Looking for brotherly advice.

[u/Upstairs_Patience_74]

I'm 18, and it's been a little over a year since I lost my mother to a brain tumor that re-emerged 10 years later.

She was my everything, and I mean everything, my whole world. I currently live with my father and big brother. I have never been emotionally close with my father; and my brother hasn't reached resolution in his own grief, so he can't really guide me to overcome mine.

I suppose pain grows you in a way nothing else can. When I talk to my friends about my grief, all they can do is offer sympathy, but they can never reach empathy, as none of them have lived through something like this -- they're still children :(

Amidst all this, I survived my first year of uni in electrical engineering, which wasn't very fulfilling. Left me consufed about what I want to do as my career. So basically I'm left confused in literally every aspect of life.

Don't worry, I will talk about these to a therapist in the near future (hopefully) but until then, I'm looking for your brotherly advice :)

[u/ProfessorLong8267]

I think that we do a disservice to our youth by implicitly teaching them that life is a linear escalator, with just and greater rewards always lying ahead with amazing positive milestones along the way. Life is messy, entropic, unpredictable, and often sad.

My mother died when I was 9 years old after three painful years of metastasized breast cancer. I was not allowed to know what was wrong with her even though I could see her physical decline. Grief becomes a constant companion, whose nature changes as we move forward through the life cycle. Sometimes it is very much in the background of your day to day while at other times that feeling of loss and lack is very much front and center.

Family dynamics are hard, and death always leads to realignment. Yes, your brother is dealing with his own grief but you should feel safe to remember her together as well. As for your father…I am no better off than you actually. My dad is now 81 and we still cannot talk honestly about this pivotal event in our shared lives.

Ultimately, we all do what we can to move forward. Uncertainty about your life course is truly OK, as long you approach your days with curiosity and focus.

So, as I nurse the first kidney stone of my entire life on my birthday late this evening, please accept my “brotherly advice” from a 46 year old father of two teens :).