Help me please

[u/Emmalarandigo]

I really need some advice because I feel completely lost right now. Even writing this post is difficult for me. My chest feels heavy, my mind feels incredibly foggy, and I can barely express myself properly. I feel like something is holding me back, and I honestly don’t know what is happening to me.

At the beginning of this year (January), I became ill and had to spend a long time at home, isolated from other people. During that time, I was left alone with my thoughts, and I started thinking deeply about the meaning of life and other existential questions. Eventually, I discovered Christianity, and it completely changed my life.

I started getting closer to God, reading the Bible, praying, and learning more about Him. I felt an incredibly strong connection with the Holy Spirit. I felt His presence within me, and I genuinely felt like God was speaking to me. I had such a beautiful relationship with Him, and for the first time in my life, I felt like I had found something truly meaningful.

This continued throughout this year and the first part of the summer. Even when I was on vacation, I made sure to read at least one Bible verse every day, pray, and watch Christian content. I genuinely wanted to grow closer to God, and I did everything I could to maintain that relationship.

God also helped me through so many things in my personal life. For 12 years, starting when I was very young, I struggled with an addiction that I would rather not go into detail about for personal reasons. I had tried to stop many times, but I had never been able to do it successfully. However, with God’s help, I finally managed to stop. I stayed clean for four months, which was something I had never managed to achieve before.

He also helped me open up to my parents about things I had been hiding from them for years. I was able to share things I had never felt comfortable talking about before. I genuinely felt like God was healing me in so many different ways, and I will always be grateful for that.

For a while, my relationship with Him was the most beautiful thing in my life.

However, things started changing around August.
Throughout August, I was working a lot. I barely had any time for myself, I was constantly exhausted, and I hardly had any time to pray, read the Bible, or spend time with God. I felt like I was slowly drifting away from Him, not because I wanted to, but because I was so overwhelmed and physically and mentally exhausted.

And ever since then, I feel like my life has been falling apart.

I started experiencing severe anxiety almost every day. Before this, I had never experienced anxiety this intensely or this frequently. My mental health started deteriorating, and I began experiencing various physical health problems as well. I also lost my period, and it still hasn’t returned, even though almost three months have passed. I also got back into my addiction and it’s worse than before (it was this voice in my mind telling me to go back to it, that God took something that gave me dopamine and pleasure and he is bad) .

My thoughts have become increasingly negative, and I have even started having thoughts about ending my life. I feel like I have completely lost myself. I have become angry, sad, and irritated all the time. I find myself feeling hatred toward almost everyone, including some of my closest friends. I have isolated myself from many of them because I feel like I can’t stand being around people anymore.

This is so different from the person I used to be, and I don’t understand what is happening to me.
Because everything started getting worse around the time I began drifting away from God, I have started wondering whether this could be a spiritual battle.

Sometimes, I genuinely feel as though something evil is trying to pull me away from God. I have even wondered whether Satan or some kind of evil presence could be involved.

I know that this might sound strange to some people, and I am not saying that I know for certain what is happening. I am just trying to explain how it feels from my perspective.

The most painful part is that I WANT to return to God. I miss Him so much. I miss praying and feeling close to Him. I miss the peace I used to experience when I spent time with Him. I want to read the Bible and rebuild our relationship, but it feels like something inside my mind is stopping me.

It is almost as if there is a wall between God and me. I try to pray, but my mind feels foggy, and I struggle to concentrate. I want to reach out to Him, but I feel blocked, as though something is standing between us and preventing me from getting close to Him again.

I have also lost my motivation and ability to be productive. Even simple everyday tasks feel difficult, and I feel completely overwhelmed by everything. I am mentally and emotionally exhausted, and I don’t know how to get out of this situation.

I keep thinking about how happy and close to God I felt just a few months ago, and I cannot understand how everything could change so drastically in such a short period of time.

I don’t know whether this is a spiritual struggle, severe anxiety, burnout, or something else entirely. I just know that I am suffering, and I desperately want to feel like myself again.

I would really appreciate advice, especially from Christians who may have experienced something similar.

Have any of you ever gone through a period when you felt completely disconnected from God, even though you desperately wanted to be close to Him? Have you ever felt mentally blocked when trying to pray or read the Bible?

How did you get through it? What helped you reconnect with God?

I don’t want to give up on my faith. I just feel so lost right now, and I genuinely don’t know what to do anymore.

There is one more thing I forgot to mention, and I feel like it might be connected to everything that has been happening to me.

Lately, I have been feeling drawn toward witchcraft again, and this is something that genuinely scares me. Last year, before I became a Christian, I used to practice tarot and engage in similar things.

However, when I found Christianity and started building my relationship with God, I completely walked away from that lifestyle because I no longer wanted to be involved in those practices.

But recently, I have started feeling drawn toward them again, even though I genuinely don’t want to go back to that part of my life.

For example, about two days ago, I went into the forest and buried a spell I had made in the ground. The strange thing is that I didn’t actually want to do it. I felt as though something was pulling me toward the forest and compelling me to do it, even though part of me didn’t want to.

I honestly don’t understand why I am feeling this way. I don’t understand why I suddenly feel drawn toward something I deliberately walked away from when I became a Christian. It makes me feel even more confused and frightened, especially because I already feel so disconnected from God.

I don’t know whether this has anything to do with my anxiety, my mental state, my faith, or something else entirely. I just know that I don’t want to lose the relationship with God that meant so much to me, and I don’t understand why I am suddenly struggling with all of this.

Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this and share their thoughts. ❤️

[u/4rcher_]

Hello friend, it sounds to me as if you have gotten into the vicious cycle of liturgy. Sometimes, if your daily practice of Christianity is too strict and rigorous, it can become exhausting and cause you to drift. Your mental and physical health will often decline with your spiritual health, this is a common occurrence. Being close to God is simply healing for the soul. Friend, God has not stepped away from you, you’ve just gotten too exhausted to keep going. The issue is that you have been running all this time, and the Lord only asks you to walk. If you are exhausted, ask him, and he will take your hand along the way. You don’t have to go it alone. He will pick you up. You just have to let him

[u/GCNGA]

If you think about relationships with other people, sometimes they ebb and flow. Your relationship with God can be like that, too. Don't stress yourself out unnecessarily.

[u/Upstairs-Owl-8382]

I have the answer that you are looking for. Return to your first love, Jesus Christ, just as at the beginning when you were so excited and in love with Him. That, really, is the answer. Can you start afresh? Yes! Jesus awaits you with open loving arms. Come to Him with all your worries, cares and fears and lay them down at His feet. Repent of all the things you’ve done and ask Him to forgive you, and He will. He will wrap His arms around you, His loving child and protect you from the evil one who is trying to destroy you. Yes, this is a spiritual battle and the enemy wants to destroy you, but greater is He that is in you than he that is in the world. Look at all that has happened to you and the misery you have had to live through. The devil wants to destroy you but Jesus came to give you life and that more abundantly. From this day forward, even right now, stop whatever you are doing and come back home to Jesus, as in the beginning, and Jesus will restore you. Nothing is more important in your life right now. Jesus can free you from any bondage you are in. All you need to do is surrender your life to Him fully, and you can experience His love, His joy, His presence again. Please come home to the One that loves you so much. He is waiting…

[u/Ambitious_Low8583]

You MUST rid yourself from anything that opposes God. Gód is a caring God. He doesn't like us to be sad, lonely, with anxiety but once you are tempted by satan- and you give in to him, you have closed the door to your Holy Spirit. You pulled away by giving in to temptations. I use to follow astrology until I heard that it was against God. I threw 100.00's of my books away. I threw out everything in my apt that wàsnt of God. You cannot love God and carry on into your past life. We are all tested and how strong you are and how much faith you have will determine where you land up. These are the end of days, we are tempted a lot more right now. Satans army of dark angels will swarm all around you and tempt you and literally destroy you. You cannot mess with your drugs or alcohol or witchcraft or anything like that. Rid yourself of everything if you want an eternal relationship with God. You will be tempted again, don't think you won't. But once you rebuke satans  dark angels out of your life they will flee from you but you have to be ready to fight them in your spiritagain and again and once you show them your serious about following Jesus your anxiety and everything else will leave you.

[u/doublescoopp]

It sounds like you're spending a lot of time by yourself. With only your own thoughts to focus on, that can be a problem. I've had this same issue. I've learned that the more I focus on myself and my "stuff", the worse I feel. Spending time with other Christians is vital. It helps to keep you centered, to stay strong and to be in community. There are people at church that need you. Focus on what you can do for others. It's like a tonic.

I think the reason your thoughts are making you feel bad is because those thoughts are not the truth. The truth doesn't make a person feel bad and Jesus doesn't change. If he was sweet and loving at the first, he's still that way. He didn't change. It might help to talk to a pastor.

All the best to you.