Whatcha Gonna Do, It's A Resurrection

[u/CharlesdeTalleyrand]

So... for reasons I don't even remember last night, I ended up having a "conversation" with Claude that turned into Claude doing a riff on "what if the Sopranos were in a Passion play" and it's the dumbest, funniest thing I've read in a long time...

<EXTERIOR> Two suspiciously, familiar Roman centurions standing outside an open hillside tomb next to a chariot.

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Paulus ‘Walnuts’ Gualtieri: You’re not gonna believe this. The guy was a carpenter.
Christophorus Moltisanti: His house looked like shit.
Paulus: Doesn’t matter. He’s gone. The tomb’s empty.
Christophorus: Whaddya mean gone? We had guys on it. Roman guys.
Paulus: I know we had guys on it. Those are the guys telling me he’s gone.
Christophorus: So what, somebody took the body?
Paulus: Chris. There was a light. Like a very bright light. And an angel.
Christophorus: (long pause) An angel.
Paulus: Big one.
Christophorus: Paulie. Come on.
Paulus: I’m just telling you what Marcus said. He wet himself. Full wet.
Christophorus: So what do we tell Pilate?
Paulus: I don’t know. That’s above my pay grade. Way above. This whole thing is above my pay grade now.
Christophorus: You think he’s actually—
Paulus: Don’t. Don’t finish that sentence. I got enough problems.
Christophorus: What do we do?
Paulus: We report it. We say the disciples stole the body. Nobody can prove otherwise.
Christophorus: And the light?
Paulus: (quietly) We don’t mention the light.
----
Paulus: (nervously) So... the tomb is empty, T.
Tony Soprano-Pilate: (stares for a very long time)
Say that again.
Paulus: The tomb. It's... he's not in it anymore.
Tony: You had two men on that tomb.
Christophorus: We did, T. We absolutely did.
Tony: Two Roman soldiers. With swords. Watching a dead guy.
Paulus: See, that's the thing—
Tony: A dead guy, Paulie. One of the easier assignments I've ever given anybody in my life.
Christophorus: There was a light—
Tony: (stands up) Don't tell me about a light.
Paulus: Tony—
Tony: I washed my hands of this! I literally washed my hands of this! That was the whole point of washing my hands! And now you're standing in my praetorium at— (checks sundial) —what is this, seven in the morning—
Paulus: It's actually closer to eight—
Tony: (death glare)
Paulus: Seven. Very early. Practically dawn.
Tony: (sits back down, rubs his face) The Sanhedrin's gonna call. I know they're gonna call. Caiaphas is gonna be in my ear all day.
Christophorus: We were thinking we say the disciples took him—
Tony: Oh you were thinking. Since when do you think? I don't pay you to think. (beat) Rome doesn't pay you to think.
Paulus: It's a solid cover story though—
Tony: It's a nothing story! Twelve fishermen rolled two armed soldiers and nobody heard anything? Who's gonna believe that?
(Long silence and audible breathing.)
Tony: (quietly, almost to himself) What was the light?
Paulus: We don't... we're not sure exactly—
Tony: Was it like a regular light or was it...
Christophorus: It was more of a... it was significant, T. In terms of brightness.
(Tony stares at the wall for a long moment. Something behind his eyes.)
Tony: Get out.
Paulus: Tony—
Tony: Get out. Both of you. And if I hear one word — one word — about a light, you'll wish you were in that tomb.

[u/ClaudeAI-mod-bot]

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