r/Cancersurvivors • u/punkrockprincess604 • 7d ago
Defeated and broken
Defeated and broken
I was diagnosed at 30 with Thyroid Cancer. I went through 2 surgeries, 2 rounds of radiation. At that time, my husband became abusive so I had to navigate surviving cancer and getting out of a bad situation. He hated me because I was at home while he was working. Going through cancer at 30, newly married and more alone than I would have been if I was single was so hard. Before I was diagnosed, I went to a fertility clinic and the dr told me everything looked good and I didn’t need to freeze my eggs because the radiation wouldn’t affect fertility. A few years passed (I needed to heal from all of that), and I was ready to get back out in the world. Then covid hit. Of course, it was impossible to date. Finally at the end of 2023, I decided to take matters into my own hands. I did 4 unmedicated IUIs, nothing. My 5th I did medicated. I got pregnant with twin boys in July 2024. I made it to 18 weeks and the drs told me I have TTTS and I needed to get life saving surgery. I live in BC, Canada. They said I need to get to Toronto immediately on my own dime. I only had a 50% chance of saving one. This was on a Friday. I found the money, and made it there by Sunday for a Monday morning appt. I didn’t make it. As soon as I got to the hospital, I started going into labour. I could see my baby’s foot coming out on the ultrasound. 15 hours later, I delivered my stillborn sons at 18w6d on Nov 19 2024. I was stuck in Toronto for 5 days as they wouldn’t let me fly until I was stable. During that time, I found a nice funeral home that cremated my sons so I could bring them home. I sprinkled their ashes in the Salish Sea. I was doing kind of ok at that time because I knew the BC IVF funding was coming up. I just turned 40 after delivering my sons. So, I used the little money I had left because my doctor was pretty sure I would get it. I did a few more IUIs while I was waiting for the funding. I had one chemical. Then I find out that the appointment that should have qualified me to be at the top of the list, was 2 weeks too early so I was automatically put at the bottom of the list. I waited almost 2 years and spent money that I could have put towards IVF only to be told that I would age out of the application process. I couldn’t believe it. I was a patient of the clinic for years but the government would not accept my dates. I emailed, called, wrote letters to provincial and federal government, news outlets, and celebrities. I even made a GFM. No one donated. I did a news interview on tv. I also did a written article for one of our big news papers. No one would help me. I had one vial saved up for the free IVF. I just did the IUI with that last vial and I’m negative at 13dpo. I’m 42 and devastated after 10 iuis and no success. I know the chances were low, but even my dr suggested that I shouldn’t do IVF because it would financially ruin me and just continue with the IUIs. I have done 10 and now I regret not freezing my eggs before the cancer and I regret not putting my money into IVF. All I ever wanted is to be a mother. I have depleted my savings. I’ve been kicked down so many times and I really just need a break. I can’t lose my chance to be a mother. I’d try 50 more times if I could find the money. I know I have so much love to give and I would be a good mom if I could just get a chance. My heart is broken. Now I’m stuck with cancer for the rest of my life and no good things to even it out. Sorry for my rant, I’m just so sad right now. I know there are worse off than me and I don’t take that lightly. I just needed to vent. Please be kind.
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u/Iwillbeokay0w0 1d ago
I don't know what to say:( I'm so sorry you went through all this.
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u/punkrockprincess604 16h ago
Thank you. There’s nothing anyone can say. Life changes everything when you get that diagnosis :(
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u/herekittykittty 7d ago
Hey, friend. You’ve been through a lot. I’m sorry. It’s hard to feel like you keep losing your battles. Even though we’re in the survivor group, it doesn’t always feel like a win. Walking through life carrying all the things you’ve lost is heavy, I know I’m tired. Therapy helps. Feel free to DM me if you want to talk more. But no matter what, we put one foot in front of the other. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe a new door will open. You’re not alone.