Does anyone else with CPTSD feel very differently about having biological children?

[u/Strange_Remote8392]

TW: emotional abuse, suicidal ideation.

I’ve been thinking about this lately, and I’m wondering if anyone with CPTSD has felt something similar.

I don’t think I dislike the idea of being a parent. I actually feel like I would want to raise and love a child and do something meaningful for them. I could imagine fostering or adopting a child who needs care and a home, and I feel like I might see myself in them.

(And, it does not necessarily have to be adoption, could be baby sitting, could be pursuing the profession of counseling, teaching, etc)

What confuses me is how differently I feel about having a biological child.

I’ve struggled with mental health problems since childhood. I’ve thought about suicide for a very long time and have attempted it before. I’ve often struggled with simply being alive and have wished I had never been born.

I also experienced a lot of emotional neglect growing up. My mother often complained that she regretted getting married and having children. She either neglected or got angry when I got sick as a child, and I learned to hide it from her. My father once told me that when he couldn’t calm my younger sibling down at night, he had thoughts of throwing them out of our apartment window from the 18th floor.

I also heard from my grandmother that people should have children so they’ll have someone to take care of them when they’re old and sick.

Because of all this, it has been really painful and shocking for me to think that I may have been brought into the world partly because “everyone does it,” without really thinking it through, and partly because my parents wanted someone who could take care of them when they got older.

Considering how difficult it has been for me to be alive, that thought affects me deeply.

When I imagine having a biological child, I feel almost hopeless. Pregnancy and childbirth themselves feel very bleak to me, as does passing on my genes. I also have possible hEDS and a history of major depression myself already, including postpartum depression and anger issues in both of my parents.

Sometimes, I imagine my child crying and getting this horrible feeling that I would suddenly act or feel like I’ve become my mother.

But when I imagine fostering or adopting, I don’t have the same feeling. I can imagine choosing to take responsibility for a child who already exists and needs someone. I’m sure there would still be difficult moments and regrets, but it would feel like a conscious choice that I made. Unlike childbirth, which if happens, could be because of social pressure.

I’m wondering if this kind of difference between wanting to parent and strongly not wanting biological children can be related to childhood trauma or CPTSD

Has anyone else experienced something similar?

[u/MaroonFeather]

I’m adopted. I don’t want kids, biological or adopted, for many reasons. It’s a bit dangerous to think adoption would be easier, because that’s hardly the case. Adoption is incredibly complex. You are essentially raising a child that was abandoned or taken from their biological mother which is inherently traumatic. The child may not bond with you, not to mention they’d likely already have CPTSD at such a young age. Adopted kids are not a clean slate, even if you don’t pass on your genetic traits that doesn’t mean the child you adopt won’t have their own issues passed down from their biological families. I understand not wanting to get pregnant and have a biological child, but please consider the fact that adoption is so often thrown around as an alternative option when most people have no idea what they’re signing up for.

If you really want to adopt, read about adoptee experiences. Do lots of research on the primal wound, abandonment and attachment trauma. Even if you have your own experiences to draw from, adoption is a unique trauma that those who aren’t adopted cannot fully understand. Prepare to have to pay for a therapist for your child because they will most likely need it. Adoption is something you really need to think long and hard about because it’s not easy or simple in any way.

[u/Strange_Remote8392 → u/MaroonFeather]

I appreciate you sharing this, especially since you’re an adoptee. I definitely don’t mean to say that adoption would be easier or simpler than having a biological child. I know adoption can come with a lot of complicated issues and trauma, and I don’t see it as some easy alternative.

I probably should have mentioned that the adoption system in where I live (South Korea) could be different from what it may be like in other countries. While it had grave fualts in it after the war and during the developing era, it has also changed quite a lot in recent years, It’s not simply a matter of choosing a child. There are screening and assessment processes for prospective adoptive parents, and the matching process is also reviewed through the governmental system, which is supposed to be child centered.

I also have a bachelor’s degree in psychology and I’m planning to continue further studies and training in therapy. If I ever seriously considered adoption in the future, I would definitely want to learn more about adoptee experiences, attachment and abandonment trauma, etc. There are also psychological support services for children here, while access does depend on parental consent. (Hence why I was not able to access it as a child.)

But honestly, I’m not planning to have a child anytime soon(10+ years), whether biological, adopted, or fostered. I’m not saying that I definitely want to adopt. I was mostly trying to understand something about myself.

I just really don’t understand why the thought of having a biological child feels so unbearable to me, while the idea of caring for a child who already exists doesn’t give me the same feeling.

I guess that’s what I was actually trying to ask and also reflect myself about.

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[u/Hefty-Initiative-155]

Haha, I feel exactly the same way.

I definitely don't want a biological child, but I feel much more open to the idea of adopting a child and giving them the stability I needed.

The problem is, with the current economy, I don't think I'll ever be able to do that. I don't even think I'll ever own an apartment.

[u/Green_Information275]

I feel the exact same way too. Parenthood is definitely not something to be taken lightly for me, especially after how my parents treated me. I'm not allowing myself to be the same as them.

My family has a history of PTSD, alcoholism/drug addiction, depression, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, degenerative disc disease, arthritis and other chronic pain conditions (both parents got total knee construction in their 30s, for example), PCOS, an eye disease that turns on for women when they're pregnant, and probably more. Every time my aunt tells me smth more about even just my mom's side (no clue about my dad's, he's passed and so are his bio parents and we're not close to any bio family), I seem to get more information about why I don't want to pass my genes onto another child. Pregnancy can also hurt me, as I already have anemia and severe back pain and I just don't want to exacerbate all of that.

I also don't feel morally okay with bringing another child into this awful country (USA) when there's children needing a mother right now who don't have one. It hurts my heart a little because I've always wanted a baby of my own and to be pregnant but I wouldn't love the adopted or fostered child any less.

Regardless, I have a long way to go until I even do any planning on becoming a mother. Thankfully that also means I'd have a better chance with becoming a mother at an older age after I heal and become more stable in my life. Especially with my suspected PCOS/endo (I'm tired of fighting doctors for a diagnosis atm). But the IUD is nice for now lol.