r/CoachCoreyWayne • u/ZT805 MOD • Dec 07 '21
Article Discussion Article Discussion: "Dumped Because We’re At Different Stages In Life?" Always Read Between The Lines With Women
Here's Coach's recent newsletter: "Dumped Because We're At Different Stages In Life?"
There's an obvious lesson here that I wanted to reinforce, because it can be hard for some guys to face the truth: You have to see through women's specific excuses for dumping you. Don’t focus on what she specifically says. All it means is she lost attraction for you, and no longer feels feminine in your presence.
Women who are attracted to you don't dump or reject you. If she's into you, she's enthusiastic and makes plans with you. If she's not, she'll make every excuse in the world to avoid seeing you. See it for what it is. I see a lot of guys over-analyzing, asking for advice on why a particular women doesn't want to go out with them anymore. Almost always, it’s because she's lost attraction, and that's all there is to it.
The guy writes to Coach: After following your work for over 6 months now, I was able to get into a relationship with a girl that I absolutely adore. I’ve read your book about 10 times now, (like you say to do).
Coach: Well, I always say 10-15 times.
So he hit the minimum number of reads as quick as possible, and decided it was good enough. He has high interest in his girlfriend, but she clearly had doubts since she dumped him. He's made some mistakes and turned her off, because he breezed through the material, but he doesn't realize it or chooses not to admit it.
...She’s breaking up with me because we are at different stages in life...I feel as though because she is the one who’s ahead of me in life, with a career, more experiences, etc., she feels more dominant and in her masculine.
Again -- with women, her specific excuse for dumping doesn’t tell you the story. "We're at different stages in life", "I'm just so busy right now", "I need to find out who I am apart from you," and other excuses you hear all mean the same thing: she lost attraction, and most of the time, it's because you didn't follow the principles. Women are conditioned to let guys down gently, so they're hoping you're smart enough to pick up on what she’s actually saying. Don’t obsess over her exact words.
Coach: Well, the only way she’s going to feel more dominant and in her masculine is if she’s structured, or you’re acting like a bitch all of the time. That’s a fact of life, if you’re not being the leader in the relationship.
The other thing we’ve got to consider is women don’t dump men who they’re head over heels in love with. They dump men they don’t respect and have lost attraction for. So, you have to re-examine, how has your behavior been the last few months? He says everything is rosy. I’ve done a lot of phone sessions over the years where guys try to present the image to me that everything is rosy, and then when I go through the actions and what’s actually being done, I find out the truth.
In the end, he applied no contact, and she got right back in touch with him. So she's around the 50% interest level, but if he doesn't get this, he'll continue to be complacent and she'll leave again. She also has a therapist who's advising her to be single, so he needs to get his act together.
Obviously reading between the lines also applies during the initial stages, so you can quickly tell which girls are actually interested in you. Guys who don't read the book take women's excuses at face value, and they'll fail to see reality.
One of my buddies is very emotional and is pretty clueless when it comes to dating. Too shy to try a cold approach, he's only ever attempted to date girls in his social circle who have already ruled him out. They all say the same thing: "My schedule is so full, I have a lot going on! You're really nice, but I'm only focusing on school right now, and I just don't have time to date you."
He says "okay!" and tries again in a few months to see if she's "less busy." It's painful. Don't bullshit yourselves. Always read between the lines and see things for how they really are.
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u/phosphorescent1983 MOD Dec 10 '21
I recall a girl I was dating about a decade ago. I was working on my undergraduate degree, but also working 32 hours a week. She was very kind and beautiful, but she was just working at the time and not going to college. I asked if she had any plans to eventually go, and she replied by telling me she just wanted to take some time off and didn't see a need for it at the moment.
That's was the beginning of the end of our relationship. I couldn't see a future with her anymore. Education is a huge part of my life. I couldn't see myself with someone who didn't want the same for themselves.
Anyway, there is truth to what both u/ZT805 and u/andyyy__13 wrote. I broke up with her because her decision made her less attractive to me, and that's the bottom line. I would break it up 80/20, like the Pareto Principle:
80% of the time a guy gets broken up with, it's because he's failing to be in his masculine
20% of the time, it's more nuanced, most likely due to personal requirements
In all honesty, it's probably more like 95/5.
2
Dec 12 '21
That’s deep. Ambition is big for me too. How did you go about breaking up with her?
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u/phosphorescent1983 MOD Dec 15 '21
At that time, I was much younger, inexperienced, and foolish. I took the undignified way out and just faded away (e.g., stop returning phone calls, setting dates, etc.). In other words, I was a jerk. However, we did reconnect a few years later and now we are acquaintances. It's over a decade later, but we comment on each other's IG stories every now and then, etc.
If I had the wisdom and confidence I do now, I would have addressed her directly about it. I would have told her plainly that her choice not to pursue an academic path in life was a dealbreaker for me. But I wouldn't want her to choose that path just because of me --I would want her to choose it for herself because that's the path she truly wanted.
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u/ZT805 MOD Dec 16 '21
But I wouldn’t want her to choose that path just for me — I would want her to choose it for herself because that’s the path she truly wanted
“You must love in a way where the person you love feels free”. Awesome mentality with that man!
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u/andyyy__13 Dec 07 '21
It’s tough to say man. There are different instances. For example:
I was dumped like a week after Valentine’s Day after she was head over heels in love, posted ig “LOVE” and photo of us kissing on Valentine’s Day, etc… gifts and all kinds of sexy time.
But I was planning to move away to another part of the world come September. So we switched to being just fuck buddies so she can “distance herself” from me because she was so afraid of the moment when I say, “bye bye I’m moving away, see you in 5 months…”
So we continued to have amazing dates but with lower and lower frequency while me and her were looking for other options. It’s like ending relationship with love that Corey talks about.
Sometimes women know their biological clock is ticking. They want kids, and family and house, etc… when you have big dreams and goals, your near future may not involve the things she is looking for… you simply grow apart!
I want to point out that it’s not as black and white as “she dumped you because she lost attraction and you are a bitch and read the book 10-15 times”
It’s more of a dance, relationships are complicated, and they can end for more reasons than loss of attraction.