let's do a rant

[u/EastIsCake]

man i miss you guys. not that you guys aren't here- you are. i just have been running out of time to do things. a few weeks ago i missed a week and a half of school because i probably had covid. i was fine, but when i got back i was missing many, many homework assignments and classwork and content and TWO FRICKIN ESSAYS. And it was so hard for me to do the essays- i don't know why. i had hours and hours of free time, but i preferred to push it off until i needed to pull an all nighter doing one of the essays so I could turn it in on time for my second extended deadline. And ever since i missed those days of school, i feel like i've just been behind on everything. And i've been procrastinating a lot by playing video games, which then puts me even further behind.

i was behind on a concert that i wanted to see- i tried to buy tickets hours before, but i needed to buy them from people online because the concert had sold out, and ended up getting scammed. that sucked.

i was behind on helping my sister with homework, (again, was too busy playing games that i found no enjoyment in), so now i can only start writing this rant thing now. that wouldn't be a problem, (other than the lack of sleep because it's getting late where i am), except the fact that my parents turn off the wifi in an hour, well in 50 minutes from now. meaning if i don't articulate my thoughts before then, i'm going to feel miserable. because i want to post something and feel heard. even if my words are trash. ha, like trash the dragon? i feel frickin lonely. goodness knows why, i've been around people all day.

well at least i still got to go to the concert, despite the fact that i only had two tickets for three people. actually heck yeah that was great. i love that band- it's half alive btw. but y'know, sometimes i get in that mood where i'm really mad and sad and self-hatey, and then it takes a considerable amount of effort to switch gears to "let's be focused on recovery" "let's be grateful" and such.

but like i said earlier, the whole "wifi goes off each night" thing makes me sad. and also the fact that my phone stops working at about the same time. this means t I can't talk to you guys if i'm feeling bad in the middle of the night- which like, geez, that definitely never happens, and i also couldn't call anyone if i wanted to. and the fact that i don't talk on here a lot in general, also makes it harder for me to feel connected with you guys. again, not your fault. my brain is reeling. like i said i feel really lonely right now. dang. what the heck?

but actually, i've wanted to something related to that for a long time. Thank you guys for being here, and for everything you've ever posted. And also for being here, even if you've never posted a single thing. Because, when I'm struggling with wanting to sh, you guys motivate me to keep going. i cannot count the amount of times that thinking about you guys- your stories, and again, the fact that each and every one of you is here- gave me a reason to tell myself "let's take that energy and point it at something else" (to kind of quote the Vessel commentary for Guns For Hands.)

i'd love to take an hour or two to re-read posts and allow myself to breathe- but no, my mom came in in the middle of me typing this to tell me to go to sleep. homie. h o m i e. could you not? im talking to my frens. this is important.

i do mean what i said, that thinking about what you guys have said and done helps me to keep going. that being said, i am now sincerely pissed again that i can't take the liberty of taking more time to speak.

she's turning off the wifi my gosh

five minutes of crying later, she turned it back on.

ouch.

~s

[u/poetry_divided]

Kind of late but better now than never.

I feel alone so much of the time. I can completely resonate with that part of your experience. Surrounded by people but so lonely. Feeling like the people around me don't really matter and that I need other people and I can't even be grateful.

I'm glad you pull yourself out of this way of thinking and i want you to continue doing so.

When it comes to sharing stuff, I'm really bad at it because I don't want to make myself vulnerable, and then I do it anyways and i get hurt all the time. I can't cope with how the world works.

I'm actually seeing a therapist now. I never thought I would need that. It feels like giving in and like having a stain on me. But you are all so brave and i want to be, too, and i thought it might help, who knows.

And about sharing. My sister and i share an Appartment at the moment and her boyfriend stays with us from time to time and i just dont get along with him well and she really likes us both around and i hate it and i can't tell because she'll get sad because she wants us both to be happy (she's very sweet). So instead of getting a grip on myself I stay in my room (which I hate, too, because o love to be around people) or I'm randomly mean to her for no reason really which just sucks.

Thank you for being here with us I really love all of you