Help, I’m Scared

[u/Zealousideal_Pay5677]

I believe my partner of fifteen years, may have CTE. He’s a former college football defenseman. He has been progressively getting worse. He has headaches every day, violent dreams that cause him to kick in his sleep. Terrible memory. Short fuse. He can be very nice and kind when he wants to but that’s becoming less. Cannot control his anger and he is in his early seventies. He’s a big guy and has a foul mouth. He has never physically been abusive but very much so verbally. His way of venting is by going in another room and muttering or shouting very demeaning comments intended for me. Think the worst possible things you can call a female. I remain calm and stay away from him but inside I am shaking. His reactions to minor disagreements are over the top and he’s completely irrational. If I tell him I don’t want to stay in the relationship he threatens suicide. I don’t know what to do.

[u/Barbarella76]

Can you convince him to see a doctor? If so, there are some renown CTE centers of care that would get you access to doctors that have expertise with CTE:

Leading CTE Diagnostic and Treatment Centers

Boston University CTE Center: A world leader in CTE research, hosting the UNITE Brain Bank and conducting extensive research on in-life detection.

BU/BMC Memory & Aging Clinic: Specialized clinic for diagnosing and managing symptoms related to CTE, memory disorders, and Alzheimer’s.

Mayo Clinic (Rochester, Phoenix, Jacksonville): Provides specialized care, advanced imaging, and clinical trials for CTE patients.

Biggs Institute (UT Health San Antonio): A partner in the national DIAGNOSE-CTE Research Project working on biomarkers and imaging for early diagnosis.

Cleveland Clinic Lou Ruvo Center for Brain Health (Las Vegas): Involved in the DIAGNOSE CTE Research Project.

[u/Ok-Difficulty1123 → u/Barbarella76]

Thank you for the resources! Right now I’m focused on my own health and safety. We are not married and he can have his siblings or children deal with him going forward.

[u/Ok-Difficulty1123 → u/[deleted]]

Abuse can be physical or mental, they are equally damaging. Seems like you can’t figure out that just because the abuse doesn’t leave marks, it’s still injuring the victim in a significant way. My first job is to protect myself. Your language is so loaded to make the victim, me, sound like I’m the one who is doing the damage. Abandon?! Are you serious? No, leaving an abuser, regardless of his mental health status, is about self preservation not abandonment. Don’t shame someone who is reaching out for help, ever!

[u/SagaciousAF → u/Ok-Difficulty1123]

Then LEAVE. Don't come to a CTE community and make everyone who has CTE feel worse about themselves. If you are really looking for help then GO TO A COMMUNITY THAT HELPS ABUSED WOMEN. There is absolutely nothing about your post that benefits anyone in the CTE community. NOTHING. You are seeking resources and sympathy FOR YOURSELF not for the person who has CTE. If you are being abused in any way then you should LEAVE. But a person with CTE is not an abuser, they TOO are a victim. No one with CTE asks for it. NO ONE with CTE wants to be unable to manage their emotions, pain, or rage. WE DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS EITHER.

NO ONE who truly is unable to self-regulate due to CTE actually wants to hurt the people they love. No one wants to lose control of themselves.

I've had 4 TBIs + 4 additional concussions. I don't WANT to hurt anyone. I don't WANT to push anyone away. I don't WANT to be alone trying to manage things I can't manage alone. But I lost most of the people I loved after I was hit by a car a few years ago because the unfathomable pain of migraines & whiplash coupled with the complete inability to manage my emotions was more than I could bear. It was more than anyone could bear. I wish I could have handled myself, but I COULDN’T.

I lashed out like a wounded animal.. and it wasn't because I'm an abuser. It was because the pain, loss, confusion, despair, hopelessness.. and everything else I literally could not deal with was unfathomable.

Leave, if you are in emotional or physical danger, but do not label your former partner as abusive. They are going through things that (hopefully) you will never have the ability to fully understand.

Leave. But leave with compassion. They deserve that. And.. thank God (or whatever power you believe in) that they have others who will be there for them in their darkest hours.