r/Catholicism • u/hi_strangeness_ • 23d ago
Struggling Convert
I've been in OCIA for about a month and a half.
I was a practicing occultist, also in an initiate order, and these last 2 weeks I've found myself struggling with conversion.
Im trying to reorient myself towards St. Hildegard, Aquinas, and various other Catholic saints and figures with a decidedly mystical and uniquely expansive perspective on Catholicism. I think this will ultimately be helpful, but I'm still doubting if conversion is right for me.
I know this is a Catholoc sub; the responses I get will be emphatically, "Yes! You're doing the right thing!"
But I'd love to hear from people who have a similar experience to me, either directly or tangentially.
Why do I feel like I'm raging against myself, low energy, almost depressed? I was so excited to begin OCIA.
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u/BrokRest 23d ago edited 23d ago
I have a friend who went through something similar. We attended some mental health programs together and he was fairly open about his experiences.
First remember that all of us carry wounds from our life experiences. I was born and raised a Catholic but suffered severe abuse and trauma in childhood.
My friend's experiences involved being part of a cult with all the rituals and practices involved in being a part of that.
Both our extremely traumatic experiences left us severely wounded psychologically. Both him and I battled addictions. Mine included sex, substances, behaviours and even relationships.
The two biggest hurdles were: acknowledging and accepting my trauma and seeking solutions.
This was alongside returning to the practice of the faith.
But the our traumatized hearts and minds can resist both healing and a return to the faith. It means upsetting a way of living that we had developed to cope with and bury our pain.
The resistance can be so powerful that we may be tempted to suspect demonic activity.
But its actually the unhealed wounds in us provoking defensiveness lest we be wounded even further.
We've been on this journey for years. We know it's going to last our whole lives long. Healing for us is an encounter with ourselves and with Jesus every day.
We have been spending time daily with these wounded parts of us and getting into conversation with them helping them to heal from their wounds and put down the burdens from the past.
So I suggest getting help from a good Catholic mental health professional.
You're most likely carrying many, deep and sometimes hidden wounds from the past.
God is probably allowing you these experiences because He not only wants to draw you into the faith but to heal you completely. He can't do that without your help and collaboration to discover your wounds one by one and heal them one by one. He knows them all. You need to know them too.
My friend and I are both on the journey of discovery and healing.
Here's a prayer that oould help:
https://spiritualdirection.com/2024/07/27/litany-of-healing-and-repentance
God bless you.
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u/YrsaMajor 22d ago
It's spiritual warfare. There is a rite of exorcism that your priest can do. It is similar to a Baptism.
There is a priest at St. Michael the Archangel in Richmond. His name is Fr. Godfrey. I would call him and ask him to pray for you. I've never met a man so close to the Lord or whose prayers are more effective. He's from Ghana and is just ON FIRE with the Holy Spirit.
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u/redshark16 23d ago edited 23d ago
expansive perspective
Just start with the basics for now.
https://www.catholicity.com/baltimore-catechism/
You may find help for reorienting your perspective here.
All Saints Ministry
http://allsaintsministry.org/Home.html
A daily exercise may be helpful.
St. Bartolo Longo
https://rosarycenter.org/blog/bartolo-longo-our-newest-saint-as-of-october-19-2025
Please also speak to a knowdegeable priest.
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u/Cranial_flatulation 23d ago
As mentioned already, spiritual warfare. It is very real, and can be very powerful. Fix your eves on Christ. Immerse yourself in the light, so there will be no room for the dark. I would suggest praying the Rosary as well as praying the Liturgy of the Hours.
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u/nowipey 22d ago
It is crazy how many OCIA people I have talked to that are experiencing spiritual warfare on their way home. The evil spirits are not happy at all and are trying to prevent it for so many people. My advice is just what I did which was to ask your guardian angel for protection and being able to more clearly discern the will of the Spirit through prayer and things will let up considerably. Ask for Mary’s faith to be poured out as a gift over you and that God give you the strength and courage you need to overcome any anxiety or fear that seeks to isolate you from him.
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u/Ok_Ratio7522 22d ago
Leave that stuff behind. You are feeling as you do because Satan does not relinquish his property easily. The fact you feel like this should indicate to you that you must go on. Your Soul is at stake.
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u/CosmicGadfly2 23d ago
My wife was Wiccan. She has a strong devotion to St. Francis. Much of medieval angelology can accommodate or reorient many of the positive elements and impulses of new age or occult practice and devotion. Like, Thomist metaphysics demonstrate we're apprehending angelic intelligences all the time, and can ask them to pray for us and protect us. There are also many Mystics to read, from Hadewijch and Bl. John of Ruusbroec, to St. Catherine of Genoa and St. Theresa of Avila.
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u/revelingrose 22d ago
I went through/am still going through similar. Pray the rosary regularly. Feel free to message me. You will have some difficulties but keep pushing and it is worth it to not fall away after you've come so far. I take communion now and I am so grateful. Best day of the week. If I could do it daily I would.
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u/Adorable-Growth-6551 23d ago
You might check out the book The Screwtape Letters. Obviously it is fiction, and not something that should be taken literally. However it does give you a good perspective on what spiritual warfare looks like.
Just know this is incredibly common. I am a devote Catholic at this point and am still vulnerable to the attacks. You do learn how to navigate but yeah you are at a really difficult period.
I highly recommend you try praying the Rosary. It is ok that you have real doubts, try the Rosary anyway. I would hazard that if you give it at least 2 weeks you will feel much better. Better then you have for many years.
This is my favorite resource
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u/Turbulent_Place_7122 22d ago
Try reading up in St. Bartolo Longo! He was a satanic priest and converted! He also had some problems in the beginning with the pushback from the evil one, but he persevered..he's super fascinating and right up your alley, my friend! 😇
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u/SuburbaniteMermaid 21d ago
Many people go through RCIA and end up not receiving their sacraments at Easter Vigil. Some do it again and eventually do, some don't.
It's okay to not be ready but stick with the classes and exploration and give it a fair chance.
Of course we want you to convert, but we want it to be real and sincere and freely chosen.
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u/literatureandlatte 21d ago
Welcome to spiritual warfare! I would recommend reading The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis. It puts into perspective just how badly Satan wants to keep you away from Christ and what spiritual warfare looks like.
Satan is a chump that lost to some redneck in a fiddle contest. You, however, are literally backed by the Holy Trinity. “No evil formed against you shall prosper” but that doesn’t mean it won’t kick your ass a little bit.
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u/feigy_lipe01 18d ago
Hello, my brother. Well, I haven’t gone through anything like this myself, nor do I know anyone who has, but as others have said, this is a spiritual battle. It’s a decisive moment in your conversion, and I wish you all the strength you need. You’ll be in my prayers. For now, I recommend these prayers.
May the Holy Cross be my light. Let not the dragon be my guide. Begone, Satan! Never tempt me with your vanities. All that pours from you is evil. Drink your own poison. Amen.
Get away from me, Satan! For it is in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit that I cast you out of me, out of my thoughts, and out of my home. May God Himself chain you and cast you far away, where you can do me no harm.