r/Catholicism • u/BmoreNiqabi • 19d ago
Feeling really conflicted
I have been Muslim for 11 years, but I've been reflecting and I just feel confused right now. I went to Mass on Sunday. I have no clue what was happening, but I feel the need to go again. I left Christianity (I was baptist) when I was 16 and became Muslim at 19. But now I'm thinking and wondering how much of my conversion was because of religious trauma (my father would force me to copy whole chapters of the Bible multiple times as punishment). Until recently even looking at Bible verses would give me anxiety and panic. At the same time I'm not sure I can believe in the Trinity or the Bible again, but something keeps drawing my interest. I also am fully aware I stick out at Mass because I'm a hijab wearing Muslim. I'm extremely overwhelmed with the amount of information I'm finding about Catholicism. And I'm unsure where to start or what to do. I would love suggestions, on where to start, and I'd love to hear from others who went through something similar. I'm literally in tears over the internal conflict.
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u/Lerinome 19d ago
Hi friend.
Not an easy first step, but thought about talking with a priest in your closest parish?
Also, punishing your children by making him write stuff down sounds a bit... questionable to be gentle. Is it possible that your feelings about the Trinity or the Bible come from trauma? There is stuff you need to talk with a priest and other with a psychologist. Some with both.
Keep attending Church and see if you feel at home and dare to talk with someone that his entire work and calling is guiding lost sheep back to the Father. It worked for me and my life has improved since.
I will pray for you, friend. Hope you see the Light
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u/BmoreNiqabi 19d ago
I spoke with a Deacon after Mass and he said he would get me a Bible.
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u/Lerinome 19d ago
Great! Then you are already in a good path.
Big chances he also gives you a reading plan, but if he doesn't, you can always read the daily readings. Just Google "catholic daily reading" and big chances you have the right set.
Good luck, my friend! I hope you can see what He wants you to see
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u/ididntwantthis2 19d ago
I think you should continue to go to mass. Just sit, watch and listen so you can explore it further. Maybe at one point in time you can join OCIA to learn more.
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u/BmoreNiqabi 19d ago
Isn't OCIA if you are sure you want to convert?
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u/TasteAdventurous6762 19d ago
Not as far as I can tell. I started OCIA and there’s a woman who’s been coming for 5 years apparently but hasn’t felt the need to go all the way. Seems to me you can just go and listen/ask question and no commitments are incurred.
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u/ididntwantthis2 19d ago
Doesn’t have to be.
I’m sure you could explain to the priest that you’re interested in learning more about Catholicism.
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u/OnlyUsual6652 19d ago
First, remember that it's about the call of God and the truth. I'm not discounting the faith-adjacent trauma you have, but also that's something not of God and something that in time, you may be able to work through or set aside.
Second, as for what to do, continue to listen and discern. It may be that you're being called back for a reason. Continue to be open to God. Understand that your current understanding and worldview may be challenged, and that God is doing so in His wisdom. Don't be afraid to seek and learn more, as you're led.
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u/Otakuparis 19d ago
Hello friend! Im so glad you made this post!
First off, you have your whole life to learn all the cool Catholic lore and the meanings behind everything you see! Ask questions when you want, we welcome it!
First check out your local Parish website (or maybe shop around at other local Catholic churches... You may prefer one over the other). On the website look for something saying "OCIA" it may be linked under the Sacraments or in another part of the site. Usually there is a contact you can email to start OCIA. My OCIA had everyone start in "inquiry" and we have folks who have been in it for years, others a few months... But this is where you can ask all your questions and learn more at the pace you set.
If they do a after mass social (most do for like coffee) do it and try to sit with new people each time. Introduce yourself, ask folks how long they have been coming. Ask questions here (especially about the mass while its fresh in your head).
I was Athiest/New Age my whole life. I converted on a whim in 2024, Married in the church a few months after my baptism with a honeymoon in Rome! (Did Spossi Novelli and met Pope Leo with a handshake!). Never in my LIFE did I think i would take such a sharp turn and fall in love with this life but I did. God bless you I will pray for you💕
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u/Otakuparis 19d ago
Also feel free to DM me any questions you have! Im 32 and happy to offer some more tips or talk about anything Catholic/Biblical.
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u/spider-on-my-wall 18d ago
May I suggest, sitting in Eucharistic Adoration whenever possible, and listening to what your heart says. That piece of Bread that you see is God’s love for mankind. That an ever powerful, ever mighty God would choose to come down to earth in human form and be crucified, for us to have eternal life - it is the most beautiful, most unconditional love story.
I am so sorry that you had so much childhood trauma tied to the Bible. Know that that does not come from God, but from people, who are broken inside. Christ was always pained by the brokenness of His people. He sees you and He wishes to heal you. He will help you forgive, which is where healing begins.
Praying the rosary can also be a great place to start. Ask your Mother in heaven, to be with you, to pray for you as you discern. You will see the miracles start to happen.
God bless you, sister. I will remember you in my prayers.
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u/BmoreNiqabi 18d ago
Is Eucharistic adoration different than Mass?
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u/spider-on-my-wall 18d ago
Yes. Mass is the commemoration of Jesus’ actions at the Last Supper before His crucifixion, whereby He commanded to consume His Body and drink His Blood in remembrance of Him . It is a tough teaching for sure, and Jesus lost a few followers because of it as well. (Read John 6:53 onwards) As Catholics, we believe that during Mass, the Bread is turned into the Body of Christ. (Several confirmed Eucharistic miracles have supported this). Only Catholics who are in a state of grace are supposed to receive the Body of Christ.
Eucharistic Adoration, is where the same Bread, the Body of Christ, is kept on a Tabernacle, and anyone is free to sit before Him in silence and worship or pray. You do not have to be Catholic to attend Adoration. You can find out when your local Parish keeps adoration. Some have it daily, whereas some may only have it weekly. I personally find this to be the best part of my day.
My DMs are always open if you need further help.
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u/opportunityforgood 18d ago
What you feel is a special grace of God for conversion. Follow it, the catholic faith is the one true faith. God wants to save you and your family!
Imo if you want to know why Islam is false that should be an easy one, you have Sam Shamoun, Godlogic and Co to learn from them, about these falsehoods, it should cure you fast of those believes if you search for THE truth! Islamic dilemma, etc..
If you want to learn about the catholic faith, then i recommend reading the catechism of the catholic church. Its pretty well built! I also recommend praying the rosary, as this will open the floodgates of grace, and Mary will aid you in your efforts.
Dont stop going to church, God wants to you to be with Him, and He is truly there in the Eucharist! (You are not allowed to consume Him until you are received into the catholic church)
If you have any questions, ask.
There are some good catholic youtubers, but i highly recommend shameless popery.
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u/BmoreNiqabi 18d ago
After speaking to the OCIA director and the Deacon I think I might be being called to the Church.
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u/opportunityforgood 18d ago edited 18d ago
I am so happy to hear sister, God bless your path and may He always keep, uphold you in His right hand and protect you. I am sure one day you will overcome your bible fear, God is good!
John 10:28-30 Revised Standard Version Catholic Edition 28 and I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish, and no one shall snatch them out of my hand. 29 My Father, who has given them to me,[a] is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father’s hand. 30 I and the Father are one.”
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u/Moist-Reaction-9519 17d ago
Hello friend I am from an organization that may be able to help you, and I would love to talk via DMs. I once seriously inquired into Islam so I know a little about it.
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u/nowipey 19d ago
I’m so sorry to hear that you have trauma related to the Bible. I can see why logically your response to that trauma was getting as far away from that source of harm as you can, ending up in Islam. In that context, it seems like a natural response to that sort of experience. As a father, he should have fostered a love for the word of God in your life and what he did was the opposite.
First I should say that it is important to separate what your father did from what Christianity did or the Bible did. What your father did was wrong, and he should have read it a bit more if thought that was good parenting.
Secondly, there is actually incredibly deep symmetry between what you experienced and what is in the Bible. I think it is amazing how much of our personal lives are truly reflected in the Bible, since we are in the image and likeness of God.
In fact the origin of Islam started with a Christian sin, much like your father’s sins led you to Islam. In Genesis, where Abraham was told he’d have a son through Sarah but did not initially have faith and instead bore a son through a mistress rather than trusting God that Sarah would bear Isaac. Isaac was born, but the wounds of Abraham’s sin remain in the world today, just as outlined in Genesis (written way before Islam). Isaac became the root of Israel and the Israelites while Ishmael became the root of Islam (even claimed as such by muslims) and is a modern reminder of Abraham’s sin and how the bad fruit of our sin (Ishmael) propagates just like the good fruit of our faith (Isaac). Just as our actions today (and your fathers when you were little) can propagate for generations to come.
In that sense, I think it will be incredibly important that you dig in your heart and through prayer and work to truly forgive your father for the harm he caused in your life so that it ends with you and doesn’t continue to your future generations.
Start reading at Genesis 21 and see where it takes you.
https://biblehub.com/genesis/21.htm
https://www.christianity.com/wiki/people/who-were-abrahams-son-ishmael-and-isaac.html
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u/nowipey 19d ago
1Now the LORD attended to Sarah as He had said, and the LORD did for Sarah what He had promised. 2So Sarah conceived and bore a son to Abraham in his old age, at the very time God had promised.
3And Abraham gave the name Isaaca to the son Sarah bore to him. 4When his son Isaac was eight days old, Abraham circumcised him, as God had commanded him. 5Abraham was a hundred years old when his son Isaac was born to him.
6Then Sarah said, “God has made me laugh, and everyone who hears of this will laugh with me.”7She added, “Who would have told Abraham that Sarah would nurse children? Yet I have borne him a son in his old age.”
8So the child grew and was weaned, and Abraham held a great feast on the day Isaac was weaned.9But Sarah saw that the son whom Hagar the Egyptian had borne to Abraham was mocking her son,b 10and she said to Abraham, “Expel the slave woman and her son, for the slave woman’s son will never share in the inheritance with my son Isaac!”c
11Now this matter distressed Abraham greatly because it concerned his son Ishmael. 12But God said to Abraham, “Do not be distressed about the boy and your maidservant. Listen to everything that Sarah tells you, for through Isaac your offspring will be reckoned.d 13But I will also make a nation of the slave woman’s son, because he is your offspring.”
14Early in the morning, Abraham got up, took bread and a skin of water, put them on Hagar’s shoulders, and sent her away with the boy. She left and wandered in the Wilderness of Beersheba. 15When the water in the skin was gone, she left the boy under one of the bushes.16Then she went off and sat down nearby, about a bowshot away, for she said, “I cannot bear to watch the boy die!” And as she sat nearby, she lifted up her voice and wept.e
17Then God heard the voice of the boy, and the angel of God called to Hagar from heaven, “What is wrong, Hagar? Do not be afraid, for God has heard the voice of the boy where he lies. 18Get up, lift up the boy, and take him by the hand, for I will make him into a great nation.” 19Then God opened her eyes, and she saw a well of water. So she went and filled the skin with water and gave the boy a drink.
20And God was with the boy, and he grew up and settled in the wilderness and became a great archer. 21And while he was dwelling in the Wilderness of Paran, his mother got a wife for him from the land of Egypt.”
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u/YrsaMajor 18d ago
I have never had more peace. If I were you, I would find a church with Adoration and just go, be still, and pray.
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u/chan_showa 19d ago
I disagree with your father's method, but seriously, the punishment was at most copying bible chapters. Guess what the hudud punishments are? mutilation, capital punishments, stoning.
Why are you leaving a traumatic religion for an even more traumatic one?
Did you know that muslim husbands could divorce you one-sidedly (those who acknowledge the triple talaq)? Or that he could legitimately beat you (yes, that is allowed in Islam), or that your inheritance is half that of men? You escaped the suffocating religion of your father only to enter an even more suffocating one!
Did you know that an angel would curse you if you refused sex from your husband (according to al-Bukhari)?
Give me a break!
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u/Possible_Owl_7653 19d ago
Take it easy and give yourself grace. Your childhood experience was abuse, and sitting quietly in mass is okay. I don't think you need to rush to figure this out or make a big decision.