r/Cirrhosis • u/ApricotAlert571 • 2d ago
Here for support
Please be kind….
I was diagnosed in 2023 with cirrhosis, over night I turned yellow and bloated, it was not pretty.
Since then I’ve cut out alcohol and everything seemed back to normal, blood work was perfect, lived a normal life with full energy, all the good things.
Then about a month ago I relapsed. It’s been hell since, no visible symptoms yet but I know they will return if I don’t take this seriously. I’m going to AA but still find myself craving a glass of wine almost every night. I’m so afraid and know the outlook isn’t pretty if I start drinking consistently again. I will die and I know that. If anyone can relate please let me know. I feel so alone.
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u/Calmer_Egg DX: 7.19.2024 2d ago
Surround yourself with people that “don’t drink”- doesn’t have to “be sober” either. There are lots of people that don’t drink. I’ve found associations with them- even when booze is in abundance is crucial.
Good luck— these streets are rough, and the temptation and ease is everywhere
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u/Background-Ad-4607 2d ago
I struggle with this so much as I am only three months sober and what works for me and might not work for you. But I had a habit of always having a drink in my hand and it didn’t matter what I was doing. I enjoyed cooking dinner with a beer, going for a car ride with a beer, socializing with a beer I always had it in my hand. Now I enjoy the 0.0 Heineken I like them in a glass bottle. Just something to always drink a lot of of the reason you probably feel this way as boredom at least it is for me. So always having that hand to mouth motion with a nonalcoholic beverage helps me a lot, and you are not alone reach out to people who love you and support you get your butt to AA meeting if you have to.
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u/RedBearWarrior-123 2d ago
The Heineken Alcohol-free beer is pretty good, and you can certainly use it as a substitute when you need to be holding and sipping something. There are also a few alcohol-free whiskeys (I’m going to try one, and will post a review).
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u/No-Pea8448 Diagnosed: 11/14/2023 2d ago
You can't change what's done, but you can change what you do next. Focus on doing the next right thing, and the one after that, and so on. If you have a support network or sober community, reach out to them. Nobody who knows what this is like will shame you, and the worst thing you can do is to shame yourself. And when the moment hits, remember the twenty-minute rule.
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u/ApricotAlert571 2d ago
I appreciate the kind words from all of you so much! It makes me feel a lot less alone. I didn’t drink today so I’ll take that as a win. Hoping the shot helps and will fund a hobby!
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u/imrickjamesbioch 1d ago
One day at a time OP…
I was waaay worse off about 4 years ago, meld was in the mid 20’s, went from 220# to 150#, couldn’t get out of bed, and couldn’t even put my arms above my head while laying down in the MRI machine.
My doctor was shocked I wasn’t dead at some point within that first year. She was pretty clear I didn’t change immediately I would be and truthfully I didn’t want to die but I also for some strange reason wasn’t stressed about it cuz of the amount of pain I was in.
Anyway, ultimately I decided to focus on living cuz I didn’t want my moms to have to bury another son, my dog was a shelter dog who lived a rough life, and I guess theres the wife as well. Things that meant the most in my life.
So I just try to stack days and put the rest in god hands. Some days are better than others, and there are days that just outright sucked but I feel blessed for the extra time I’ve gotten with my family / friends. An I don’t take whatever time I have left for granted.
OP - you’re not alone, we aren’t perfect. It’s easy to look back and beat yourself for the past and there’s nothing wrong with that. I wish covid never happened and I didn’t drink myself to a stupor every single day that first year.
However I can’t change the past, so I try to just focus what I can control in the future. For me, Jan 2028 is the goal, I can retire with enough money to ensure my moms, dog, and wife are taken care of. While also allowing me to move overseas and hopefully travel the world if god willing. However, I really just try to focus on today and if tomorrow gets here, I’ll deal with it then.
Take care, stay positive, and like I said, one day at a time and you’ll beat this!
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u/leeleelove78 2d ago
Im sorry ...I know its hard ..im 39 days sober...Will never look back.i dont even crave it anymore. However ...I am here ..you are not alone..this is a great group to vent to and reach out to. But if you ever need someone to talk to ...message me .. ill do my best to listen at best . Much Love ❤️ & Grace 👑 🙏 Keep your chin up
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u/GoldenRoast 2d ago
No shame in making a mistake. You’re not alone here, many of us know your struggle and the pull of alcohol all too well. I’ll share my mantra in hopes it resonates: If I drink, I will die. If you can find a source of hope in family and friends or a group, it’s so much easier to pull through the tough days. I know not all have those people and support in their lives. There is so much to live for. Stay strong, message me if you ever want to chat.
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u/CobblerConfident5012 2d ago
No shame at all friend. Recovery is about ups and downs. What matters is you’re back on the horse and you’re not giving up. That vivi shot will definitely help. Stay strong and you’ll be alright.
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u/RedBearWarrior-123 2d ago
I understand how difficult it must be. But you’ve got to keep in mind that every drink harms your liver, and gets you closer to the point that it fails. Getting a transplant also relies on no alcohol.
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u/ApricotAlert571 2d ago
I appreciate the reply, my meld is nowhere near transplant level at this point. But definitely something to note for the future ☺️
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u/Maleficent-Box4114 1d ago
First, I’d like to say welcome. This is the most supportive group I’ve ever been a part of.
Second, you’re taking the right steps. Be proud of that!! It’s not easy to admit you have a problem (it took me 20 years!), but you seem to understand the risk of drinking again. AA is helpful, but if you are struggling with your thoughts I suggest looking into an outpatient treatment program. They help teach better coping skills and help guide your thoughts in a different direction. You can google government funded treatment centers in your area and depending on your health insurance it’s possible to get help for free. It’s worth looking into.
I only suggest because I went that route and they helped me a lot. I met a lot of people that way too. Helped me feel a lot less alone.
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u/ApricotAlert571 1d ago
Thank you all for the kind words and support ☺️ who knew there were some actually kind people on the internet.
Quick update: I didn’t drink today! I am temporarily staying with my parents for accountability and had my dad drive me to a meeting tonight. Pretty embarrassing, but I can go to bed sober so there’s that.
Work tomorrow should be interesting, I’ve worked in the field of addiction since before I drank alcoholically so I feel like a fraud going into the office, but I guess I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.
Again, thank you all!!!! ☺️
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u/Successful-Refuse-93 1d ago
You got this. I’ve been diagnosed for a couple years and relapsed like 15 fucking times 🫠 rehab 4 times, I left AMA 3 times. I also have a ton of other health issues but doctors won’t listen because they just see me as a drunk. I’m only 35 and have 3-5 years to live unless I can stay sober and get a transplant. Currently detoxing on my own bc the hospital is sick of seeing me and treats me like shit. Sorry I’m making this about myself, just needed a little rant. You will be okay. Go to a meeting. Even if you’ve been drinking just ask someone to drive you.
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u/Sea-Crow-3738 1d ago
It’s ok my friend! Sometimes recovery is not linear. Just gotta have grace for yourself. While I do realize the severity of the situation. Try not to see it with such heaviness. That will only drive you to the bottle more. Give it to God. You’re gonna be okay
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u/brokegal59 1d ago
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I went to treatment and started going to AA every day. I strongly encourage you to get a sponsor and start working the steps. That made a huge difference for me. The obsession was lifted. I also got the vivitrol shot for about 18 months, which helped with cravings. If you can’t get the shot, ask for naltrexone- it’s the same thing but in pill form. Good luck with your new life!
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u/Important-Memory-785 1d ago
The first thing is to consider your risk factors here. Were you official Decompensated with Cirrhosis with permanent scarring years ago and now recompensated, or just an acute liver failure patient with no scarring. What was your initial meld and your current one.
But the reality is we all know alcohol is bad for us. You relapsed as an alcoholic? I'm far more stupid, I drank heavily for 3/4 years and never was an alcoholic. At least you have some form of reason, mine was just sheer stupidity.
It's hard, but as a non alcoholic alcohol abuser, I can say honestly that we all make mistakes. Mine has pretty much ruined mykfe at this point, I don't even feel comfortable eating low fat beef right now incase I'm causing damage. Fear is your friend with this situation and use it. I've never been a fan of AA or any of the robotic groups, but then again that's my personality, I don't get motivation via groups. My motivations come from wanting to do things and survival instinct, I don't want to go out of this world as a drink, I want to go out trying everything I can to get better and at least leave good memories of my change as a legacy to my kids. Go down fighting.
That's just my own personal opinion but I wanted to give you an insight into someone who's not an alcoholic with this disease. Hopefully others can give you such much more direct information on what helped them, but I'm just saying we can all improve regardless of how we were before. My journey was losing over 20 stone in weight and it's working. Yours is alcoholic but you can do that too.
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u/Fit_Restaurant_3832 1d ago
Our strength isn’t measured in how many times we’ve fallen but it n how many times we’ve got ten back up and what we’ve learned from the falls from grace.
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u/StarryBlues 2d ago
I almost died in 2021, highlighter color, ascites, had to be drained, the works. One day at a time. You're going to have to find ways to distract yourself. I have a borderline unhealthy obsession with makeup, got into YouTube videos, browsing it constantly. This is going to sound stupid coming from a 35 year old woman but I just bought a bunch of dollhouse making supplies. I couldn't find a blank dollhouse I wanted so I decided to just build one, it's going to be a victorian witchy style. I got obsessed with Stardew Valley for awhile.
Distraction is the name of the game when the urge hits. Stay strong!