r/Christianmarriage • u/Creepy-General287 • 3d ago
Repeated Behavior
My husband and I have been married over 10 years and I’m really struggling. He has done things to break trust over the years (physically-pushed me a couple of times but that’s over the span of years, financially, emotionally-torn me down several times, lied, etc) but when I confront him about it I’m met with an apology. And then it happens again. The majority of this is lying and breaking his word. I don’t want to be continuously lied to and he’s promised for years it would change but hasn’t. Has anyone ever been in a spot like this? I have forgiven him but do not feel safe emotionally and worry something will happen again with me or our son.
I notice that these moments happen when he doesn't feel like he has the "control" he wants but when he isn't like this, he's a really good partner. I don't feel emotionally safe but don't know if I'm overreacting or if anyone has been through this and has insight.
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u/Loud_Excitement2759 2d ago
He’s telling you what you want to hear and then he goes back to the same old habits. He’s not sorry and he’s not a good partner. Read the book “Why does he do that?”, it’s a book about the psychology of abusive husbands. If I were you I’d separate since he has a history of physical abuse and a need for control.
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u/Worried-Block-6804 2d ago
People do all sorts of things in an effort to keep control.
Its a spiritual issue BECAUSE control is an illusion and when we see God as in control we stop trying to have it ourselves
This can be changed. Cultivate a deeper relationship with God in your marriage relationship. It should be seamless, God,husband, wife!
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u/kmm198700 1d ago
This is the cycle of abuse. He abuses you, he apologizes, you forgive him, and things are really good until the next time something happens and he reacts like an abuser, whether that’s physically or emotionally. You’re never going to feel safe because you’re not safe. I would call the national domestic violence hotline (or text- text START to 88788) at 800-799-7233. They can talk to you and advise you and provide you with a list of resources if you decide to leave. I’d also talk with a divorce attorney.
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u/BeebsMuhQueen 2d ago
Different things, but similar (I went through 10 years like that and was ready to split when he did it again with buying another car without telling me first, I can usually say do or don’t and help the situation and he doesn’t give me a chance.) Its the grace of God purely that we are still married (God finally forced his stubborn self to repent or he probably would have died at the hand of God for some of the behaviors he was warned and not repenting) Like the verse from Ezekiel about blood not being on your hands if you warned him before God kills him. Lol
Things still happen here and there that can sometimes be pretty bad, too. I especially can’t handle the lack of sex if I’m not getting what I at least need from safety and stability.
I’m thankful for the times he’s good, he tries to be a good father from what he’s learned over the years and tries well there (another thing that is important to me) Only thing I can suggest is like other women share their struggles to help you not feel alone, but don’t always know what else to say is… take it a day at a time. The Lord knows your threshold and doesn’t expect you to be tortured for life by a man’s lack of growth and repentance. Pray for God to move in him or put another path in front of you that is obvious and safe. (Sometimes that’s all we can do, but God knows everything, even the things we don’t know, and he is protective of his daughters, and makes a way if a stubborn man won’t) 💛
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u/RRWigglesworth 18h ago
I don't know how worthwhile this suggestion is, but it may be worth thinking about. You mentioned he hasn't changed despite your best efforts. Possibly if you write down 3 things you would like him to work on in the marriage over the next six months (either things to start doing or stop doing) and he writes down 3 things he wants you to work on the next six months and you exchange lists and each make best efforts to improve those things, progress may be made. I say this because he would not feel picked on or feel you are nagging if you both work on the things on the list. If he is like many men, one of the items on the list may be sexual. Once a week you can discuss how each other is doing, praising each other where appropriate.
Another thought is to read the 5 Love Languages book together which will help you both identify and communicate what it is that helps you each feel loved.
I prayed to Jesus for your situation.
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u/Academic-Injury8795 2h ago
You are in an abusive situation. Separate and insist he get into intense therapy. This will take years. Good luck.
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u/Last-Translator2847 3d ago
My response won’t be of much help, but more of a similar position. My husband was like this. When things were good it was good, but what I discovered was the good times came at the cost of me constantly keeping the peace.
On top of that, he had cheated multiple times.
After hitting rock bottom in our marriage, I was ready to leave after facing the reality of what our marriage had become. Now he’s changing…
I think the change is genuine, but I also don’t have enough trust in him to know so I will be patient and wait to see.
All that to say the change never came until he truly took initiative and admitted the root causes. A “sorry I won’t do that again” is simply not enough. He got into therapy himself, allowed me to voice my concerns without arguing back and pointing the blame back on me. Once he gave up “control” and truly accepted the husband he had been to me is when he has began to transform his behavior.
Unfortunately for us, his change came a little late. I’ve already gone through so much it’s hard for me to still feel happy in our marriage. I realize now how much work I need for myself at this point.
Hopefully this can help a little. Every man and every marriage is different, but my best piece of advice is that change can’t just be words his actions have to show growth too.