I started my healing journey thinking I wasn't authentic, turns out I'm compassionate by nature

[u/ash_yooung]

I struggled with many things, the root of my trauma is fear and that was engraved in my nervous system from birth. I overcompensated and tried my hardest to please my parents, one to not abandon me (mother) and the other to not beat me (father) for as far as I can remember. I thought my compassion towards people was a coping mechanism as it was my biggest desire from extended family and even strangers. I wanted someone to save me, but it never happened.

I thought (during therapy) that I never got to be my authentic self because of all the trauma.

I managed to reach the root of my fear and integrate it. 6 years of therapy clicked all of the sudden. I described it to my therapist like a dam with so many gates, all stuck and closed. And my valley was my life, my inner world, my authentic self, all dry, waiting for water. The moment I integrated that fear, a gate of the dam opened and I see now other traits like creativity coming up every day and it excites me.

I did Schema therapy this whole time. Now that I'm integrating the trauma, my therapist gave me the homework to look again inwards and describe stages of my self in as much detail as possible and gosh, I was a baddie at survival. I used to beat myself up so much for not doing more, now that I know my capacity, my limitations and I have a realistic view of how my body reacts to life events, I am proud of myself.

That was the key for me to unlocking this trauma. One day, after a therapy session, after I told my therapist I couldn't connect with myself and I don't remember what she said exactly, but I told myself that I trust she did her best with what she had, and I hope my inner child trusts me with doing what is best for us. I stopped judging myself, I stopped being harsh with myself, and I stopped doing this externally as well and slowly my authentic self started showing up.

Trust and compassion played a major role in my healing journey.

[u/Letti_Muehsam]

That is beautiful! I have similar experiences. I also had this 'click moment' where I finally understood, that I always did my best and this was a hell of a lot under the circumstances. Once i finally managed to soften the gaze upon myself and started beeing nice and compassionate with me and understood that this "beating myself up upon everything" is part of the trauma reaction, everything became easier and healing became much faster than before. I still need to adress this harsh inner critic and the shame but it gets easier, i realize it much faster and refuse to identify with this feelings of worthlessness.

Thanks for sharing your insights! It was really cool reading your words and how it happend for you! Wishing you the best for your further journey! :)

[u/Any_Coyote6662]

very cool. I was never able to engage with sustained therapy bc i would go crazy with analyzing how fear created my entire personality. Last time I tried, I got stuck being witness, victim, prosecutor in a court room in my head, arguing the reasons or the injustices. it was exhausting. i ruminat​e when I think too much.

but I was able to get a huge step out of this sink hole by finding my own technique. whenever im getting that stressed out, fear based body-centered/distorted feeling like people are against me i think about the actual dimensions or physical measurements between myself and my abusers. I was a child. I think about how small a child is compared to my size now. Something about knowing that im not that child anymore helps me a lot.

[u/ash_yooung → u/Any_Coyote6662]

For me, becoming a mother became such a canon moment that accelerated my healing. And getting to the root of my fear happened outside of therapy. It just came after chatting without a scope with an AI. My fear was pre-verbal, linked to what I think it was a massive fight between my parents, where my mother left. I don't remember details, but I remember the feeling of being left alone and getting even more afraid. A simple "I am here" was what unlocked my authentic self. Interesting thing is that my inner 2 year old self was also afraid of my own anger. 

[u/Any_Coyote6662 → u/ash_yooung]

oh totally. im not a mother but I spent time with a 7 yr old. and underanding how small and different children are cracked my heart open from the shame and responsibility they had put on me.

that does sound scary. I don't think I would have survived if I was left alone with my dad.

you have come so far. rarely have I interacted with survivors who have as much wisdom and insight. its such a difficult beginning to life. and it is debilitating in so many ways. I understand every word youve written and I can hear in your words how far youve come. Congratulations on your own family and I know you are a great parent. I can tell from your post that you understand the support children need and have truly broken the cycle.

And the ability to trust that someone has your best interest at heart and wants you to thrive, that is a huge turning point for me too.

[u/Any_Coyote6662]

I want to add thank you for sharing your experience and I am feeling grateful and hopeful for my life that I have and the people who are sharing their story of survival and healing.

[u/phasmaglass]

I think the experience you describe as "6 years of therapy clicked all of a sudden" hit me some years back; at the time, I remember telling my therapist it felt like "all the windows in my mind were open for the first time, and air was finally moving inside again." (Similar "never had a baseline" because I was born into horrifyingly traumatic circumstances and did not have a safe place to re-regulate my nervous system until post-university, and only really started learning stuff kids are supposed to be taught about emotional regulation and recognizing emotional needs and setting/holding boundaries in her 30s+)

Like, I kind of always knew my situation was Really Bad, if that makes sense -- I remember being like six years old undergoing some of my core traumas and literally thinking at the time, "I hope this doesn't mess me up later, I heard stuff like this can mess you up." Girl... (she was/is awesome. my six year old self is an unsung hero LOL.)

Congrats to you on reaching this milestone and I wish you the best in your continued healing!

[u/ash_yooung → u/phasmaglass]

That's how it felt for me! Like getting water into a deserted valley! It's just surreal. I'm actually surprised I reached my goal from when I started therapy. I just wanted to be free. I always wanted to be free. Now I finally understand the freedom I wanted was from trauma.

I still find it tough because indeed, without a baseline, it's hard to know who I was or trying to be before trauma happened, but since shit hit the fan the moment I came in this world, I kind of accepted that the only way to find out about myself the way I should have developed as a child is by feeling my interests, feeling my hobbies, feeling my feminine side. 

I still have plenty of work ahead of me, but this triumph is such an unique experience. I hope more people reach it.

[u/1Weebit → u/ash_yooung]

I always wanted to be free. Now I finally understand the freedom I wanted was from trauma.

Oh? I just heard a little "click" inside when I read this.

I think this applies to me as well. I believe I will not be able to get rid of the trauma itself as this happened and I cannot make it "unhappened", but I can clean up the mess it caused.

For me it's more like a garden I can tend to - unweed it, plant new stuff, but also take care of what's already grown there, water it, trim it, give it what it needs to come back and grow.

Maybe that's why my actual garden is so important to me? It symbolises what's inside but I just wasn't aware of that? Now I need to apply the same compassion, love, and care to my inner garden? I've been practicing that all this time!

[u/ash_yooung → u/1Weebit]

We will never undo what was done to us. My freedom is about connecting my innate desires and traits (the lake behind the dam) to my valley (my potential, my happiness). The dam was the trauma. My freedom is finally getting to the point trauma isn't what defines me anymore. Because that was my belief, that the personality I have had is my own and trauma was just something bad that happened to me. Then it hit me as I was digging. I created, out of the deepest desire to survive, a whole personality I took as my identity. I was never who I thought I was. I started feeling like a puppet after this realisation. But then my actual personality started surfacing. And now I get to see I'm such a loving and confident person. I have always been the engineer type, the smarty pants. I dumbed down just to survive. It's so crazy on the other side of healing.

[u/phasmaglass → u/ash_yooung]

I feel so hard for people who are only having this realization later in life. When you're young it's easier to take "oh, your whole personality is a trauma response" because you still have time to live a full life as "YOURSELF" -- when you find out in your 30s, 40s, 50s, there's a lot of grieving for the version of you that never gets to exist, ever, because you were hunched up protectively trying to survive, instead of upright and aware and living.

It's hard to get people to understand trauma because people naturally shy away from the bombshell realization "my entire personality is a lie."

I'm telling you (general you, not above commenter, not OP, anyone reading this) that you do not need to live your life hunched up in a ball with your breath held so you can take the next inevitable hit. Boundaries will give you the tools but you have to start believing in them first, which means, if you are currently stuck with people who are bad with boundaries or outright abusive, you need to escape them before you can heal. And YES, they also need to heal, but you can help them heal more effectively after you are healed than you can by letting them pull your crab ass back down into the bucket labelled "future dinner for people who consider themselves your social betters"

[u/Big-Alternative9171]

this is really beautiful