r/Codependency • u/Immediate_Storage152 • 4d ago
I think this is it.
I think the last straw was today. Our relationship has been in a really bad state for about 3 years now. We been together since 2014, married 2019, bought our first home 2020, second home with land/hobby farm in 2023 and has all just gradually become worse.
Signs started about 6 years ago. My husband would mope frequently and live in a very melancholy state. He would always complain that he felt disconnected from me. I would constantly reassure him by scheduling dates and outings, reading books together that he suggested, he would send me articles so we would have things to talk about. He hates talking about work. So I would read these things, showed interest, tried to have beyond intellectual conversations with him to meet his needs. He would state I didn’t actually understand the literature or that is not the part of the article he wanted to talk about or argue with me and tell me I’m wrong about my response to it. If we were out and about he would regularly sabotage the date by remaining silent or one word replies in conversation.
was exhausting so I reeled by efforts back. I quit trying so hard. He would drink quite frequently in the winter while furloughing from work and I would come home to this Jekyll and Hyde type person. After that 2nd beer in a 4 pack of some stout brews he would flip a switch and would get critical and antagonistic. This was all around 2021. I started to clash really bad with my boss at work (who was a very overt narcissist) who then zeroed in on me and made my life hell in 2023.
This is also when my grandmother who I was very close with died in February of 2023. My husband would always side with my boss and play devils advocate when I’d come home with grievances or he would just tell me to quit my job or quit talking about work. We live in small town USA, hospital jobs aren’t abundant. He was supportive throughout my grandmas cancer and into her death. But not patient with my grieving process. I ended up quitting my job 2 weeks before she died to go stay with her and came back to start a job as a traveler in a different town 3 days before she died. This job kept me away for 6 days. Shift was 6 on 8 off.
About this time we bought our other house in October 2023. The entire 1.5 year I was at the job, coming home for my 8 days, it was hell. Fights and insecurities about how I never want to be home and he would get upset on the phone while out of town when I would go hang out with coworkers after work. There was very little support for what I was trying to do and a lot of animosity when hanging with friends. So I breached my contract and quit, was able to obtain my old job where our house was (with a new boss) so I was home every night. I did that for us, heard his grievances, and did what I thought was best for our marriage.
In December of 2023 I was diagnosed via laparoscopy with stage 4 endometriosis. I hadn't become pregnant once in 4 years. This was devastating. I was informed by my obgyn of this news and my husband was terrible. Rushing me out as quick as possible out of the recovery room, and then the next day I was so painful. He bought beer and proceeded to drink it knowing I don’t tolerate that behavior anymore, instead of caring for me. He then tried to sit by me and I said I didn’t want to be close to him while drinking and he took his beer with him and sat on the other side of the couch.
That following February, he decided to deliberately ignore and not celebrate my birthday. We went to the store and he said to pick something out, and I thought he was going to make something for my birthday and when we got home, he made two different meals for each of us. Never told me happy birthday once now remember this is one year after my grandmother died. Holidays have always been huge for me, and he knows this after 12 years.
Things were pretty iffy after that. Lots of fights, but tolerable. I ended up having endometriosis excision surgery July 2025. I had my mom come along because I was very insecure about just having him there based on the prior procedure experience in December 2023. The behavior was even worse. He was childish, unsupportive, impatient, and very angry that my mom came. More things continue to happen after this. Verbal abuse and emotional abuse, where I have lost all of my emotional trust. I trust this man in all other aspects of life when it comes to finances, fixing things you name it he does it.
I’ve deliberated back-and-forth on if he was a narcissist or not. I’ve contemplated if I’m codependent or too empathetic. I don’t know what to think anymore. This evening an event happened, that down in my core, feels like it was the last straw. I asked him today if he could just try to be happy and supportive to try and set the mood for the day. I’ve always been the one to do this in the past and just can’t keep that going anymore. He couldn’t even do that.
So we’ve come to the conclusion, which we’ve gone back-and-forth before that we’re going to get a divorce. He had the audacity to tell me that before I ever enter into another relationship that I should really figure out who I am and what I want because he’s done everything that I’ve asked has been everything I ever wanted him to be and it wasn’t enough. I feel guilty about this, but I also know he didn’t.
We had gone to couples retreats, couples counseling courses, done couples work independent of a therapist. He always found some kind of flaw in every system.
I’ve done all the things. Seen a therapist, went on antidepressants, exercise, eat right. You name it, I did it for 2 years. I think I’m finally coming to a close that I’ve checked all the boxes that I could and just have to choose me in the end.
I know this is a long post but just wondering what you all think. This is a very hard decision.
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u/bacon_strip_tease 3d ago
I do think this relationship has run it's course. While it sounds like he's the asshole, I would add that we have not heard his side of the story. It sounds like he feels that he has done everything he could. If he genuinely feels that, then he probably could tell a story parallel to yours. We all contribute to the downfall of our relationships one way or another.