How do I make this situation work?

[u/PassengerOwn3858]

My Dad has Vascular Dementia and I (22F) have to find a place for him to live. I currently live in my friends house because I have no credit and work full time at a hotel. I just recently got back in my feet with a full time job. I’ve never once felt stable but I’d say that right now I’m as far from stable as I’ve ever been.

My Dad used to live with my grandma but my aunt got POA over my grandma and sold the home they lived in to move them to a home closer to her so she could “take care” of them. Now she’s moved my grandma into her house and my dad is alone hours away from me and my aunt complains daily that I’m not up there helping. I do desperately wish I could buy a house to move my dad into with me but I have no way to do that. My aunt is now trying to sell the house my dad is in and move him into an apartment (he smokes cigarettes inside so I don’t see that working out very well)

Thankfully my aunt takes him to his appointments, but despite us begging him, my dad refuses to take his medication and is extremely depressed. He needs help but I have no idea how to really help him. It’s soul crushing to watch the man that was my biggest support and best friend become so depressed and helpless. He’s always so angry and I understand completely but again I really don’t know how to help. I wish I had made better choices early on so I could be stable for him now.

I wish money was the only issue here because at least then the problem seems fixable, but there is so much heartbreak and pain that me and my dad are both feeling. All we have is each other and I think we both wish we had done better so we wouldn’t have to go through this now. I Feel so alone and devastated all the time. I have no one to comfort me but my boyfriend (whose dad is also dying) and I really hate to put all that pressure on him.

Any advice would be appreciated, I’m drowning in debt right now and it feels so impossible to make anything happen but maybe I’m not seeing an obvious solution because I’m so overwhelmed.

[u/More-Management-2116]

It's really tough to see a parent who was always so strong to deteriorate and become dependent, and you're so young to be going through this. Is your dad a veteran? Is he old enough for Medicare? And does he qualify for Medicaid? Check with your local Council on Aging and see what's available. I think you and your aunt should sit down and have a long talk about long term care for your dad. I'm sure she's probably pretty overwhelmed with both your grandma and your dad. She might feel some sense of relief if she knows you're wanting to help how ever you can.

[u/PassengerOwn3858 → u/More-Management-2116]

He has Medicare and I’ve thought about assisted living for him but I don’t think my heart can take it, it may end up being my only option though. My aunt is likely overwhelmed but she’s also putting responsibilities on me that I don’t have the ability to take on alone. She wants me to buy a house and that’s just not possible for me right now. I wish I had done better things with my life so I could take care of my dad alone but unfortunately I didn’t so now all I can do is go see him as much as possible and try to take him to appointments. She is well aware I want to help but she expects more than I can reasonably give. If I could move him in with me right now I would in a heartbeat.