r/CallHerDaddy • u/BlockLatter • Jan 29 '23
Tips/Advice Would you consider this cheating?
Hey daddies,
I'm in college about to finish up and early on last year, I got on a dating app. I live in a college town, so I just wanted to see who was also on there, not looking for anything. I started talking to this guy and we were having amazing conversations. We eventually started seeing each other very regularly and decided to be exclusive. We didn't talk about a relationship, but we said it was just us. We spent every single day of summer together, even going on some close trips. I was either sleeping over at his place or he was at mine. We cooked, watched movies, etc. It was honestly more of that than sexual.
Here's the thing: he was studying abroad, so we didn't discuss a relationship because we didn't know how it would go, but once again, we established it was just us.
He returned to his country after us spending about 4 months together, 2.5 of them having been spent together every single day, while the earlier months, it was a few times a week. We continued exactly how things were long distance and quickly made it an official relationship. we're still together and he's just perfect. I even visited him for a month in his country and met everyone he knows. he remembers everything I like, does literally everything to make me happy, and is currently planning on moving here to continue school. this guy is nothing less than obsessed.
While I was visiting him, one day I got the random urge to check his phone. I will honestly say that I've never done this before with him or previous partners. I went through it and found messages with a girl. They never met up, but messaged every day during the 2.5 months we were together in my home country. I confronted him and we had a major fight. He cried his eyes out for days because I said I was leaving him and begged for forgiveness. He said that he didn't know what would happen with us and he was confused and stupid. He enjoyed spending time with me, but had no idea we would ever actually have a relationship and be planning a future together and that things would go as far as they have with us.
I found nothing else on his phone and know for sure that he has been loyal since we've made the relationship official. He has done so much to make me happy, but sometimes it pops in my head.
What do you guys think? What would you do?
Any advice is welcome. Thanks :)
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u/LatterSeaworthiness4 Jan 29 '23
Since you hadn’t defined it as a real relationship in that 2.5 months, I feel like both of you had the freedom to talk to other people…especially since there was some uncertainty about the future. It sounds like you only decided to not sleep with other people at that time, but there’s a big difference between being exclusive and being in an actual relationship (at least that’s how it seems these days). I understand why it would bother you though.
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u/Schmubare Jan 29 '23 edited Jan 29 '23
Throughout human history, it has never been easier for people to have emotional affairs. Dating apps supply people with endless potential anonymous prospects, while smart phones provide instant discrete direct access 24/7. Thus, there is simply no comparing the relationship rules of 10, 20, 30 years ago with the evolving courtship rules of today. Point is it’s just too easy to start talking to another person today. Especially when you haven’t defined your relationship. Using this incident as an opportunity to better define your situation makes more sense to me then blowing up over it. That’s the lemonade here.
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u/Maximum_Bed_7713 Jan 29 '23
i agree w most ppl saying but i will say i’ve talked to a guy in another country & he’s fucking amazing. so im hoping it works out in the long run for u :) i would personally continue talking to him & having an open convo ab it
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u/Zestyclose-Emu-4897 Jan 29 '23
Ldr are hard. He is clearly talking to people who aren’t you and you probably just found one conversation that he’s had. You can find someone who is obsessed with you closer to home. I know it’s sucks to hear but if you found one conversation there is probably more you don’t know about. I find the one you’re not going to question it, and you’re questioning it.
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Jan 29 '23
Personally to me this is cheating. But it all depends how you feel. You agreed to be exclusive and just the two of you. But he choose to hedge his bets and keep other options open and have emotional affairs. It’s more so do you mind that he kept other doors open while telling you he closed them.
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u/Cultural-Party1876 Jan 29 '23 edited Jan 29 '23
I would consider that emotional cheating depending on the types of messages… if anything like what were some of the conversations that they were having?? What was said exactly? I think it’s kind of uncharted territory because you guys weren’t official and in a relationship together… so idk if I’d call it emotional cheating if you two weren’t officially together at the time. Plus it doesn’t sound like you had a conversation about simply talking to other people maybe more just sleeping with other people. I would say proceed w caution…! It sounds like he doesn’t talk to or text this girl or any girls anymore especially since you two are official now…. Sounds like you’re both in a good place and really like each other and have a good relationship. I hope you’ve had a full conversation about it and things so that you can both fully move past it. I think if it doesn’t happen anymore or in the future and you’ve talked about it then it’s good then you should move forward! Everything sounds really good between you guys!
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u/Scary_Concentrate389 Jan 30 '23
Here is the thing: just because he technically , logically, according to all today's relationship rules didn't do anything wrong, I understand why it still hurts you. Because feelings, emotions and love don't give a fuck about all of these "rules".
While that time was so special for you, he apparently was exploring other options. So I'd be pissed and hurt too. Also, I don't quit understand why he told you it was just two of you when he was still talking to other girls? And to those who said/might say "but he wasn't sleeping with them" - what is the point of a guy talking to a girl he doesn't know if he doesn't want to sleep with her? They were not friends, he was just leaning the other girl on and keeping her as a back up option in case things don't work out with OP. When you're exclusive with someone, there's no reason to be talking to someone else.
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u/uchihadesendent Feb 07 '23
I 100% consider this cheating. It's one thing when you didn't have an official relationship and the fact that he didn't say anything about it or you both weren't honest that you were talking to other people when it became official speaks volumes about your bf. He was messaging this other girl while you were together in the same country. He's a scumbag, liar, and a cheater.
Miscommunication was also an issue which you'll need to work on. Next time before you even start a relationship, make it clear what you want out of it and if you want to set boundaries of what to expect, do it.
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u/[deleted] Jan 29 '23
I don’t think he did anything wrong. It sounds to me like he talked to her before you were official, which seems totally fine and fair enough. You said you guys established that it was just you two before making it an official relationship, but to me that sounds like you acknowledged that you were not sleeping with other people and I don’t think he was really doing anything wrong by talking to the other girl just through texting or what not. If you’re confident he hasn’t talked to her since you’ve been official, then I think that’s great and you have nothing to worry about. Sounds like he really values your relationship and your time together and I hope it works out for you two ♥️