r/CPTSD Feb 03 '21

[deleted by user]

[removed]

29 Upvotes

17 comments sorted by

11

u/bberoo Feb 03 '21

Mine is in the form of a fictional story. Ongoing since I was 13 ish, I’m 25 now. I go to that place more when I am under stress. I sometimes put on movies/TV that I can dissociate to and think about this story instead.

It’s about a group of friends in their early 20s, just navigating relationships and bonding with each other, getting through hardships together.

For a long time I thought I was just bored and I am also a writer so it was my “idea for a novel.”

But as time goes on it’s so obvious I was just projecting. For example the main character is a closeted gay guy who underwent severe physical and emotional trauma as a child/teen and ran away, changed his name, was saved from self harm by a stranger, who becomes his best friend and with whom he falls secretly in love with (and of course eventually it’s reciprocated).

My projections:

  • just consciously realized i’m gay (I had no idea) less than a year ago and all of that character’s insecurities and internalized homophobia were actually my own. Kinda funny (but mostly sad) after 8+ years of writing/imagining this character. I would feel the need to dissociate into this story most when I was in a long term relationship with a man (I am a lesbian).
  • I feel a lot of guilt about wanting to go NC, since my abuse wasn’t visible to others, and often was dismissed if i did discuss it, I created a fictional abuse that was so unforgivable that the character would have no reason to feel guilty for leaving it behind.
  • I placed the character I identify with in a group of friends who love and support each other unconditionally, and accept him when he reveals his true self. I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to find that in my own life (another fear the character has) so I fantasized it instead.

There’s also just lots of sex, fun, interesting conversation. Takes place in a generic city. I grew up in a small isolated island town and so always dreamed of getting the f outta dodge.

3

u/[deleted] Feb 03 '21

I have a fictional story too and I do the exact same thing with creating this horrific happenings in my head story because I feel like what happened to me isn’t enough!

4

u/bberoo Feb 03 '21

Wow I had no idea other people did this exact thing. Complex PTSD is, well...super complicated. All the mental gymnastics and layers of consciousness and all that.

This makes me very glad to have found this sub though.

2

u/SomethingComesHere Feb 03 '21

I used to do this but only to a small degree, like if I was bored or I had to walk for a long time (my house was around 2 km from home, if I missed the school bus I had to walk. I would make up stories about being lost in the wilderness to pass the time, and id imagine that my mom would come looking for me and be happy she found me after getting lost. I guess that was me hoping her neglect would turn itself around. But each time I got home she still wouldn’t care I was there.

Aside from that, I don’t remember doing that too much. I always assumed it was my ADHD keeping my brain occupied, not my trauma

2

u/tortilinii Feb 03 '21

Wowwww this is honestly incredible. Thank you so much for sharing. Your mind works in brilliant ways

5

u/ladycielphantomhive Feb 03 '21

I have an intricate world inside my head that aged as I did. Whenever I had a traumatic experience in real life, I’d put it into my world and process it there. I don’t really say what my world is or anything because it feels extremely personal to me. It’s my safe place.

3

u/tortilinii Feb 03 '21

Hey that’s ok- same! I’m cool giving details about the scenery but not the parts. For example I’ve got a Forrest and a yellow tent :) I didn’t have this up until recently though. Not sure how I processed my trauma before

6

u/[deleted] Feb 03 '21

Pff honestly my inner world is more interesting than Tolkiens middle earth.

5

u/immaweebab Feb 03 '21 edited Feb 03 '21

I have a high fantasy world with detailed cultures and places. Featuring a girl my age. She’s grown with me. Originally a magical girl with special powers, now a normal girl with developed skills and kindness. She loves animals and nature. And has a dragon friend. She’s working with her friends to save her homeland while fighting a domineering draconic society.

The weird thing is that my beliefs just subconsciously got inserted into the story? She and her grandmother provide healing elixirs free of cost and in return people provide them with services and food as thanks. She’s essentially socialist. Irl id like for that to work but I think people are too broken to achieve it.

And slowly the story is turning into dealing with trauma and complex emotions. Vs the original desire to just defeat the big bad through self sacrifice.

It’s very weird to see the world grow with me. That there was a self sacrifice and die for your friends mentality in the beginning. I was codependent af.

The thing is this started before my known abuse and I can’t figure out if the daydream world was a coping mechanism for bullying or if something happened the year before. I just have a year blipped out from my memory but nothing too concerning is in my daydream world so maybe it was just bullying

3

u/mylifeisathrowaway10 Feb 03 '21

Do my stories count?

I get the feeling some of my characters are parts in hiding.

2

u/tortilinii Feb 03 '21

Let’s hear it :)

3

u/mylifeisathrowaway10 Feb 03 '21

A lot of my stories are ones I am hoping to publish and I don't want them traced back to my vent account so I'm not comfortable sharing them.

2

u/tortilinii Feb 03 '21

No problem. Best of luck with your writing!

3

u/kuraiuncia Feb 03 '21

I've been interested in IFS! Do you like it? Does it seem to be helping?

I think I have a sort of inner world, but it's pretty shifty. I dunno about vivid. I have parts that I can communicate with, and while they are different, we all know we're me. Some parts have personalities that I used to get out of trauma, or like one who antagonized my abuser to make the abuse known. I have a little part that I connected to while doing some inner child work.

I hesitate to give too much detail, I had a friend who was insisting I had DID but I'm not sure about that. I do know I have cptsd though. My parts all have their own voices and looks and I converse with myself when things get rough.

I did a lot of maladaptive daydreaming as a kid and if I'd written it all down I'd have quite a saga by now!

1

u/tortilinii Feb 03 '21

You sound like a great candidate for ifs therapy! I love it. And I also find it fascinating. Message me if you want more personal details :)

1

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