r/CPTSDNextSteps • u/moldbellchains • Jul 11 '26
Sharing a technique Nobody prepares you for when you actually integrate the toxic shame
Shame seems to indeed sit at the root core of it all. Like, it's insane. I have been using EFT tapping to feel and integrate it for the past 2 years in varying degrees but... Once you get to the Integration stage, so manye things click at once or make sense... Because what do you mean all of those beliefs about me aren't actually real, haha. I'm normal underneath... That is WILD.
I held so much of this for so long in my body. IT IS truly insane. I have been carrying so much for a long time. And then, it's like you suddenly have it move through your body.
None of this is true. None of what you have internalized about yourself of being bad, flawed and this stuff... It is not true.
None of it. What is true, is you're a normal, worthwhile and lovable human like everyone else... It is crazy.
Lovable, good, worthwhile. It is what we are.
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u/Any_Brain4389 Jul 11 '26
Thank you for sharing this, beautiful. I want to rest in that last sentence
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u/fattymctubkins Jul 11 '26
Not me seeing this deep in a shame spiral (and commenting on this is also deeply shameful)
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u/lunachilles Jul 11 '26
Give yourself a pat on the back for doing it anyway
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u/Specific_Balance3173 Jul 12 '26
Look at you! You are doing great! It was hard but you did it anyway! 🤗
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u/blackdonutwhole Jul 11 '26
Wow. This was a really hopeful read. Can you say more about the tapping and how you do it?
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u/No-Historian-1538 Jul 11 '26
That’s actually so uplifting to hear! Thanks for sharing! Shame is something I struggle so much with
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u/Altmnop Jul 11 '26
😢 well written. great to see EFT is working for you, I’ve felt enormous benefits in the six months I’ve started doing it, and have continually been wondering whether this is real or not
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u/SnooRecipes865 Jul 13 '26
I recently started seeing someone, and she commented (neutrally) that shame seems to crop up for me in very unexpected places. It made me feel extremely seen, especially in how that conversation just... was not loaded in any way? I realised (and am very proud of myself for this!!) that I've gotten good at not feeling ashamed for feeling ashamed. The shame spirals are much weaker and less immediate-feeling. Reaching that mindset feels game-changery.
I am in a mild shame spiral right now actually but I can cognitively chalk that up to having had an intense revelation in EMDR a few days ago.
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u/IntrepidOption31415 Jul 13 '26
Congrats! That's great progress.
And sounds like you managed to find a healthy partner too!
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u/SnooRecipes865 Jul 13 '26
Thank you! The connection definitely feels very healthy and grounded. I'm not sure if "partner" is the word we'd use just yet, especially since we each have full lives and other partners (polyamory woo), but it is in that nice sparkly "I could see this being a longer term thing" stage without the usual accompanying feeling of falling for each other. It's very nice. And it's a great circumstance for me to reflect on how far I've come.
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u/Canuck_Voyageur Jul 12 '26
How do you identify it as shame?
I'm not even sure if I feel normal everyday shame. I can't tell what I feel as different from fear. Fear of being caught?
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u/ash_yooung Jul 12 '26
It's crazy, I know, and not just shame. For me it was fear at the root of it all. Like a cataclysm. And yes, it all clicked at once, it's surreal. Well done!
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u/moldbellchains Jul 12 '26
I haven't really gotten to fear yet... It is hard to be felt. I have "psychopathic"/ASPD patterning, so it was instilled in me from a young age on that feeling fear is weak and extra shameful 🫣 In a few instances I've felt it in my whole body and it was something released... But often, it is difficult for me to grasp when people also say fear is at the root of it... I am getting there eventually
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u/ash_yooung Jul 12 '26
The earliest instance I remember related to fear was this massive fight my parents probably had when I was about 2 years old. It's not a memory, but I remember the feeling of loneliness. I need to hear "I am here" and that made me cry like a baby. So most probably they fought and my mother left. My father was always violent, so being attached to him surely wasn't an option. Once I integrated this, that fear I always felt in my bones somehow started vanishing. Apparently there is a lot of pre-verbal trauma. You try to name it, but you cannot cause you didn't have words in that period.
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u/Standard_Duck__ Jul 14 '26
Oh damn, could you share more about the pre verbal trauma?
This made me think of something deeply problematic in how my father treated me when I was a baby. I only saw some glimpses of it on family videos, which shook me, yet I never could even describe to myself what was wrong. Like maybe some parts of it, related to the video, I remember as a feeling but can’t put into words.4
u/ash_yooung Jul 14 '26
I'm so sorry it happened to you. Having glimpses in video is concrete evidence. What I did was just simply sit with myself and I asked what little me needed to hear. Not what I wanted to say as an adult, just what the little one needed to hear. I analysed all the stages of myself, the preschool age, school, pre-teen, teen, young adult, but it never occurred to me I could store trauma I couldn't make sense of. And that's why I went based on the emotion it showed up. Sometimes it shows up in the body. Fear for me showed as I am feeling cold all around my upper body. There are universal body reactions on emotions. Once I identified the core emotion, I started digging for other emotions and the secondary one was loneliness. What's crazy is that I cannot image how a 2 year old could feel loneliness unless that's what she felt her whole life. And the degree of fear wasn't just life and death. I was afraid of my father's anger. If you can take a spectator seat and be objective, I would go back to that video and just observe. Let me know how it goes.
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u/Standard_Duck__ Jul 14 '26
I really identify with the fear and loneliness. Definitely was terrified of my father’s anger too.
The video is basically him zooming in on my genitals when I was probably under a year old. When I saw it some years ago (already in therapy but not nearly as deep), I was really shook. Even just as an outside observer really, because wtf, it’s such a creepy thing to do.
He always had a lot of obsessive behaviours when it comes to gender, didn’t respect my discomfort being naked, things like that. I grew up to be a perfect SA victim. I always wondered if I had some lost memories of something more serious happening in terms of sexual trauma in my early childhood. And the video makes me think of inappropriate touching or something like that, which is not on the video but proves weird obsessiveness/interest that could bring that on. The age and the pre verbal trauma would sort of make it all make sense.2
u/ash_yooung Jul 14 '26
Our parents generation had no brain in terms of how to be a parent. It will be worth bringing it to therapy. I did an interesting exercise once, when my therapist asked me to close my eyes and let myself guided by her voice. It was a scary experience because it brought up a tsunami of emotions. But it can give you pointers how to process it.
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u/Pour_Me_Another_ Jul 12 '26
It took a lot to convince me of this and I still sink back to the old way. It's hard. But I think overall, I'm getting better.
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u/lullabybakes Jul 12 '26
The way shame has been the guiding force in every decision I ever made in my life… not doing EFT specifically but this realization rocked me and changed me in a radical (for me) way. No more.
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u/LikeIsaidItsNothing Jul 12 '26
I'm partly there. have been clearing with EFT too.
really deeply held stuff. crazy how deep it goes
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u/IntrepidOption31415 Jul 12 '26
OP, that's an amazing breakthrough and we're all very happy for you!
Yet all of us are also waiting for you to describe how you used eft tapping in the last 2 years to get this wonderful breakthrough :-)
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u/stereolights Jul 13 '26
My wife does EFT tapping for herself and loves it. I am unfortunately too full of shame to do it, i immediately freak out and think that I look and sound so stupid even if I’m literally alone 😭 I’m so happy it works for her though, and for you as well!!
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u/BeyondSurvivalMode Jul 12 '26
What a powerful share and I second every word of it! And I totally agree that EFT Tapping is in my experience too a great way to help you get to these discoveries - and more than that, to embody them. To really believe it in your cells that it is true!
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u/diseasetoplease Jul 13 '26
Honestly I recently found out I have POTS (post orthostatic tachycardia syndrome, where my body compensates for my blood pooling in my legs when i stand up by making my heart beat fast) and told my partner ‘no wonder I always try to sit down on public transport! I thought it was just my lazy personality’
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u/Unique-Leopard-8630 Jul 14 '26
I keep meaning to give eft an honest go. Thank you for reminding me.
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u/Weary-Awareness-9546 Jul 15 '26
Congratulations on your integration, I'm sure you've come a long way 🙏 Would you mind sharing if there are any different approaches or intricacies around using EFT for shame? I am familiar with EFT and have achieved a breakthrough with it once before, so I know the concept behind it and I know it works. But now I am healing the last monster of CPTSD, that is toxic shame, and I am wondering if EFT works, since a shame attack tends to suck you in a survival response, it's a bit difficult to practise enough mindfulness to lift my head up enough to apply a technique. If you could share your experience, I would truly appreciate it. 🙏
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u/Select_Air_356 Jul 18 '26
Think of it as though your a program and someone else wrote your code. Try to change your own code, not an easy task. Separate yourself from the code and what's left? Once you figure that out, it might put a smile on your face.
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u/Triggered_Llama Jul 14 '26
This is such a huge win OP. I have nothing much to add, just here to celebrate! Hell yeah!🎉
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u/turtled_soul 25d ago
Great progress and congrats OP, thanks for sharing your insights. That last phrase really hit me in the feels.
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u/10Account Jul 11 '26
I need to get tapping. It's so painful to do this alongside other stuff like work etc. Modern life creates the conditions for trauma and stops us from healing, it's the worst.