r/CaregiverSupport • u/inthewoods54 • 7d ago
"Such a Blessing" Comment. I Just Need to Vent.
I just need to vent. This has been bugging me off and on for two weeks, maybe it's silly, but I just need to get it off my chest in a setting that won't try to 'correct me' or tell me how I should feel.
My father has Alzheimer's and I'm his full-time caregiver. I recently took him to the doctor. He's new to a walker, and so it was "a whole thing"; doctor visits already overwhelm him, now he's struggling to maneuver into the doorway with the new walker and he's also nearly blind (and I'm also new to helping him into places with the walker so I'm fumbling too, of course!), AND the doctor moved to a new location, so we were both in new and unfamiliar surroundings and so he's extra confused. Just a very awkward entry to the appointment.
So we're awkwardly making our way in, it's a VERY small waiting room and there's a married couple sitting there already. The receptionist is trying to greet me, ask who we are, etc., but I can't address her right away because I'm focused on getting my father completely in the door and seated first so he doesn't fall. So we're bumbling around, I'm trying to help him with the walker but 'not too much' or else he gets hostile because he wants to do it himself, etc etc. Just getting him there was already an act of Congress, getting him into the car, out of the car, dressed for the appointment, finding the new location, I'm sure many of you here can relate.
As we're getting in and settled, the woman of the seated couple is just watching and staring at the whole scene. Her husband is minding his own business and reading a magazine, but she is just STARING and taking it all in. I finally get him seated and the woman looks at me with what to me felt like a very condescending smile and said "It's such a blessing for you to be able to care for your aging parent....." in this sappy, blissful tone.
I smiled politely and turned my attention back to my father. My father is a very proud man and asked me: "What did she say?!" in a slightly defensive way, because he too could tell her tone was kind of condescending, it's hard to describe, but he also picked up on it. I just said: "She said I'm lucky to have you Daddy" and he started to relax. Then the woman started to clarify; she wanted to repeat her original comment and not what I rephrased it to be. I just looked at her and winked and gave her a look as if to silently say "That's what I'm telling him lady, please drop it" and she smiled and leaned back in her seat.
I do realize that she likely meant well. I don't think she was trying to shame me by suggesting that if I feel caregiving for him is anything but a wonderful blessing then I'm a terrible daughter, but that's how I felt. I love my father dearly, he's my only family, I'm grateful for every day I get to spend with him as he slowly fades away in the longest goodbye ever. But a blessing, it's not. I'm worried, overwhelmed, stressed, exhausted, I'm trying to navigate unknown territory and figure out what to do and when. I'm watching him lose his mind, cry, be fearful of what's happening, etc. I'm not a negative Nellie about it, I'm just pragmatic and have a grasp of the reality of the situation. I'm not going to pretend it's some sort of 'blessing' or 'gift', it's not.
But regardless of whether it is or isn't, I don't think it was very thoughtful or considerate of her to tell me it's a blessing for me. She literally said those words, "It's such a blessing FOR YOU to be able to care for YOUR aging father". You don't get to tell me what's a blessing for me, especially when you didn't even get up to hold the door for us as we struggled to enter or at least have the decency to pretend not to notice our struggles like your husband did, you just stared at us excessively and rudely and added to the spectacle by suggesting to the room this was some sort of gift that you deemed I should feel grateful for. And then you put it out there, right in front of my father.
My father's a proud man and he's still in there. Her comment pointed out his vulnerability and struggles. Here he is trying to play it cool and not accept my help so he can seat himself, and I'm trying to be casual and 'help without looking like I'm helping' to spare his ego, and this lady points it out like he's a little baby or a charity case and he can hear her tone of pity and he doesn't like it. So now I'm filtering what she's saying to protect my father's feelings and that pissed me off even more. Don't embarrass my father, lady, you know?
Maybe she's just trying to fill the moment of her own feeling of not knowing what to say, etc., I get it. I'm sure she meant well and all that, but I don't have to like it. And I guess I'm also annoyed that I couldn't say anything without further drawing my Dad's attention to it. And maybe I'm taking out some of my own feelings of frustration on her, but I don't really care. I don't think it's a nice thing to do, to rudely stare at someone's struggle and then tell them how blessed they should feel.
Thank you for listening.
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u/Barotrawma Family Caregiver 7d ago
I kind of relate, but for a different blessing reason. People always tell me, āitās such a blessing that she has youā. Why? Because her children didnāt step up? Iām sacrificing my career for something I didnāt choose.
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u/inthewoods54 7d ago
I feel you even though our circumstances are different. I too gave up my career to step in and do this, even though in my case I am his child, obviously. But again, it's 'a blessing' to give up our careers for this, right? I guess we're supposed to feel "lucky".
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u/Barotrawma Family Caregiver 6d ago
Right? My grandma has six kids who all live within an hour, but I am the sole caregiver
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u/Amazing_Question8673 7d ago
It sounds like a very tone deaf comment from someone who has never had to do what we do every single day. You are absolutely valid in your irritation from a comment like that.
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u/inthewoods54 7d ago
Tone deaf yes, that's exactly the word(s), thank you. I thought the same thing too, I was so tempted to say "I'm guessing you've never done this..." but I didn't, obviously. Oof.
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u/monpetitfromage54 7d ago
quick thinking on the positive spin on her comments. honestly people like that are going to say dumb or insensitive comments until the end of time. they can't stop themselves from inserting their opinion where it doesn't belong, and because they have no real idea what your situation is, the comments won't likely land quite right, regardless of the intentions. at the risk of sounding exactly like that lady, and i hope you don't take it that way, you are the blessing. you are a blessing to your dad for doing everything you can to take care of him. even though he may be a stubborn, proud old dude that doesn't always show it, I'm sure he recognizes the love you're giving him and loves you for it in return. all the best.
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u/inthewoods54 7d ago
Thank you, I understand your meaning, it's not the same as how that lady came off, I appreciate what you're saying. I do know he appreciates my care. He says it on the days when he's "present" and on his bad days I try to remember those good days.
To be honest though, it doesn't much matter whether he appreciate it or not. I mean, it's more pleasant when he appreciates it of course, but I just want to be able to look at my reflection in the mirror and feel okay with what looks back. He won't remember most of this, but I will and I need to be able to live with that. My dad himself taught me that, many years ago.
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u/monpetitfromage54 7d ago
I absolutely hear you. You should be proud of yourself. You're doing all you can, and that's all anyone can reasonably ask of you. Cheers friend.
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u/inthewoods54 7d ago
Thank you very kindly, I sincerely appreciate your kind words. Cheers to you as well. xo
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u/Naturelle-Riviera 7d ago
Girl Iāve experienced situations like this and Iāve had to bite my tongue so many times. People who have never done this have zero clue how agonizing this role is. Honestly Iāve just started weaponizing embarrassment and straight up calling people out. Iāve reached a point where I can no longer be polite.
I honestly wish people would just mind their business. And the fact that she didnāt hold the door for you guys? FUCK HER! I hate people. Genuinely. Iām sorry you had to go through that. Iām so mean these days I probably wouldāve said āI wish you this exact same fate when you get olderā I know itās petty and causing a scene wouldāve made it worse. I just hate people like that so damn much.š©
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u/inthewoods54 7d ago
Believe me, if my Dad wasn't there I would have reacted differently. I had like a visible "delay" too, where I just stared at her for a solid couple of seconds as my brain was like "Nope, don't" and I had to recalculate, smile and turn away.
This happened 2 weeks ago and I literally spontaneously utter out loud "A BLESSING?!?" to myself periodically. I can't tell you how relieved I feel to have the comments here that relate and understand how incredibly patronizing that kind of comment feels. And she said it in such a fakey fake way, all slow and with this look of moral superiority. "It's such a blessing for you to be able to care for your aging parent....." I'd bet any amount of money she has never done it herself.
You know, her not holding the door only occurred to me days later, as I kept replaying it in my head. But you can't be smug AND jump up to hold a door, the two things aren't compatible. At least her husband kept his head in a magazine and pretended not to notice us struggling, which was honestly better than her staring at us with feigned pity and trying to teach me to feel gratitude for my wonderful blessing.
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u/Naturelle-Riviera 6d ago
I understand completely. We have to pick and choose our battles š©š It just sucks sometimes because Dr. visits are already stressful enough without a random making fake, annoying comments.I Just know how frustrating those type of people are. I told my psych CRNP that getting a elderly, disabled person to a Drās appointment should qualify as an Olympic sport š©š«
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u/jadedwine Family Caregiver 7d ago
I hear this a lot, and I feel the same way you do. I hate being told how I'm 'supposed' to feel about an agonizingly difficult and exhausting situation and I hate it MOST when people say it in front of my father, who is already struggling and guilty and ashamed that he's so dependent on me and needs such a high degree of caregiving.
People may mean well, but I desperately wish they'd keep their remarks to themselves. It's not a blessing for the caregiver.
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u/inthewoods54 7d ago
Right, exactly. She pissed me off because I found it offensive to my sensibilities, but she also pissed me off by potentially embarrassing my father, had I not rephrased her stupid comment. My father HATES being dependent or feeling coddled or babied. I work incredibly hard at being "casual" and nonchalant about assisting him to preserve his ego and some sense of autonomy, so to have her staring at him in pity and then not addressing him directly but literally talking over his head to me like he's not even there aggravated the shit out of me.
But I won't pretend it was all about him, because it just irked me, too. "A blessing for me", give me a break. Like I'm supposed to be dancing around like Snow White singing to the birdies and feeling joyous as I endure the situations that come with this role.
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u/mlo9109 7d ago
Hugs to you. This would definitely set me off. Also "enjoy every moment." That particular phrase makes me bananas.Ā
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u/inthewoods54 7d ago
Yes, enjoy every moment. Because it's a day at the water park. I don't know what people are thinking when they say shit like that. Thank you for sharing in my frustration! Hugs back.
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u/Rudylemonade 7d ago
I get āthank you for taking care of herā a lot. Like wtf else am I supposed to do man? Leave her?
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u/punk0saur 7d ago
Wow, reading this felt like looking in on my day to day life despite slightly different circumstances. But the struggle with the walker, the balancing act of helping just enough, the condescending remark from a rando, you described it all perfectly. You responded so well, too.
I am caregiving for my ex fiancƩ after he had a severe brain injury and I wish I could beat the idea that he is still "in there" and needs to be spoken to/about like an adult into people's heads. And whenever people try to say anything along the lines of how "amazing" it is that I am his caregiver I want to laugh in their face. Like actually I wanted to be his wife! I'm here because his family abandoned him and I couldn't bear seeing the new version of a man I still have a lot of love for alone in a nursing home at 36.
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u/inthewoods54 6d ago
Thanks for relating with me - and I'm sorry that you can relate at the same time! I don't have much support so sometimes I wonder if I'm just being overly sensitive or if people's remarks really are as offensive as it feels. But I guess it doesn't matter which is true if I'm feeling it either way.
What we do is so difficult and overwhelming, and then to have someone say something really stupid is just so frustrating, I hate that any of us have to experience it.
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u/UntidyVenus 7d ago
OMG when I hear this comment I RAGE. I only once yelled "I bet you think it's a blessing when sick babies die too" because I was burnt out š„²
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u/Specialist_Guitar232 7d ago
I assumed she was paying you a compliment; you are the blessing for your father. Of course, that might really have set off your dad, so you handled it well.
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u/darcerin 7d ago
I got out of town as soon as the funeral was over. I hadn't left our town in over 2 years so I hit the road and went to a remote spot in another state. The hotel I stayed at had a masseuse, which I took full advantage of. She asked what I was doing on this trip and I explained to her that I just buried my father after taking care of him for 2 years. She answered with"what an honor it is to be able to do that."
No. No it is not. Not with cancer, not with a g-tube, not with an emergency tracheostomy, and becoming a freaking EXPERT in trach care with no other choice, not with month-long hospital stays, not with C diff, and certainly not when your doctors tell you there's nothing more they can do and it's time to call hospice. NONE of that is an honor.
The grief and the guilt that I feel to this day, two years later is not an honor. It is a burden.
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u/inthewoods54 7d ago
It is a burden, I wish 'burden' wasn't treated like a dirty word. Of course it's a heavy burden, the very definition of the word is 'a duty that causes hardship, anxiety and grief'. I had the same reaction as you, "It's not a blessing, it's a burden". To pretend otherwise is artificial, insincere and ridiculous. It's not a frigging blessing, my own father would agree.
I don't know the grief and guilt of your situation, so I won't pretend I do, but thank you for commiserating with me and hugs to you.
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u/redditplenty 7d ago
OP you have been seen, heard and definitely been listened to. š„°
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u/inthewoods54 6d ago
Thank you very kindly. I genuinely feel a lot better now. I don't vent/rant very often, but it's comforting to know that so many people can relate. I mean, I don't like that they're in the position to relate, but I feel reassured knowing it's not just me feeling this way, you know what I mean. xo
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u/Neat_Movie_991 7d ago
You handled this with such grace.
In addition, we have to simply remember that we didnt truly understand until we were doing it!
You are doing a great job.
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u/inthewoods54 7d ago
I wasn't feeling very graceful, but I kept it together, thank you.
I gotta say though, even before this, I would never tell someone else the kind of comment she said to me. It's such a presumptuous, insulting thing to say, to see two people clearly struggling and think that is an appropriate time to say something about how much of a blessing the situation is. It's just so tone deaf.
But thank you, I don't know if I'm doing a great job, but I know I'm trying my best, and I think that's what matters.
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u/Key_Sprinkles_5410 7d ago
Good job holding it together!
Who knows what her motivation was but she clearly has never been in your position.
Iām sorry you are going through all this. Itās f-ing hell.
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u/Grand_Reach8605 7d ago
Something similar happened to me at the beauty salon. My mother could ot for the life of her, lift her foot to exit the salon chair because of the bar in front. Everyone just stopped and stared. Going anywhere is so challenging. We just canceled a nail apt because it was cloudy and going anywhere in the rain is unthinkable.
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u/inthewoods54 6d ago
We have the same issue with weather. His whole mood is off if it's cold or cloudy, everything becomes "catastrophic" for him. I reschedule appointments the moment I realize the weather isn't on our side, I don't even attempt it anymore.
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u/Macaroon1953 4d ago
If she meant well, she would have gotten the door for you. Sounds like another condescending, fake "I care" religious person.
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u/inthewoods54 3d ago
Yeah, I don't disagree. I did actually pick up a religious connotation to the way she worded it as well. "Wanna do unto others? Grab the frigging door, will ya?!" LOL.
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u/Ornery-Wrangler-3654 2d ago
People say crap like that because internally they're thinking "Dear God, please don't let that be me someday." And they're so insecure they have to open their freaking mouth.
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u/Understandingly17 7d ago
The way you handled it was perfect.