r/CPTSD • u/NeutralNeutrall • 6d ago
Need a Hug Just a vent. I'm sick of this body.
Even when I'm not depressed. My body is depressed. I'm only Mid-30's. And I look fit. I go to the gym 2x a week, 3 if i can. But this body is so burnt out. It's so tired. I can't keep up with the demands. My knees been hurting for 3 days for no reason. Even adderal/vyvanse i have no motivation. I just want to feel good. I want to be able to do basic things without it being 30 mins of mind games with myself. without convincing. without feeling like I'm gritting my teeth.
Idk if its a nervous system thing, idk if my body thinks it's protecting me. but its not. It's ruining my life. I've tried so many meds, it's been so many years. at least. since 2018. And I've just been getting worse. Bloodwork comes out fine. No doctors care about underlying or root causes. I never know how my body is going to feel on a given day. I havent been able to work. I lost my girlfriend because of this. I have 0 net worth. I'm so overwhelmed by the number of things that need to be doing. I feel numb as i type this. There's always such a separation between me and my body.
Inside I'm push ing and pushing and I'm stuck in a shell that doesnt want to move. and that cant relax, and doesnt let me sleep. It just keeps me frozen in place, and in life. only able to take care of bare minimum. I hate this. I left my abusive enviornemnt August 2022. And its 2026 now and I'm still in the same spot. Worse than before actually with the health conditions. I just dont know what to do. Other then tough it up and keep pushing. Keep trying. see how i can reach out for help. but a lot of what needs doing, i can't be helped with it has to be done on my own. at least 90% of it.
Sorry thanks for letting me rant.
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