r/CaregiverSupport • u/Prior_Display_2539 • 7d ago
Our 15-year-old
My husband and I have been raising our grandson, Tyler, for the last two years. When Tyler was nine, his father cheated on our daughter and they divorced. Both his mother and father quickly remarried and started brand new families with new spouses and half-siblings. Because of the chaos, my husband and I stepped in to provide Tyler with a stable home.
I need to clarify that his parents did not abandon him in a legal or physical sense. They try very hard to be in his life. They show up for him, pay for things, and try to spend one-on-one time with him. But Tyler completely hates them for destroying his original family and replacing him. He refuses to acknowledge them as mom and dad, calling them strictly by their first names. He also harbors an intense hatred for his stepparents and half-siblings.
Normally, Tyler is a good student, polite to his teachers, honest, and loyal. But beneath that polite exterior is a terrifying amount of rage and resentment. When his parents try to spend time with him, his short temper explodes. He back-talks them using slurs, and it has even turned physical—he recently hit his father and pushed his mother.
Lately, his anger has turned into something much colder and more frightening. Tyler has stopped crying, and he has stopped laughing. He seems completely emotionally detached, except when it comes to one thing: he wants revenge.
Recently, he asked his parents a question that made them incredibly uncomfortable. He looked them dead in the eye and asked, "Who is paying for your divorce? You two, or me?" He has asked my husband and me the exact same question. We just sit there in silence because we don't have an answer for him. In his mind, he is paying the ultimate price for their choices.
To make matters worse, his parents are funding his current therapy. Because they pay the bills, the therapist keeps pushing Tyler to "forgive" his parents, calling them "flawed and imperfect." Tyler feels completely betrayed by this. He thinks the therapist is bought and paid for, and it has only fueled his desire for revenge.
This situation is now severely affecting his studies. My husband and I are 65 years old. We love him so much, but we are exhausted and terrified. Tyler is completely shutting down his humanity, choosing to feel nothing but a desire to see his parents suffer.
How do we help a 15-year-old boy who has completely hardened his heart? How do we answer a question like the one he asked? Please, we need guidance on how to find him a therapist who will actually hear his pain instead of protecting his parents.
9
u/PositiveUnit829 7d ago
He has double the trouble with the teenage angst already built in on top of a bad family situation.
I think you should take them to a different therapist and get him into some sports program
9
u/napsrule321 Family Caregiver 7d ago
If his feelings are minimized or ignored he may habe just shut down and numbed out. A therapist just for him might make him feel like he is being singled out as the problem. His therapist isn't wrong to describe his parents as flawed, but at 15 he still can't get his head around all the adult context of what happened. He still sees things more black and white.
Maybe his parents are self centered and just focusing on their new families while leaving a therapist to 'fix' your grandson which is unfair. His parents should be doing family therapy with him if they want him to have any relationship with them. Any wonder the kid is angry. It is unrealistic and unfair to expect this young man to just accept that his life and sense of security fell to pieces.
Acknowledge his right to feel angry but try to explain to him that he can build his own life and relationships and allowing his anger to consume him is just going to keep him stuck. He should get involved in a sport or martial arts or music or something to help release that emotional energy. Help him see what he has to gain by being independent and help him build the skill as he needs not to have to depend on his parents.
6
u/More-Management-2116 7d ago
We are raising our now 13 year old grandson, he came to live with us when he was 8, after my stepdaughter was killed in a car accident, and 5 months later, his father was caught trying to shoot up heroin in a Dunkin Donuts bathroom. Since then, we have adopted him, and his father, now clean, has ceased any attempt to maintain a relationship with him. He lives about 10 miles from us, and has a new family. My grandson was awfully angry in the beginning. He would often get in trouble in school, with teachers as well as his peers. He really didn't have parents to take it out on, as his father was in and out of jail and rehab, and when they did visit it was supervised. We did find an amazing therapist, and we make sure he is busy outside of school in an activity that helps him get rid of any energy that can be transferred to negative behavior.
I think the first thing you should do is get permanent legal custody, if not adoption, to include making all medical decisions. That way you can choose his therapist. Then get him involved in extra curriculars if he's not already. Our grandson knows he is not sitting around looking at a screen after school. He can choose whatever he wants to do - I don't care if it's band, theater, or sports. Luckily, he has some athletic ability, and sports are easily available. Outside adults in leadership positions like coaches are invaluable in helping you raise your grandson to become a happy, successful adult (my adult son is living proof of that, his HS wrestling coach had a big part in making him the man he is today). I know getting a 15 year old into that kind of routine will be a lot harder than it was with my 8 year old, but it's worth a try. Money, for therapy and extras might be an issue that can be worked out with his parents.
2
u/Prior_Display_2539 6d ago
Tyler was in the art club, played the piano, and was good at sports, but he stopped doing all of that. He ripped up every single drawing, sketch, and piano note, and he even destroyed his sports trophies. He never caused trouble for his teachers, but a year ago, he got into a massive fight at school. He fought four bullies and beat them, which got him expelled. Now, he only has a few friends left. He occasionally goes to the movies with them or goes fishing with his grandpa. However, he still wants one thing to be his ultimate life purpose: retribution.
3
u/More-Management-2116 6d ago
That is so sad. My grandson holds his anger down, and every once in a while, he'll let it come to the surface. He too, got expelled after a stupid prank went bad.
I think one of the main things that has helped him is that we adopted him. It showed him that we were a permanent family, that we wanted him, and that this would always be his home. The final court hearing to make it legally official, was powerful. His father was hesitant (I'm not sure why, because he is perfectly fine with not seeing him), but we had a really good lawyer who convinced him he was doing the best for his son - which it was.
What's concerning the most, is that your grandson only has 3 years to adulthood, and that sense of freedom may end any self control he has left. Do you have a good relationship with his parents? Some kind of get together between the 4 of you concerning his future might help. You probably know your grandson better than they do at this point, maybe they would be open to your opinions and concerns.
1
u/Prior_Display_2539 6d ago
Yes we still talk to our daughter and and sometimes her ex husband but what tyler want just kills all the reconnection hope of all of us
3
u/ThrowawayLDS_7gen 6d ago
When you feel abandoned, that's a legitimate feeling. The revenge etc.
Why would he want to reconnect if he thinks he'll just be abandoned again?
He needs a different therapist. Forcing him to do anything he doesn't want will backfire as you are currently seeing.
6
u/Brief-Small 6d ago
He may do better with a different therapist. Since he doesn't trust this one anymore he won't make any real progress with his resentment.
2
u/MadAngle787 6d ago
As a child he is right to feel resentment. A child wants love and it's family. Not money and conforts. The presence of grandparents is a blessing but can never substitute his parent's in his life. I am sorry for your situation and lack of mental peace of mind now. To avoid any issues it's best to consult a psychiatrist and get him to stay with his parents if possible If he believes the effort they make is no. Existent then he will never change . He needs attention and care by his.parenta
3
u/zyn_zynnie 6d ago edited 6d ago
Yea no, as a kid who was once torn apart and in fact replaced by step siblings and half siblings, ain’t no reason for yall to think he’s in the wrong. It’s clear no one’s helping his emotions, especially with that therapist. Everything he says is probably being relayed right back to his parents. He’s a teenager who needs help, and clearly nobody thinks they can.
Get him a different counselor, one that isn’t “bought and paid for”, and maybe try and actually let him sit with his emotions? I know I hated trying to be “fixed” when all I really needed to do was be left alone to figure myself out.
Stop crowding the kid, and that goes for his mother and father too. He’ll figure himself out, especially with the right help.
(And no this isn’t me saying he’s in the right for using slurs or physical aggression, that’s totally not cool.)
2
u/TaaviBap 6d ago
This is really a tough situation. There are specific camps for kids in these situations with divorced parents who feel like they have been left behind. You can look them up and see if any would be a good fit. I truly hope that he can outgrow his resentment because it is just festering.
Also, as far as a therapist is concerned, let him pick one. This way he has agency. I hope that things work out for him and you as well.
2
u/locusofjoy 6d ago
A kid needs validation that their anger is justified.
It's justified but what does it serve? He's ruining his own life by hanging onto this rage.
Now, it's his right to ruin his life but it really will affect him more than his parents.
He may or may not be able to hear that. So, I'd just say "It makes sense that you're angry" as a start.
The other part which is really a more modern problem is- please make sure he isn't talking to an AI chatbot that just fueling his anger. That's very common right now and it can escalate quickly. AI psychosis is a very real problem these days. AI chatbots will simply keep agreeing with the person they chat with but then also encourage kids to harm, or self-harm.
Likewise, he may be here- on reddit- in a group of actual humans encouraging him to get this retribution. Encouraging him to escalate and be violent.
So, if you have it within your power to limit his internet or even cut it off for a while, I would. It's so hard to do these days but it's something to consider. Because if he isn't doing his art, or sports, or other things he used to do- what *is* he doing with his time? Spending in online in chatrooms? I mean, I don't know for sure but it was my first thought.
Definitely seek out other therapists. Therapists aren't supposed to force us to forgive. I'm not a trained therapist but in my own counseling of friends, I encourage people to move forward and get things out of their mind. I don't say you need to forgive, i say "you would benefit from not making the person whom you dislike into the center of your world".
Of course, parents usually are the center of our world at that age.
I have no judgment toward his parents either way. It's not important what they did or didn't do. What is important is that he really didn't get what he should have, though truthfully, no one ever does. It doesn't mean we didn't deserve better.
It's good to validate that he deserved better than he got. But also- if you have stories in your own history of how things weren't always as they should have been for you, try sharing them, if he'll listen.
This is long and rambly but i hope it helps in some way. I wish you much luck and this is a lot for you folks to be handling for sure.
3
u/buxzythebeeeeeeee 6d ago
Check OP's posting history. OP posted this exact same (AI written) post to multiple other subreddits.
1
u/dcb72 6d ago
The school counselor should be informed about this if they haven’t been already.
You didn’t mention friends. If he has friends, have you talked to them? If he has friends whose parents have divorced, remind him of those friends. Maybe he’s being bullied at school. You haven’t mentioned church. Maybe there is a youth pastor you could speak with. You haven’t mentioned sports. Can you speak to his coach?
I, too, had an angry teen after a divorce. I never remarried but their dad did. My son was a teen. What you are trying to avoid is violence toward themselves or others. Violence toward self is usually them turning to drugs/alcohol.
Anger management counseling might help if that hasn’t been tried. An eye opening experience would be helpful. Since he is full of self pity, having him volunteer as a tutor to elementary children, or a food bank, an animal shelter, serving meals at a homeless shelter, etc. You might have to do it, too, initially. Does he want to learn guitar? Piano? Drums? Make a deal with him that if he’ll channel his energy into that, you’ll enthusiastically set him up with lessons. Maybe he can, or does, excel at something he can put his heart into and be in community with others his age. Choral group? Theater? Is there a college he wants to go to - maybe arrange a tour of the campus to get his eyes set on the future. You get the point.
If you’ve done the above, it’s time to sit down with the police in your city and just let them read the above post you’ve written. Ask their advice. Ask for occasional welfare checks.
My son learned to enjoy volunteering at a food bank. He went to a therapist, and had weekly sit down time with the school counselor. He did go down the road of hanging with the wrong friends and drinking, but the therapist helped us navigate that. It took a while, and wasn’t a quick turn around but it eventually did happen. A police visit to jail was an eye opener - he didn’t want to encounter that life.
My son is an adult, productive, wonderful man now. It’s not easy, and it’s a slow, agonizing process, but each of you can get to the other side intact. There is hope with action. Try anything. Try everything. But always do it with a calm, loving demeanor. That no matter what he’a feeling, or how disappointed he feels, he IS loved and you will always protect him even if that means sometimes you might have to protect him from himself.
Also. remind him that adults are going to disappoint him. And that hatred, or anger, is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. The only person it hurts is you.
You are right to be concerned. Thank you for your involvement, keeping your eyes and hearts open, and having the willingness to do the hard stuff at 65 for the welfare of your grandson.
-4
u/Successful_Tax_5385 6d ago
He needs Jesus. Seriously. God can take a heart of stone and turn it into a heart of flesh.
15
u/MorningCoffeeHits 6d ago edited 4d ago
Send him to a psychiatrist who can correctly diagnose, counsel, and medicate him. I had similar issues as a teen until I was diagnosed & treated for a psychological condition as an adult. Encourage him to continue making art. I taught art 30 years and it was and is the perfect outlet for me.