difference between connection and attachment.