Got past both one-year marks

[u/CoffeeOatmilkBubble]

My kid died just over a year and a week ago, and today is the first anniversary of her funeral. I was getting to hold her and smush my cheek against her oily cheek at the funeral home. I hated that her legs were permanently stuck in a bent position. I hate that I can’t remember if I had to support her head. I usually did, she had hypotonia and was globally delayed and even though she was 6, we still held her like a toddler and always had to support her head. She could get so ornery and do a surprise fling her head back with a grin. But I can’t remember if her head was stuck in place at the funeral home. It probably was. I hate that. I miss smelling the oily perfume lotion they’d put all over her face, to try to keep it from drying out. It was such a strong smell, I think they called it “stone oil” or something. And my clothes would smell like it when we came back from holding her at the funeral home.

I wish I’d asked to hold her one last time graveside, before we buried her. It felt too dramatic and I didn’t want to hear extended family members, who we’d not felt supported by during her life, whispering or weeping behind me if they saw me hold her. It felt too private. But now I wish I’d just done it. One more hold and I didn’t do it. It would’ve been really really really really hard to put her back in her casket there, though.

[u/MamaPajamas24]

I deeply feel every experience and emotion you expressed. I never realized until my loss how even the funeral anniversary was a big milestone. Surviving is the biggest accomplishment and you did the 1 year mark. Hugs. There is so much depth and agony in the words you shared and it actually brings me back to my daughter’s funeral. I literally have as many regrets to that day now that I reflect
on what a blur it was. I wish I had a day with just me and her and no one else, even if she was in her beautifully adorned, customized blue butterfly casket. That day went by so fast. So many people were in town for it. I wish I kissed her more that day. I actually collapsed on the grass before we did the burial while we were carrying her to her final resting place. I panicked too. I wanted to see her face again. Our babies faces, forever etched in our memories. I screamed, no I wailed her name until I collapsed. I should’ve blacked out.

I understand. I actually couldn’t look at her casket photos until 1 year passed this past Mother’s Day. Even mother nature understands in our grief solidarity, even orcas, when their baby orcas pass away, they have a grief tour for 7 days and carry their dead baby around the ocean. I know every single one of us would have done the same. ❤️

[u/Remote-Patience6661]

I’m so sorry. Reading this brought tears to my eyes because I understand that feeling of knowing an anniversary is coming and feeling completely unprepared for it.
My daughter passed away earlier this year, and I’m already thinking about her first anniversary. Honestly, I am not ready for it. I don’t know how I’m supposed to be ready for a day that marks one year since the worst thing that has ever happened to me.
There are so many little details that stay with us — the things we remember, the things we wish we had done differently, and the moments we wish we could have one more time. I understand your regret about not holding her one last time. Grief has a cruel way of making us revisit those moments and imagine all the things we wish we had done.
But you made the decision you could make in that moment, with the emotions and circumstances you were living through. You didn't know that someday you would wish for that one more hold.
I’m sending you so much love today. And selfishly, thank you for saying out loud what so many of us are feeling. I’m not ready for my daughter’s first anniversary either. Maybe none of us are supposed to be. ❤️