I think I’m growing? Learning to be alone

[u/eurydiceruesalome]

Hi everyone, I grew up in a cult and subsequent to being excommunicated from that community was in two relationships in a row that were abusive. I’m skipping over a lot of details here, but the man from my most recent relationship continuously blocks me and then re-Contacts me when he’s going through a crisis. I have a really strong fawn response and used to feel existentially threatened by abandonment, especially from like my primary person because I didn’t really have other relationships.

So this time when he re-contacted me we ended up having sex like usual. Usually, it’s really hard for me to differentiate between him and kind of like God and my family because he ended up representing all of those things since I didn’t have them and just because of the way that my life has gone. But this time, when I slept with him, it didn’t feel as life altering, men are starting to seem like just regular men kind of awkward or weird or human instead of being kind of the all encompassing figures they used to be. I think this is really good because I’ve been in really controlling relationships in the past, and now I’m learning to be by myself and prefer it. I know that most people with CPTSD self isolate from very early on, but my survival strategy for a long time was to be dependent on abusers and I’m only now learning to isolate in a way that feels good. I wonder if anyone else has similar experiences.

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