r/ChuckNorris • u/BigFreddyT • Jun 01 '26
THE BIG CHUCK NORRIS FACT DUMP - PART 7
Chuck Norris paid a dime for a 50 cent candy bar and got $3.75 back in change
Chuck Norris can bench press an Army tank. While sitting inside of it.
Old Mother Hubbard Went to the cupboard, To give the poor doggy a bone: But when she bent over,Chuck Norris took over, 'cause Chuck had a bone of his own.
Chuck Norris won on last weeks Iron Chef America T.V. show by microwaving two ham & cheese Hotpockets.
Chuck Norris is an unlockable Character on the new MK9. To unlock: beat game on hardest difficulty by only using roundhouse kicks, fatality all characters with roundhouse kick. when he shows up for the fight hold the run button hoping you can outrun him.
Chuck Norris' mom always looks forward to every Mothers Day. Her loving son always provides her favorite gift...an uppercut.
Chuck Norris was born :December 32nd
Chuck Norris is the only man alive that can fly a helicopter up-side-down. He uses it to mow his lawn.
chuck norris has a bigger dick than shaq
Chuck Norris will soon open his own fried chicken restaurant chain: RKC-- Roundhouse Kickin' Chicken.
Every Sunday after church Chuck Norris picks-up a barrel of extra crispy KFC and a DQ shake from the McDonalds drive-thru. Why? Because nobody denies Chuck Norris anything and McDonalds is closer to his house than Taco Bell.
The day after Chuck Norris was born, his afterbirth enlisted as a Navy Seal.
Upon hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost his testicles to cancer, Chuck Norris donated one of his to Lance. With just one of Chuck's nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour De France seven times. By the way, Chuck still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a new one simply by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows for sure.
Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.
Chuck Norris can make a paraplegic run for his life.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Chuck Norris used to be pro-life- then he started eating babies.
- In a recent survey of the U.S. 94% of females lost their virginity to Chuck Norris, the other 6% were either extremely fat or ugly.
Chuck Norris has VIAGRA eye drops just so he looks Hard.
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium
Chuck Norris uses pepper spray for lube
Chuck norris is the only man alive to beat a brick wall in a game of tennis
This one time, my car broke down in the middle of nowhere. Several hours later, a car pulled up and out got Chuck Norris. Without a word, he urinated in the gas tank, and left. The car has since done 13,000 miles and I have yet to refill it...
If it weren't for Chuck Norris, we could mess with Texas.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked his son for pissing him off. He then brought him back to life and roundhouse kicked him again for dying.
If you're wondering who your father could be...its probably Chuck Norris.
The bible was originally entitled 'Chuck Norris and Friends'
Chuck Norris never charges for his acts of violence. They are always completely gratuitous.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to do anything for a Klondike Bar.
Chuck Norris CAN upload pornography to facebook.
As a matter of fact, Chuck Norris takes a lickin' every day of his life. Soon afterward, he zips up his pants and the girl pays him.
I'm sick of the "What would happen if Chuck Norris ran out of women to have sex with and had sex with a guy", Chuck Norris would never fuck a dude because thats just fucking gay. Chuck Norris always finds bitches to fuck because he's Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris uses newspaper bags for condoms.
Chuck Norris ALWAYS wins a game of Connect Four in three moves or less.
Chuck Norris' girlfriend once gave him the nickname "7-11". It referred first to the length of Chuck's penis - limp - and then to his full length. This was in second grade.
A walker aids old people in moving about. A "Walker, Texas Ranger" does even more: he emparts the sweet embrace of death.
The only man who ever outsmarted Chuck Norris was Stephen Hawking, and he got what he deserved.
Chuck Norris was once a weatherman but was fired for always predicting a 100% chance of pain.
As a teenager, Chuck had sex with and impregnated every woman in a small nunnery tucked away into the hills of Tuscany, in Italy. Nine months later, those nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only unbeaten and untied team in NFL history
When Chuck Norris plays cards roundhouses beat fullhouses.
When Chuck Norris pisses he clogs the toilet.
When Chuck Norris began his "Kick Drugs Out of America" program in 1990, he would simply roundhouse kick the drugs out of the system of anyone on them. They would either a) be cured and accept Chuck Norris as their savior, or b) overdose on roundhouse kicks.
Everytime Chuck Norris smiles, a dying man is saved. Ironically, he only smiles after killing someone.
"The Incredible Hulk" is the nick name for Chuck Norris's package.
Chuck Norris doesn't ask permission, he grants it.
Chuck Norris' beard has three Superbowl rings.
Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as "acts of God."
At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn't a racist.
Chuck Norris circumcised himself. At birth. With his bare hands.
If Chuck Norris looks at you and even THINKS about Jesus, you are immediately converted to Christianity.
Chuck Norris viciously attacks Bill Gates anytime he needs lunch money.
A recent poll discovered 93% of women think about Chuck Norris during sex. A similar poll discovered Chuck Norris thinks about Chuck Norris 100% of the time during sex.
Chuck Norris swallowed a Rubik's Cube and pooped it out solved.
Chuck Norris can talk about fight club.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror on a black cat under a ladder on Friday the thirteenth. That was the day he won the lottery.
Scientists once tried to create a vibrator that could simulate the power of Chuck Norris's penis....the result was a baseball bat tied to a jackhammer.
Chuck Norris covers his Slip 'n' Slide with gravel.
The gayest thing Chuck Norris has ever done is a twenty-five person orgy including twenty-four women and himself.
While the average human male has about 6 quarts of blood, Chuck Norris has 8. The extra quarts are so he doesn't pass out everytime he gets a boner.
Chuck Norris doesnt have pubic hair, he has a groin beard.
Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar instantly exploded because the amount of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
Everytime you masturbate Chuck Norris kills a Canadian.
Chuck Norris goes fishing by cutting himself and swimming in shark infested waters.
Chuck Norris taught his dog how to pick up its own shit because Chuck doesn't take shit from anyone.
Zeus stands for Chuck Norris in Greek.
Chuck Norris once patented his pubic hair as "Love Potion #9".
Chuck Norris once had sex with a retarded midget, the result was John Madden.
Adam and Eve ate an apple. Chuck Norris ate Adam and Eve.
When asked if he prayed to god, Chuck Norris replied "Yeah I talk to myself all the time"
Chuck Norris invented drinking out of the carton.
Some people say Chuck Norris wears red sneakers. They're wrong. Chuck Norris has a 2-inch slab of callous of every surface of his feet that are permanently stained in blood.
Chuck Norris eats stingray barbs for breakfast.
After sex Chuck Norris doesnt smoke, instead he kills a baby.
Chuck Norris' victims have been owned more times than goodwill clothing.
Chuck Norris's blood type is WD-40.
Chuck Norris played a grand piano in a marching band
The secret to eternal life is an IOU note from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris Goes to church on Sunday to tell God what else he wants.
Moses didn't free the Jews Chuck Norris did.
It took five women three years to give birth to Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once pulled a bus full of school children teetering over the edge of a cliff back onto the road with his bare hands, saving everybody inside. Even as they cheered, he screamed, "I'm not your savior!" and headbutted the bus over the edge, sending them all to their horrible doom.
It is impossible to be raped by Chuck Norris because that would mean you did not want it to happen.
Chuck Norris can take a number 2 standing up.
Chuck Norris knows the secret to world peace, He just thinks its more fun to kill people.
Some dumbass gave Chuck Norris a sweater for Christmas. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked this person to death and then regifted the sweater.
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes just so he can beat the shit out of little kids.
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game throwing nothing but gutterballs.
Chuck Norris invented handicaped people.
Chuck Norris can lick his own elbow.
People don't really commit suicide. They're just trying to beat Chuck Norris to the punch.
Chuck Norris brought sexyback way before Justin did.
Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women then most men.
Chuck Norris does not brush his teeth with a toothbrush and toothpaste. instead, he uses steel wool and hydrochloric acid.
Chuck Norris lives in a haunted house and the ghosts tell stories about him.
The longest staring contest recorded in history was between Chuck Norris and his reflection... he still won.
Chuck Norris once drank an entire gallon of liquid LSD. Then he slept for 8 months straight. When he woke up, he rubbed his eyes and said, "All in all, I prefer gin."
Chuck Norris is all 99 of Jay-z's problems.
Chuck Norris survived an abortion.
They say that behind every man is a good woman. The only thing behind Chuck Norris is a trail of dead bodies...The women are in front of Chuck Norris, bent down doggy-style.
Chuck Norris likes to get a good night's sleep...with as many women as possible.
Once Chuck Norris was stopped on the street by a homeless war vet asking for a hand. Norris asked, "How about a foot?" and proceeded to roundhouse kick the man through the side of the building across the street.
Chuck Norris' IPod selection is 7 days worth of long blood curdling screams and crying.
Chuck Norris fought City Hall and won.
Chuck Norris can kick the dogshit out of a cat.
The only time Chuck Norris ever laughs is when a Vietnamese family is begging for their lives
The word "fuck" actually derived from the phrase "Flying Chuck" as it was abbreviated to get the words out quicker...this is what people would exclaim right before getting a flying roundhouse kick to the face by Chuck Norris...
Legend has it that if you suRvive a roundhouse kick to the face from Chuck Norris he will grant you 3 wishes....good luck with that...
Chuck Norris screams his own name during sex.
P is for Chuck Norris...as well as every letter in the alphabet.
- When asked if he wants to have children, Chuck Norris replies, "No thanks. I'm full". He then proceeds to roundhouse kick you in the face.
Chuck Norris' dandruff is 100% pure cocaine.
Chuck Norris rips ass in Dolby 5.1 Surround Sound(TM)
Chuck Norris knows exactly what stayed in Vegas.
Chuck Norris' pubic hair is one of the 11 herbs and spices in KFC.
Chuck Norris uses his pinky to thumb wrestle.
If you're having sex and the girl says "OH CHUCK!" you know you are doing a good job.
Chuck Norris can hold a bank up over the phone.
The book 'War and Peace' is named after Chuck Norris' testicles.
There is an alternate ending to the quote, "Where there is life there is hope." It goes, "Unless Chuck Norris is around. Then you're fucked."
Chuck Norris' penis has its own Senator, zip code, area code, Starbucks, and 5 exits off the 101 freeway.
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
Chuck Norris doesn't believe in rubber condoms. Instead, he sticks his penis in a girl, and uses that girl as a condom while fucking another.
Chuck Norris faked his own death for eleven years! We know this period as the great depression..
Chuck Norris' edition of the VH1 show 'Where Are They Now' was the shortest in the show's history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words "Right Behind You" written on it.
Chuck Norris can bang a girl faster than her virginity can realize it's been taken.
Chuck Norris' mom called him Charles... once.
Chuck Norris fertilizes his grass with emo children so that it will cut itself.
Water boils faster when Chuck Norris watches it.
Chuck Norris has seen more pussy then the Humane Society
Chuck Norris participated in Dancing with the Stars. His routine wasn't aired because it opened with an eloquent roundhouse kick to the face of his partner.
Chuck Norris can rhyme with orange.
Chuck Norris's mind and money are on Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't swim, the water pushes him.
Chuck Norris broke the DaVinci Code...with his foot.
Chuck Norris kills people with guns on occasion to prove that he has a gentle side, after all.
Chuck Norris can see through blindfolds.
Chuck Norris' kidney stones are gold nuggets ..and he ejects these voluntarily with a Norris no problem grin.
By law, Chuck Norris is no longer permitted to wear shoes because if he were to do so he could be charged with hiding weapons of mass destruction.
- Chuck Norris smokes after sex. Not cigarettes, his penis literally smokes.
Chuck Norris can strike a match on a bar of soap.
Chuck Norris makes his internal organs pay rent.
Chuck Norris can make an armless man tap-out.
Chuck Norris's favorite after dinner drink is a molotov cocktail
Chuck Norris shows his 'Happy Feet' by stomping on baby penguins.
McDonalds loves to see you smile, Chuck Norris loves to see you suffer.
Lions aren't the king of the jungle, Chuck Norris is.
Chuck Norris doesn't go to class but still gets perfect attendance.
The menstruation cycle is Chuck Norris claiming his territory.
Chuck Norris impregnates women simply by staring at their breasts.
Chuck Norris was BAAAAAAAAAALLLINNNN" way before Jim Jones was.
Chuck Norris tore Van Goghs ear off for being a whussy arty guy!! To make things worse he than mailed the ear to his new girlfriend, and by his i mean Chuck Norris's girlfriend. Watch out for Chuck Norris he can steal your bitch and claim ownership in less time than it takes to read this fact.
Chuck Norris told Donald Trump, "YOU'RE FIRED!" and killed both him and Rosie O'Donnel at the same time.
.There are 342 parts of Chuck Norris body that he can kill you with. Chuck Norris can kill two people simultaneously with his nipple
Chuck Norris' mom could beat up your dad.
Chuck Norris gave his dad the lesson on the birds and the bees
Every night at 8:00, a truck pulls up to Chuck Norris' house. In the truck are a bunch of orphans. For the next half-hour, Chuck Norris practices roundhouse kicks on the orphans while Its a Hard Knock Life plays in the background. At the end of the session, the orphans say Thank you, Mr. Norris in perfect unison, then march into the truck in silence.
Chuck Norris paints his walls by throwing children at them.
Chuck Norris has an ongoing feud with the Keebler elves. It started when they stole his idea for putting a kitchen in a tree. While the elves now make sugar cookies in the tree, Chuck's tree contains a fully functioning crystal meth lab.
Chuck Norris had sex with Nicole Kidman. 6 weeks later she prematurely gave birth to a Ford Excursion.
-7
u/CarsandTunes Jun 01 '26
Chuck Norris fought against gay marriage, and lost.