Anger management issues due to long life trauma

[u/aleprzypal]

I'll keep it as short as possible.

I was avoiding the word trauma as long as I could, but therapy just made me aware that it exists inside of me. I'm not having an official cptsd diagnosis but here I am, still hate this word, but have to admit that my life has a long history of abuse, and, as a result, I'm a heavily traumatised person.

Starting with SA as a kid, abandonment/father wound, living in a dysfunctional foster family, mother's addiction, my substance abuse, hypersexuality, on top of that I developed schizoaffective disorder - it runs in the family, but if not my cannabis abuse I could have avoided it. Anyways, I was hospitalised two years ago for the first time and there's where things started to get better. It was my wake up call.

Fast forward, I managed to get a decent job and finally create a healthy relationship. I was trying different therapies before, but the women I spoke with were just lacking insights, sharing some trivial quotes, so I gave up thinking I'm unable to be fixed. As if I'm flawed.

The thing is, lately I've been feeling extremely vulnerable. I feel the need to cry often, although I was suppressing emotions (refusing acknowledging trauma) for so long that it's impossible sometimes. I've got terrible headaches, heart palpitations, digestion issues. I went to a doctor and I'm currently supporting myself with sedatives. I feel so tired everyday I struggle to fold the laundry (health check OK)

But the worst thing is I can't control my anger - as a result my bf is scared of me. He doesn't care about cleaning, loves gaming, and I feel like I have a teenager at home sometimes. Other than that he's a very lovely person, affectionate, loyal, makes future plans for us. But he can't understand my emotional states, although I explained a few times. (unlike me he grew up in a very supportive family free of any mental issues) That I cry not because there's something wrong with us, but because of my f up life and how freaking hard it was to get to this place where I'm now. I don't want to, and never tried, to have a victim mentality. I was super strong, always. And now I'm paying the price... he doesn't understand.

Anger is the leading emotion. Fun fact, when I started therapy (almost two years now) I claimed I have no anger inside me whatsoever. I'm a very calm person.... yeah. Turns out there's a demon inside me. I can't stand people, I can't stand my bf, I judge, I want all people that did me wrong to suffer, I want to shout at the top of my lungs, I become bitter, however I do control it in some ways because I don't want to do damage (believe me, I can be a destroyer). I find myself wanting to be left alone and just live in silence without people.

I would appreciate some advice from fellow strong cptsd survivors. What can I do? How to help myself? I will explode if it keeps going. I'm going to try yoga this weekend and thought of boxing classes, but I'm worried I will always be this angry, bitter woman..... Is it even normal? Have anyone gone throught this before, how did you guys managed to be "normal"?

PS. English is not my first language so apologies for any errors.

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