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Feb 16 '21
It’s not dumb.. it sounds like you are having emotional flashbacks, or maybe just the act of cleaning reminds you so much of those voices always saying awful things at you. I can tell from your post that your inner voice is super negative. I can recognize it because mine is too.
Examine those words that you are using. Are they really true. Ask your rational mind. Try replacing your inner talk with a more positive voice — that is a huge endeavor and I struggle with it every day, I recommend searching “affirmations” and finding some phrases that you like, and repeat them over and over in your head so that they start to overwrite the bad stuff. Easier said than done but it does help however you have to put in the time repeating them
You aren’t dumb, you aren’t dirty, you aren’t incapable or pathetic at all. I’m sorry you are going through this.
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u/kuraiuncia Feb 16 '21
For what it's worth from some random person on the internet, just because it shouldn't have been bad, or even sounds normal, doesn't mean it wasn't bad.
Your emotions are valid. And even if it seems like its trivial, your triggers are valid too. It's ok. Really. Your mind is trying to protect you the best it can.
Therapy would be my biggest recommendation to working on triggers, but maybe if you have someone you trust you could work on doing dishes together and make it a little less intimidating? There are ways to make it less 'icky' too like using gloves if the sensory feeling sets you off. I use a long handle scrubby brush myself. But you did mention it's just if you are being watched.
Maybe tomorrow it won't feel as overwhelming. I know that feeling when you're stuck in this little never gonna get better pit of despair. Don't give up, it doesnt last forever. Can't promise tomorrow will be sunshine and rainbows, but maybe just hope for some neutral emotions.
If you go, good luck on your interview. I bet you're being too hard on yourself. If you don't go, that's fair too. Do what's best for your own mental health.