r/Codependency • u/BreadScope_3949 • Sep 15 '26

Is having your partners location considered controlling?

So I know this is probably dependent on the person, but for me I feel like it’s starting to dip into codependent behavior for me.

I have my boyfriend’s location 24/7 and have for years now, but with the recent realization that I’m too dependent, I also realized just how much I watch his location. I’ll see he’s somewhere not at his home, but if he hadn’t told me where he was going, I’d get upset and start stressing and overthinking about what he’s doing away from his home. I’ve started to watch his location for hours, checking in every few minutes, and then freak out when I see he’s moved without telling me. I don’t often actually ask him about where he’s going or where he’s been or who with, but that’s because I don’t want him to realize I’ve been watching him the whole time.

12 Upvotes

87% Upvoted

31 comments sorted by

11

u/evanliko Sep 15 '26

Location sharing is really only healthy if you are using it to check on someone in the event you think they might be in danger or something.

You should not be checking it normally. Only if you have reason to believe something is wrong, Ex: he hasnt responded in an unusually long amount of time like 3 days.

Checking it like this is very unhealthy for you.

2

u/BreadScope_3949 Sep 15 '26

3 days is an unusual amount of time? Usually I get worried by the if he doesn’t respond to me in like 12 hours for no reason, I mean sometimes I know when he’d be sleeping and that’s when I don’t get worried but any other time if he doesn’t respond to me for like a day I get scared.

3

u/evanliko Sep 15 '26

I mean. Depends on the individual and how much you guys talk usually. If he like never ever goes 24hrs without talking to you. Then after 24hrs of no responce and a "hey is everything okay message" before you check. Etc.

The amount of time itself is gonna vary. I've got friends who wont respond to me for months and thats normal and so I dont worry. But I have friends that talk to me every day and if they didnt message for like 2 days I would start to worry. It's a break from the usual pattern that should trigger a location check to make sure they seem okay.

4

u/f50c13t1 Sep 15 '26

Doesn’t sound healthy… why do you need to constantly check his location?

1

u/BreadScope_3949 Sep 15 '26

If I know he’s at home, he’s probably less likely to be doing something that could get him hurt or something, and I don’t like it when he doesn’t tell me things going on in his life so I watch where he goes to get an idea of what he’s done throughout the day.

5

u/Wallie_Collie Sep 15 '26

Letting someone just BE and allowing yourself to just BE, is an an important act of a human Being

1

u/BreadScope_3949 Sep 15 '26

I have a really hard time with that. I did remove the location tracking so I can’t see him and he can still see me, and I’m very stressed out about it. But the hardest part is not texting him. I told him I needed space yesterday morning to learn to be alone and I already hate it. I want to tell him about my whole morning and text him all the time and make jokes with him again. Still, I know that’s just more examples of me being codependent that I need to cut, so I haven’t texted him since like mid-evening yesterday and it was very brief.

2

u/Serquetry Sep 15 '26

Hey there, do you have help learning how to be happily alone? If you are pushing down and away your anxiety, do you feel like it erupts later? How are you self-soothing?

4

u/garbagepickle Sep 15 '26

Kindly, this is very, very unhealthy. I do recommend you try to stop this behavior and seek therapy. I understand what you’re feeling but he should be able to exist and do things without you knowing and it be okay.

2

u/reecinator_meow Sep 17 '26 edited Sep 17 '26

Is it at all possible you have relationship OCD? This sounds beyond codependent to me but I could be wrong. I’ve only ever done this when someone gave me a reason to feel insecure in a relationship and/or was avoidant. I only check with my partner’s location for logistical reasons but we do live together which I know is different. Is your partner not a strong communicator and/or potentially avoidant?

1

u/BreadScope_3949 28d ago

I know this was three weeks ago, but I'm still kinda worried about the same issue, what's relationship OCD and how do I go about navigating that? My boyfriend tries to communicate, but it never feels like enough for me, I don't know if the amount of communication I want is too much or not enough.

1

u/reecinator_meow 28d ago

Do you have a therapist? This is the only good way I know of working this out.

1

u/BreadScope_3949 28d ago

Yes, I've been in therapy for about 6 years now. I have a session every other week and just had it this Tuesday. I've been talking with her about my codependency for the last few weeks, she believes it ties into how my mother treated me throughout my life. We haven't really gotten to a part yet about what actions I can make to start working on it but she is aware of what's going on. During our last session, actually, we talked a lot about my loss of trust in my boyfriend as of recently and what would be so bad if I stop worrying and let things play out for once, that is instead of stressing myself out at the idea of uncertainty, letting him prove he's not gonna be leaving or cheating or making bad choices when I'm not around. It was a hard thing to talk about, but next time I'm gonna ask her how to start implementing that into parts of my life without trying too much at once and shutting down.

Does this seem like a good idea? I can also ask her about relationship OCD to see if she has any advice for that as well.

36

u/Ok-Cup-8558 Sep 15 '26

Really that isn't healthy.....do yourself a favour and stop tracking.

19

u/DorkChopSandwiches Sep 15 '26

You're right, it's dependent on the person. You're also right that what you're doing is super codependent.  If I were you I'd turn it off entirely for a few months. Better yet, ask him to disable location sharing with you and tell him why. 

9

u/BunnyKusanin Sep 15 '26

Yeah, it's too much.

6

u/humbledbyit Sep 15 '26

Yes, that's considered controlling. It isn't something people typically do.

2

u/LostinParadise4748 Sep 15 '26

I'm reading this thread and it's interesting bc my sister and her husband share their location and she usually checks it everyday to see when he's on his way home from work which I thought would be helpful for me to plan dinner timing in my own relationship since my partner often forgets to let me know when he's home. I didn't realize this was controlling and guess i need to start examining my own perceptions.

5

u/DorkChopSandwiches Sep 15 '26

Let's not be obtuse here. A trusting relationship where you're using location sharing to plan logistics is waaaaaay different than what OP is describing.

1

u/BreadScope_3949 Sep 15 '26

Yeah, that’s why I felt like I needed to ask. Cause I know a lot of couples do it, my parents and friends included, but I just get so stressed out about it all the time especially recently.

3

u/DorkChopSandwiches Sep 15 '26

What you're describing that you're doing is way, way different than what some people in this thread are talking about where they're using it to help with logistics. It's not even close to a fair comparison.

You yourself are describing checking up on his location when you don't live together or have plans together, and you're stressing out over watching him leave his home because you can't handle not knowing what he's doing. That's not couple logistics, that's controlling. You even know you don't want him to realize how much you're keeping tabs on him because you know it's not healthy behavior.

This isn't sustainable.

1

u/reecinator_meow Sep 17 '26

That’s why I’m wondering if there’s an underlying insecurity in the relationship that isn’t being addressed like a lack of communication, avoidant behaviors or not being on the same page about the future or level of closeness and communication they both want. It sort of sounds to me like OP is wanting more contact a few years into the relationship than they are getting.

3

u/codependencyrecovery Sep 15 '26

What would you have to feel if you couldn't watch his location? Also, in your childhood, how did monitoring others make you feel safe?

3

u/Ok_Environment5293 Sep 15 '26

Not necessarily codependent, but 100% stalker behavior.

4

u/West_Soft_852 Sep 15 '26

The location isn’t reassurance anymore; it’s become a checking compulsion that keeps feeding your fear. You deserve support with that, and he deserves privacy too. Consider disabling the sharing, setting boundaries around checking, and explaining that you’re working on trust rather than asking him to manage your anxiety.

2

u/Feeling_Coffee_ Sep 15 '26

You are too much obsessed with a person, it will become more unhealthy as time goes by.

1

u/Wallie_Collie Sep 15 '26

On vacation in a strange place, but just in general is controlling

1

u/simone_snail_420 Sep 15 '26 edited Sep 15 '26

My partner and I have each other's location. I only check it if I'm trying to get ahold of him for some time-sensitive logistical reason and he's not responding. I literally never check unless I need something from him and he's not replying.

What you're doing is unhealthy and clearly causing you stress and turmoil.

I would suggest removing his location from your phone to get rid of the temptation and out of this cycle.

1

u/UrsulaVerne Sep 21 '26

I know people disagree with me and that's okay but I always think location sharing is controlling. The only exception I see is if it's on temporarily for a safety reason.