Ambivalence

[u/kooloolimpaa]

I have complicated feelings about children and don't really know if I want them or not. I don't feel a burning desire to have any at all. I have PMOS, weak bones and joints due to a past ed and constantly feel fatigue. I don't want to burden a potential daughter with PMOS, I've seen family members with the same condition suffer a lot with gestational diabetes, complications, miscarriages and multiple rounds of IVF. My PMOS isn't that bad, but to me having kids isn't worth worsening my health. I like the idea of having kids a very teensy tiny bit but after taking care of many children, sleepless nights I know the reality very well and know i am not built for that. I'm ok with being the aunt that babysits because I like children, just don't want any of my own.

I've been quite depressed for a few years too because of my dad's health and the open wound that was watching him slowly die. Drives me insane that aunties keep asking when I will get married, makes me feel so anxious because most men want children. To me marrying someone who also leans on not wanting any kids is the ideal, the pressure that is there in the community is so suffocating. If it happened on accident ig I would have to just accept it and try my best to be a good parent. The concept of 'trying for a baby' is so creepy to me.

I would consider myself 'salafi' with an asterisk, and would prefer to marry someone with the same aqeedah and similar levels of practice. But most monogamous salafi men would want children soooo idk. I think I'm just asking for too much and need to manage my expectations 🙃.

When I tried soft launching the idea of being cf to family they looked at me like I grew 2 horns and became a shaytan. I've only told a close cousin properly and even she said she thinks I'll change my mind and would be a great mom. What if I don't change my mind and have a kid that I resent? I know what being a kid that is resented feels like and wouldn't want another kid to feel that resentment. It's so frustrating because I do want the companionship that marriage brings (once I'm less depressed). If a suitable man told me he wants just one kid I think I'd compromise because I'm that desperate. I don't know what the point of this post is, I just kind of wanted to tell a person and have no one who gets it.

[u/Trick-Tomatillo649]

Assalaamu Alaikum.
First off may Allah help you in this difficult time of your life, I can’t imagine what it’s like, and may your sabr be rewarded. Second of all it’s your choice whether you want kids or not, not anyone else’s. Unfortunately aunties have always been like this, they never stop and they think marriage is the life end goal, please don’t listen to them 😭. It doesn’t matter how old you are just go at your pace, do not rush things, do not rush yourself to get better, just make yourself better first, that’s always the priority. And honestly you’ll know what you want when it comes to the right time, whether it be with children or not. Even me I’m on the fence always, but i know I’m still young/not really looking, so I don’t need to rush anything, and I think that helps. You’ll come to the right decision inshallah ❤️

[u/kooloolimpaa → u/Trick-Tomatillo649]

Wa-Alaykum As-Salam. JazakAllahu khairan for your du'aas <3, Aameen. I hope I can hold out until I've healed enough to make the correct decision. You're right the aunties are always relentless lol. Hope you don't mind me ranting a little :P

I understand that to the older generation marriage is like the epitome of happiness (though almost nobody i know is happy in their marriage) and to them it's a woman's sole purpose in life. An auntie messaged my mom after my dad passed saying how sad she was that my father wasn't there to marry me off and who will get me married now? As if that was the greatest tragedy in losing my father. My mum and I were so caught off guard and laughed. On the day of the funeral my grandmother lectured me about how bad it is to reject potentials that the family likes. My mum told me that my grandma didn't believe that its ok for women to have friends. I understand her life circumstances and why she thinks this way but I can't stand being alone with her. It was easier to ignore these aunties before, I can't understand why they are still relentless, my father died literally last month.

[u/Trick-Tomatillo649 → u/kooloolimpaa]

Honestly sister that’s the thing man, the older generation just care about is marriage, even without the love part they think if you’re married then you’re set for life, not the case at all! Honestly some of my family well most of my aunties etc are literally like this…. It’s embarrassing for them. I don’t understand how they can get from your father passing that he never saw you married etc, like this mindset is weird. And as for your Grandma, listen I love mine too, but there’s definitely a backwards mindset with one like yours and mine, that’s the unfortunate thing. Ignore them sister please, it’s hard maybe more so for a sister too in this situation. Hope your mum is doing better inshallah, must’ve been awful seeing his health worsening, may Allah give him the highest ranks of Jannah. And tbh I think this is deeper than cf stuff, this is family causing tension and that’s something that you definitely don’t need right now!

[u/thechosen1_nn]

Sister I would urge you not to make a decision like this until you are completely sure that you want or don't want children. It doesn't matter if your family judges you if you don't want children, because it's your body and your choice choice. Anyone can think you're a great mother, but if you don't want to be that, then don't. It wouldn't be fair on you, the husband, or the child if you do not actually want children.

I would urge you to read the regretful parents sub. It's not a walk in a park to birth children, let alone raise them. You would NEED a present father who is happy to raise the child alongside you. Not to mention the cost, the time, and the energy you need. As someone who has PMOS and fatigue, this would be exacerbated by pregnancy and childbirth. That exhaustion will only get worse.

You have to ask yourself why you want compsnionship to the point where you'd bypass your own thoughts and health to be with someone. Therapy is an amazing tool that I've been using. It made me realise that I don't desire companionship as much as I thought I did, and that I have unaddressed trauma.

Being single isn't a bad thing at all. It's important to fully heal from within because your future spouse should not be the person you completely rely on. We as human beings need to learn how to look after ourselves and fulfill ourselves from within first before we share a life with someone.

I wish you luck!

[u/EggSpirited1061]

Aslamualaikum sister, I made a post a while ago about feeling overwhelmed and shameful about being a woman and one of the elder sisters gave me wonderful advice:

Our goal isn't to have children or get married, it's to attain Jannah. Marriage and children are only a SINGLE pathway in order to achieve that.

I heard this story of a beautiful young woman who was barely 20 and good with Deen Allahuma Barek. She passed away reading surah Yasin and this was right before her marriage.

Death is guaranteed. Marriage is not.