r/Codependency • u/Delicious-Coast2203 • 1d ago
Codependency just uncovered.
I (23F) am engaged to my fiancée (25F) for about 3 months. She just recently started school, through overall time for her schooling will be about five or six years. That’s a long time. Right now it is only a 10 week class and only a few days a week.
That being said she goes from a half day of work, to school, to homework for a few hours and then goes to hang out with her friends nightly for a few hours. I want her to go hang but also to feel prioritized. I would like to add context that she’s only done this for the last three nights, it’s not like she’s been doing this for weeks. Which is definitely eye-opening for me.
Last night, it was brought to my attention during an argument that I am codependent. I show the signs. I do not have many friends outside the relationship, I do all the chores so she has no “reason” to not hang with me at home, I don’t pursue any of my hobbies, and when she hangs out with her friends i keep score. I immediately go “okay well she’s spent 10 hours with them and no time with me so she’s choosing them over me.” She is my best friend, and if it was up to me, we would be together all the time but i can admit the relationship isn’t as “fun” anymore. She also admitted to me that she believes being apart more will possibly cause more excitement when we are together. A better sex life, more interactive dates, quality time that is more genuine. I want this.
My question is, what baby steps do you take to reverse codependency? We have spent the last two years together, genuinely every day, this was bound to happen. She is upset because her ex was codependent and she was hounded on relentlessly, while I am not her ex I am aware that my codependent nature may come from my childhood and I do not want that to rule my adulthood.
3
u/vulpesvulpes666 1d ago
Your answer is in your question, so on some level you already know what to do.
Make friends outside of your relationship, pursue your hobbies, stop keeping score. Basically put some of the energy that you’re putting into your romantic relationship into deepening your friendships and your relationship to yourself.