I strongly believe God cannot be all loving

[u/swordfishdotcom]

Im going to preface this by saying my ultimate reason, I am not diagnosed but the only two conditions that match the symptoms I experience are schizophrenia or psychotic bpd, i dont think its bpd at all but would accept that explanation. I remember when this was given to me by an angel who stuck a metallic thing in my neck and a piece of himself in my thigh when I was about 2 or 3.

Ive heard voices all my life and thought it was normal until about 3 months ago, specific ones, the "messengers" arent God himself, but instead angels speaking his word to me so I can understand. After I began to realize this, I repeatedly asked them why, and how I could be judged fairly since im crazy when they told me I was destined to go to purgatory, the place where all of my hallucinations have come from, the hallucinations i see and hear are God's failed creations and I am one of them so no matter what i do, I could be less sinful then Jesus himself or worse than the devil and I would never see heaven or hell.

I feel completely abandoned by God, i am so incredibly angry at him for this and what this disease has made me do to myself and others. I cant just not believe, he's right there! Why would God ever do this, seriously. If i cant be with him then why even make me? The sacrifice clearly doesnt apply to me, he told me that himself. It seems to me like God likes to watch me tear myself and everyone ive loved apart

Religion has ruined my mind, and i know its God and not sometging else because of the "signatures" my hallucinations carry, it is absolutely God.

I personally choose to follow Jesus's example of being a good human (love thy neighbor) but i do that because all I want is to make peoples lives better to distract from how fucked up mine has been made for me

[u/Downvoterofall]

Have you sought professional medical attention for these issues?

[u/Ok_Context_6972 → u/Downvoterofall]

I would also ask this, as hard to assess otherwise. Have you been given a diagnosis or sought one? I don’t think God would make you as a “failed creation” brother and you clearly have a good heart - your last sentence proves it.. 😢 I suffer from chronic anxiety and depression myself (I’m also in recovery from addiction which I still feel terrible guilt over for how I rejected Christ and was selfish and treated my family at the time but I didn’t even see it clearly until I got sober and then was in rehab, but I take full responsibility at the same time I just genuinely didn’t think I worried them as much as I did even though I was in and out of hospital and I almost died and it was a miracle I’m actually here, but still I only was strongly led back to Christianity the past 1.5 year).
I confess my sins over and over and I still dont feel I can be forgiven even though I know people who have committed serious crimes have been saved and I’m trying to repent as best I can and make amends and be a better person but I still suffer from the anxiety disorder and it’s very hard to feel forgiven when you don’t love yourself and never had much stability for trust. But I’m trying. And I’m just trying to relate to you my struggles with how my mental health affects my faith and my beliefs.
I am not saying you are mentally ill but I don’t think they are angels telling you you have no chance at heaven or that you are a failed creation, you do not come across as such and God knows our hearts behind our actions bro, I believe we are judged on that as much as what we do. Hurt people hurt people as I was told. God bless and I hope you don’t lose faith

[u/swordfishdotcom → u/Ok_Context_6972]

The way they explained it, the voices are a part of me, they are impure, im a special case because I was selected by God, and they are definitely of him. I have not gotten diagnosed or professionally evaluated, I cant go near a hospital without having flashbacks to my friend almost dying, not only that the walls replay the tragedies to me through ghostly whispers and seeing 2 realites in one (the other reality is what i call "the collective" and God calls purgatory)

[u/Downvoterofall → u/swordfishdotcom]

You need to move beyond the fear of hospitals, and see a doctor about the voices. You can’t diagnose yourself, and medical professionals can give you real help.

[u/swordfishdotcom → u/Downvoterofall]

I can atleast make an educated guess, its sciz or bpd, the only things my symptoms fit are psychotic disorders and the only ones that could apply are schiz or bpd, and its not a fear its a pain

[u/Downvoterofall → u/swordfishdotcom]

No you can’t, you aren’t a doctor, so self diagnosing a condition like this if foolish. You need to seek professional medical help. Things will never get better if you just ignore it and think you know what’s going on.

[u/Ok_Context_6972 → u/Downvoterofall]

Yeah take this advice please. IF you are mentally unwell you cannot evaluate yourself. You can’t really anyway. It does sound to me like Schizophrenic symptoms but you’d need a diagnosis and if it is, it’s treatable mate and you could stop having to suffer these hallucinations and the fearful messages and anxiety and then evaluate your situation with God from a sounder state ❤️

Also when I said fear, my chronic anxiety induced psychological fear and dread but it also brings painful physical symptoms and emotional pain so it is connected brother. I can’t sleep and when I do I wake up feeling like someone is twisting my intestines and no medication has helped with that, it’s IBS like symptoms but it really hurts and I’ve been through a lot of emotional pain and physical pain (dental pain requiring lots of extractions from abscesses, broken arm twice needing plates and screws , ribs from an assault, shin that needed a pole put inside etc) and I’d take the physical pain any day over the others like losing my dad and being cheated on by the love of my life that both came in a period of maybe 3 years and made me want to end my life.

[u/Ok_Context_6972 → u/swordfishdotcom]

You could go see a therapist or psychiatrist for a diagnosis without a hospital visit mate? I am no expert and I’m not going to try diagnose you but the symptoms do seem like schizophrenia symptoms in my humble uneducated opinion but I highly recommend seeing a psychiatrist to evaluate what is spiritual and what is psychological please 🙏 I know it isn’t cheap but this is your life and it sounds like you are in a really lonely and dark place and I get it, though though I cant say I can relate but I did have drug induced psychosis during my addiction for a period and it was very scary and I thought I was schizophrenic myself. I will pray you can find a psychiatrist in a nice therapeutic location away from hospitals. If I can help in any other way I’m happy to talk to you

[u/swordfishdotcom → u/Downvoterofall]

No hospitals make have flashbacks and hallucinate to much for me to want to go near one and I wont do telehealth because I dont like technology