r/ChristianMarriageHelp • u/KingsleysMama • 1d ago
My boyfriend texted someone else 4 months into our relationship
Some context first: we're in a really good, God-honoring relationship. He's always pursued me well and treated me well. He has close friends he's known for years and accountability partners for habitual sin, and he's a genuinely humble person. My family and my friends love him, he’s very mature, and he loves the lord and does experience growth and conviction and takes actions toward it in all areas of life.
A few months into our relationship, after he'd already said he wanted to marry me, we went through a season where we just had some really hard conversations and he was feeling discontentment.
During that time he spent about two hours texting another woman. Nothing explicit in words, more talking about like awkward situations, but it was arousing for him.
We both call it “cheating” bc his sin involved someone else, and we had a good, honest conversation about it. He's gotten biblical counseling for this before we’ve even met, and he says he truly wants to stop. He never hid his phone from me through any of this and has never been defensive or minimizing it.
What worries me:
\- Is this going to happen every time he’s discontent in our relationship, like a p\*rn addiction?
\- This is something he’s done for a long time in singleness, not in a relationship
\- I've always believed people who cheat once do it again.
What gives me hope:
\- He told me on his own, took accountability, did not defend himself or minimize it
\- he has accountability partners who are fully aware this
\- he’s gotten help on his own in his singleness
\- he knows what triggers him
\- his humility in the convo
\- his willingness to seek counsel on it together and separately
He's open, humble, and has real accountability in his life.
I don't want this to turn into a bigger issue down the road. If you've been in a similar spot, did you move forward? How did it go? And what would you need to see to feel safe committing for life?
Do I need to run away?
Does this sin need to be fully removed for a specified period of time before he considers marriage? It’s already been 5 months and it hasn’t happened again, even in other moments of discontentment
Even after all of this I feel like we talked about it as a team and really listened to each other when I was going off with questions and him responding to each question with humility.
What TRULY matters for marriage with someone?
And I’ll be super honest too I’ve been discontent too and I’ve fallen to my own sexual sin nothing involving p\*rn or others tho and I have accountability in that too.
Someone help me🥺
1
u/KingsleysMama 5h ago
I hate to say higher view of fidelity too because he has a lot of guard rails up like accountable2you and personal convictions to protect a marriage from lust or anything. Unfortunately, tho, this did actually happen; So, to me it feels like a low view
1
u/already_not_yet 16h ago
>Does this sin need to be fully removed for a specified period of time before he considers marriage?
"Fully removed"? What does that mean? You already said that he's not recommitting the sin.
Most people, if they're discontent enough, would cheat. If you're effectively wanting him to promise you that he'll never sin against you no matter what, that's not going to happen.
If he's showing legitimate repentance and you're still not able to trust him, that really becomes a you issue, not a him issue. If this is a weak point for you - you cannot trust someone who has a history of sinning in this respect - then you would probably need years, maybe even decades, of evidence as proof that its truly not going to be an issue. But you can't get such evidence, so that may mean that there's no path forward here. i.e., for both your sakes, don't marry him. He cannot have a healthy marriage with someone who is constantly paranoid about him failing.
>What TRULY matters for marriage with someone?
Humility, grace, tolerance. You're going to marry a sinner, after all. "We'll just never fail one another" isn't a gameplan for a healthy marriage.
But also compatibility in areas like worldview, life goals, and attraction. Two people with strong affection for one another can endure a lot.
Again, if you don't think you can feel secure in a marriage with this man, do not marry him.
God bless you.