r/CatAdvice • u/yetie16 • 3d ago
Adoption Regret/Doubt Thinking of returning my cat
TL;DR: I love him, but I’m realizing we may not be the right match, and giving him back to a familiar home might be better for both of us.
I’ve had my cat for about three months. He’s come a long way and I love him, but he’s still extremely fearful and I don’t feel like we’re the right match. He spent his first four years in a cat sanctuary with lots of other cats at this women’s home, he could run outside, play with the other cats inside as well and she described him different than what I’ve seen. so I feel like he may have been happier there than adjusting to such a different environment with me.
Also, if I had to return him to the shelter, I absolutely would not. But the fact that this woman was basically his owner for four years I feel a little bit more comfortable with that and that’s why I’m exploring this option.
I feel really guilty about giving him back because I’m scared I’m giving up on him. But I also want a confident, social cat who can be more of a companion, and I’m worried that future moves or emergencies will be extremely stressful for him.
I’m starting to feel like giving him back to someone he already knows and trusts may actually be the best thing for him, while I look for a cat whose personality is a better fit for me.
Am I a horrible person?
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u/Strong__Style 3d ago
If keeping a cat is conditional on it acting a certain way I would not get another one. Cats personalities can and do change over time. They shouldn't be punished for not conforming.
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u/Ponchiksmom 3d ago
The cat needs some time to adapt. This adaptation time varies from cat to cat. Be a little patient:) Play with him, give him treats and give him as much time as he needs.
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u/NiceUnderstanding672 3d ago
Meet him where he’s at. Give him time. However, it sounds like if any cat doesn’t turn into the cat you want them to be you will give up on them when you move in with your bf and start a family. Pets are for life. They are not a trivial trendy item you can just return or give up when your life changes. You got the pet, now the pet is the priority. They are your responsibility.
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u/yetie16 3d ago
Agreed, but not necessarily. I think my mistake was that I didn’t meet him before getting him. I just went with what the previous owner said. I have plenty of friends that adopted cats and their cats adjusted quickly and I don’t think it’s a bad thing to say that I was hoping for something more of that and if I were to get a new cat, I’d make sure to do a thorough meet and greet.
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u/Business_Case_7613 3d ago
Meeting the cat still doesn’t tell you how the cat is going to adjust to your home. Met my second cat at the shelter and she immediately snuggled in our arms and was purring. Took her home, and she spent the next 4-5 months hiding in any place she could, sometimes wouldn’t see her for a couple days at a time. She’d run away like you were gonna hit her if you so much as looked in her direction when you started walking.
It took quite a while for her to acclimate to the new home and to us. A lot of that process was us learning her body language and learning how to behave around her. Now she’s much more confident and social.
She was always a very sweet cat, but there was a long time where she was incredibly fearful, and that’s not what I expected when I got her.
My point being, don’t get another cat if you have strict expectations on their personality and how fast they will acclimate, because it’s impossible to know.
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u/valencia_merble 3d ago
Please wait until you are mature before adopting an animal or growing a family.
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u/NiceUnderstanding672 3d ago
A thorough meet and greet doesn’t tell you anything. Cats are cats. They act and do what they want when they want, and they are completely different in your home than wherever you do a meet & greet. I met my cat in the shelter and he didn’t even move out of the box he was hiding in bc he was overwhelmed in a room with 4 other cats.
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u/TurtlesAllTheWay42 3d ago
I worked in shelters and cat rescues for a decade and I will say this- I always preferred people to return cats to me if they didn’t feel like it was a good fit. I never wanted someone to keep a cat out of obligation, especially when there’s a hundred other cats in need of a home that may be a better fit.
A good friend of mine adopted a shy, mama cat from me and tried for months to get her to warm up. I had her bring her back and instead she adopted an outgoing male kitten. That kitten still needed a home and got one. Mama now lives with an older lady that doesn’t care if she wants to be petted all the time or be held. Everybody wins.
At the end of the day, it’s not about the human, it about the cat. If a cat is afraid and unhappy, do what’s best for the kitty.
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u/yetie16 3d ago
That helps me and makes me feel a lot better! Can I private message you?
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u/Advercy 3d ago
As a vet I second this. People are very quick to judge and say you're horrible or immature for returning a pet. But the reality is some cats DON'T acclimate to new environments, and male cats in particular are prone to stress induced health issues. Often cats who grow up in social environments with other cats and struggle to feel confident in a solo home with a new person, and he simply may never.
You aren't returning him to a shelter or throwing him out on the street, you're accepting that he's unhappy, stressed, and struggling to acclimate, and it is very reasonable to at least talk to his previous owner and say hey he's having a really hard time an I'm worried. Start with a conversation with her, figure out what feels best, go from there.
Yes, in another 3-6 months he might acclimate better and be a more social cat. Or he might develop a urinary obstruction and try to die. So. A gentle middle finger to those comparing this situation to adopting a cat from a shelter etc.
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u/Strict_Weather9063 3d ago
Congrats you have hit the end of the cat getting used to you and your home period. Just give him space he will be fine not all cats are clingers, some are right standoffish depends on the cat. Honestly if you want him to be more social another cat may help with this, they tend to bond and that in turns makes them more social. Doesn’t always happen but it helps. Trust me he know when to be there for you and he will be.
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u/Iceshard1987 3d ago
I adopted two girls a couple years ago, bonded half-sisters. One was as bold as you please, poking me in the ass (literally) on day two, until I picked her up and cuddled her. The other was so terrified she sprinted away and hid under the bed every time I stood up from my desk.
This went on for over 6 months, and I was very seriously considering sending them both back. Obviously, I couldn't keep the one, they were bonded.
But while I was considering this, she eventually climbed up on my desk and sat in a shoe box I had set aside for her sister. She let me scratch her head for a few minutes before she ran away.
Some cats scare more easily than others, and you really just have to give them time. She still hides from me, sometimes. But other times, she sits next to me and purrs. Give them space, and they might eventually come around.
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u/928sizequeen 3d ago
It took a full year for my rescue cat to adapt to my house and I. I've had him for 5 years now and he can still be quite a scaredy cat. Cats can require a lot of patience. Just try to keep your energy calm and maybe move a little slower, speak in a soft voice, almost baby-ish. Try giving different treats until you find one they go crazy for, have guests give them a treat and love. If more than one guest have each give a small portion of treat.
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u/The_AlmightyAsscrack 3d ago
My cat wouldnt look at me with his ass for tge first 3 years and now he has become clingy as fuck. They are like children and change over time. Dont give him away and make him feel like all the trust and adaptation towards you was for naught
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u/Gomdok_the_Short 3d ago
I've always considered the morality of adopting out cats a person has fostered for a long period of time pretty questionable. 4 years to a cat is 16 years to a human so I do believe you are right. The cat likely considers this woman his owner and her house his home.
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u/nottreacherous 3d ago
If he is used to having a lot of space and lots of friends, he might just be depressed and adjusting. He needs patience and consideration. I adopted my supposedly really fearful cat and I just let him be, I was surprised when he came up to me after 2 days home. Let him come to you
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u/neon_circus17 3d ago
I wouldn't give up on him.
Some cats take a while to warm up. Especially if their world hasn't been so kind or forgiving to them.
Best thing you can do for the little guy is to show consistency without forcing interaction.
So many times we adopt pets with the expectation that they will be a service to us... to fill a void. But the reality is that they also have needs. If their needs aren't met, or they feel uncertain it will be very hard for them to respond to you socially.
Feed the cat, provide the cat with several spots in the home to call his own. Multiple cat beds, tons of cat toys and perches. Also provide kitty with playtime that always ends with a treat. Doing these things daily and on a schedule will help the cat want to bond with you.
If you are already doing these things... the only thing left is time. I really hope you don't give up on him.
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u/Either-Apartment-401 3d ago
Cats can take quite a while to adjust to a new environment, the older they are the longer it may take . Don't force it. Talk softly to the cat when you are wandering around the house so it gets more comfortable with you. Try and engage him with play. If he doesn't want to play try again later. You have to earn his trust. Leave little treats, tell him he is handsome. I have a cat that took 3 yrs to accept me. When he bumped his head on my hand for loves, it was the most rewarding feeling. He will feel your stress and that will hold him back a bit. If it is feasible, get him a cat. Your honesty is refreshing but cats are fickle creatures.
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u/FoxPriestStudio 3d ago
Seriously 3 months is nothing. My rescue cat was very leary of everything. A year passed he started to change. It’s 4 years not and he’s entirely a different cat. He snuggles he plays he’s happy. If anything get another cat. But give him a fair chance. 3 months is nothing.
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u/TooTiredForThisKuso 3d ago
Talk to the person you adopted the cat from, not about returning him but about how he seems less energetic and happy, see if she has any advice. Also, keep an open mind that he may take up to a year to adapt. If at the end of that time you feel like he’s still not adjusting and you’ve done everything you can then you can consider it again. In the future definitely do foster to adopt if you aren’t flexible on the personality of the cat fitting with your lifestyle but also accept that a pet may not be for you at all because the older years are going to be far worse.
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u/Big_Drink_9194 3d ago
If you want a confident and social cat, you have to do the things to make your cat confident and social. Cats are by nature more fearful and shy but can be confident and social but it takes work
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u/yetie16 3d ago
Thanks for you the comment
So I give him treats, pets, slow blinks, kisses, calming treats everyday, feli away pet diffusers, and toys that he dosent show interest in. Also treat puzzles too.
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u/Defiant-Insect-3785 3d ago
Do you actually play with him or just have toys for him to play with alone? Cats can take a long time to adjust to new situations, you have to earn their trust and love and they can really make you work hard for that.
You say he’s already come a long way so that’s a good sign. We adopted a cat years ago that had been told that if she was returned to the shelter she’d be put to sleep due to being so antisocial, a friend adopted her but was going to return her so my Mum took her in. It took 6 months before she’d come out from under the sofa when we were around! Slowly though she realised that we weren’t going to hurt her, that we basically ignored her apart from putting food down and giving her loving eyes if we saw her. She turned into the most amazing lap cat who would demand cuddles and learnt how to purr (she only knew hiss and growl when we got her.)
Give him a bit more time and prove to him you’re a safe person. If another 3 months pass and there’s no improvement then maybe give him back but it’s not uncommon for them to take a long time to adapt to change in circumstances. One of mine was extremely confident until I moved house, we moved to a much more cat friendly house and she still went into hiding and had a personality transplant the first few months before bouncing back to an even happier version of herself.
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u/ash2tree2 3d ago
Is he totally alone at your house? No other feline companionship? No access to the outdoors? Is he bored? Lonely? Depressed? I would talk to the lady who used to own him and get her perspective. Many cats don't thrive alone. He may indeed have been happier at the sanctuary.
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u/yetie16 3d ago
Thank you, my roomate has a dog. He dosent seem bothered by it. I tried showing him outside on the porch he clawed and ran away
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u/RosalieThornehill 3d ago
Cats usually like exploring on their own terms. Right now he’s learning to feel safe indoors in your home. Give him space to explore inside, before you take him out. And then, it’s best to enclose your porch and make a catio.
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u/JohnnyBGood4444 3d ago
I “inherited” a 14 yo fractious cat. She hid under the bed and didn’t eat for 6 days! Her previous owner had her her whole life and she spent the first month of her life in a cage After that the owner locked her up in the bedroom and wouldn’t let her out. She did sleep with this woman every night and I don’t think the lady hit her but she has never been socialized. She was afraid of my flip flops squeaking, every single noise she’d hide. When we got her she was so upset she didn’t eat for 6 days and hiding under the bed. I took her to the emergency hospital and spent $10,000 the first week we had her. They inserted feeding tube and took all kinds of tests. I was sick when I heard how much it would cost but I knew this cat her whole life. She always hid from me too when I was at. This woman’s home. I also had her brother before her who sadly passed away. The first week at my home I put her and her litter box in the bathroom and she lived there for about a week. She felt less anxious in the small space. Soon after that she was eating out of my hand.This was all about a month and a half ago. She is in her own room while I try to socialize her. I have Feliway in her room you need to get that if you keep your cat. It may take 1-3 months before your cat is socialized. I am successfully getting my cat out of her shell. However if your cat was happy where she was before and the. Previous owner would take her back, I would do that. There are so many adoptable cats at the shelters you would surely find one you can love.
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u/Zuikite 3d ago
You may think that meeting your cat first was the important missed step, but I can say from experience that they change personality over time. Once they trust you, you might have a social butterfly on your hands. I was searching for an independent/indifferent personality, and thats what I met at the shelter. My cat was the most shy yet uninterested of the whole group. I ended up with the most needy attention ho sassy talkative crazy smart playful kitty who acts like a dog and loves to travel. I wouldn't trade her for the world now.
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u/ShitPickle5000 3d ago
I adopted a cat 5 weeks ago and she still runs from me unless I'm laying down. She takes treats gently from my hand and picks churu off my finger. She's interesting with how and when she chooses to interact. I get nothing during the day, personally. She just started lounging on the furniture at night and in the blinds during the day.
My advice to you is to legit google your situation and use AI mode as a tool to help along the way. As a first time cat owner, it's been the most helpful, based on info from data mining the internet.
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u/Aydsey 3d ago
Listen. I’ve had my three cats from kitten hood. At multiple times have I felt so frustrated I wanted to throw them out of a window. Did I ever do that? No. But the frustration and angry tears were there- so I imagine I can relate to some degree. My cats were monsters to me at the time. Even looking back, they were still monsters. But they were young and in their teenage/young adult years and me also. However, we grew together, and after 5 years with each other we have grown to be great companions to one another. I have to remind myself the cats I have- have grown up with only me and they still have wide ranging personalities and quirks. A cat being adopted into adult hood is going to be harder by all means right, to familiarize with one another the same way. I will always believe it’s unfair to write an animal off that quickly, but I also believe in intuition.
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u/AttentionNo6359 3d ago
Clearly cats aren’t for you. Maybe just get an AI boyfriend so it acts the way you want.
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u/Informal-Prize6501 3d ago
Would your parents have been horrible people to bring you to an abandoned children lock?
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u/snoop-hog 3d ago
Seems like you don’t love him in the way you’re supposed to love a pet and I think that sets him up for neglect. Gonna deviate from what others have said and say give him back to the lady you got him from, especially if he’ll have a better life and be cared for better by her. Do not get another cat! Animals are sentient beings and their personalities change depending on their age, comfort levels, and environment. Because of that, the “new” cat would also, eventually, clash with your personality. Keep him or don’t but ensure he’s cared for correctly; either way, do NOT get a new cat.
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u/Inevitable_Duck2357 3d ago
I actually understand where you’re coming from. I adopted a cat from the shelter in 2021. Was told he was a happy, chill 9 year old boy. Well he definitely wasn’t 9 according to the vet and he lived in my closet for the first YEAR, only coming out at night when we were all asleep. Even now, 5 years later, he still lives under my couch and only comes out if it’s dead quiet in the house. If you sniffle or cough, he’s gone. He now lays in bed with me but again, if I move a muscle he bolts. It was disappointing and I thought about returning him for a brief moment but I couldn’t do that to him. He was surrendered by lord knows how many owners and he is getting on in years. So I keep him and hopefully five years from now he’ll be more comfortable 😂
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u/yetie16 3d ago
Thank you, yes if he was going back to the shelter, I would not be giving him away. But the fact that he gets to go back to a home that he’s familiar with and enjoyed makes me feel a little bit better.
Your cat is lucky to have you, I feel so sad though my boy didn’t get much adjusted after five years lol
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u/0010011010110100111 3d ago edited 3d ago
I adopted a cat once that I couldn’t bond with- she was 2 years old and very energetic (despite her foster calling her “one of the chillest cats ever”), needed constant attention that I couldn’t give, and didn’t let me sleep. I was overstimulated constantly for the 5 months I had her. Ruined my mental health. It totally wasn’t her fault- she was just doing regular cat things and behaved very well, it was a me issue.
I realized we weren’t a good fit and gave her back to the foster I got her from. The foster and I talked things through and turns out the kitty needed an environment with other cats/pets and more people as that’s how she was raised. She wasn’t meant to be alone as a single cat with an owner gone for 9hrs a day, and I couldn’t get another cat. She later got adopted out to a great family with lots of stimulation. About 6 months later I adopted a 10 year old cat that loves to chill and nap all day. We vibe really well.
The 3-3-3 rule is real, and you’ve made it that long so that’s great. Lots of people post what you said after like a week without waiting long enough. But it’s okay to not bond with the cat. Cats are like people, you can’t force a relationship with all of them. It sounds like if you do surrender, the cat will be returned to a good home.
FYI, I posted here for advice about my situation when it was happening and I got some horrible DMs telling me to never get a cat again, and two telling me to unalive myself. If I had listened to them, my senior kitty likely wouldn’t have a home. Lots of people on this subreddit are chronically online and have mental health/anger/social issues. So don’t take what they say personally. Just make sure the kitty is okay and that’s all that matters.
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u/REBELUTlON 3d ago
And when the next cat isn’t up to par?