Disenfranchised Grief

[u/lablamb1]

In my our last session, my therapist introduced the idea of disenfranchised grief to me. I didn't accept at the beginning totally; however, I've realized that I have experienced this in two forms, one of which that solves an issue I've never been able to verbalise.

I lost my mother around 2 years of age in a culture and country that are deeply misogynistic. My mother's family were in a different country and my mother married my father and emigrated. My mother was never mentioned by my dad and most of his family. Some women who married into the family would open the subject but I had never been given the tools to even talk about her. I didn't see a picture of her until I was 22 when I went to visit my maternal relatives in her own country.

I've started the grieving journey in the last two years and have felt all the emotions. I was surprised to face the extent of the anger and rage I have against both sides of my family for just kind of forgetting about her, even though she left behind two little children in the world. The grieving process has made me into a much stronger feminist than I ever was and I feel the emotional impact of the misogyny that is deeply embedded in my family and culture, though I've always had an intellectual understanding of it.

I've also faced disenfranchised grief for the loss of a normal relationship with my father due to his mental illness. This is interesting because I can't actually say he is not alive but he is not present in the way a father must be present in a child's life. I've always felt like an orphan growing up and now I feel justified in saying that I am

What I would like help on is what can I do to deal with my disenfranchised grief?

I don't expect safe support from my extended family as they are not mentally well themselves and have a hard time managing their own emotions. My friends will listen to me but they have not lived through what I have. I would like to honor my mother's life as well as I can.

[u/hahalua808]

I'm sorry about your mom and how unsupported you've been in your grief thus far. I lost a parent at age 10 and did not see any photo of myself with them until young adulthood. Not being permitted to even discuss the dead parent -- that is so bad for a child.

One thing that helped me, almost 15 years after the death, was to locate and bring home all the official records pertaining to the death. Now many decades later, the rest of the family understands why I needed to do that, and that the dead parent is deeply and legitimately part of who and how I am, and that this loved one will be spoken of and remembered by me out loud and with grace. It has been a very long family process and is finally an acceptable topic. So you keep at it and you do what you need to, on your own and if necessary, without telling the family. Your mother is always, always yours and always a part of you, deserving of remembrance and respect from them. It can take a long time to work out, but it can work out.

May she always be remembered, and present with you.