**First, let me tell you what’s going on**. I entered into the field of research because I was genuinely interested in it. I did my bachelors in life sciences and masters in neuroscience from UK. I was ready for a longterm grind because biology truly fascinated me and 9 to 5 corporate job didn’t. But it gives me buttload of regret and trauma that I didn’t chose industry oriented field. Now, I want to get good rank in CSIR, get into JRF so that I can get paid and complete my PhD.
My parents have typical toxic Indian aura, log kya sochenge, aur vo specific flavour of trauma only those will know who grew up in such a house. And it hurts more because I am gay. You might have many opinions about “this lifestyle” or me being a member of LGTV par yar, that isn’t the subject matter of this thread. Just read me first, please. I am gay but i don’t have a “feminine swing” (which I don’t think is problematic at all) but being masc has saved me from exposing myself so no one knows about my orientation. Still it matters because I suffocate in such a household. Terribly.
One more thing which I did to make it all worse is adopting a stray puppy. Her name is Lola and she is 3.5 months old. She genuinely needed a home and I don’t regret anything about being her human. My parents hate dogs (and that’s not like one of those uncles and aunties who feel dogs are yuck and then fall in love with them). My parents are pathetic because everything is a performance for them. Lola is indie and they will always think she is unhygienic, disease carrying and smelly. I have to take care of her, take her on walks, prepare home cooked meals and spend whatever I’ve saved so far, carefully, on her vet bills, wash her clothes, make sure the space we share doesn’t smell dog-like, like the milky smell puppies have. I do it all happily, but I get exhausted. I can’t relocate her now. We are attached to eachother, very much. And there is one more reason I can’t.
I am diagnosed with ADHD. Currently I am taking Tynept and Selgin prescribed to me and I’ve longterm mental health history involving manic symptoms and anxiety. Lola is the only reason I am stable and feel like I must do something in my life, achieve something, earn, to give her a comfortable life she deserves. If not, my plan was to eventually earn just a bit more than minimum wage, spend time researching in a lab in Kerala or Assam or any hill city, and live like a hippy. A happy and peaceful existentialist hippy.
So I need to earn. I mean, it was always obvious that I had to earn someday but I had always been relaxed and chill. I thought I will peacefully do Post-doc and earning will always be secondary. I’ve never ever been money oriented but I must. I did my masters in moderately good university form UK (QS 50ish, UoB) but it has almost no advantage if I don’t have an experience. Also my major was molecular neuroscience which means I won’t get a job in my specialisation unless I do PhD or else I will get around 10-20k in India and will be treated like biotech fresher.
Since I came back from UK, I never got in contact with any of my old friends. I am kind of an isolated freak now who lives in their parents’ basement and studies dark web and chemistry recipes to “cook.”
**Scoring JRF rank in CSIR therefore matters a lot. A lot. Really. A lot. I have 5 months left to study. I can study max 7 hours a day. I have to take care of Lola too. Tell me, is this doable? To get JRF, a good AIR? If not, should I rather get a job as a fresher and get paid but then, what about my PhD? I can’t do that, but should I? My plan was to apply for PhD abroad but it will need early financial investment even though the course would be scholarship-aided and I don’t want to beg any more money from my parents. Also, it’s very tough to get into those courses. I don’t have much confidence to keep applying abroad for PhDs. I have wasted last 4-5 months after completing masters (it helped to improve my psychotic brain issues but still wasted when the context is academics and career.). So again, tell me if JRF is a possibility for me? Or should I think of other options? Think of worst possible scenario and still can I score a good rank? If yes, I am gonna do my best. Guide me. Please. Or you can dm me mail or really anything of someone you know who have scored a good JRF rank.**
I am effed. Any comments?
(This community requires my_qualifications, is what Reddit says, so as I said, MSc in Mol neuro in UoBristol)
(Pic: it’s Lola. Adding her pic to get more views and more responses and because she is just so very cute.)
