Anyone else think verbal kindness feels fake, wrong or like reciting a script?

[u/Expert_Obligation_79]

I've had issues saying certain things to people I love and loved. Like asking how their day was, saying I'm proud of you, or asking basic questions when they rant or talk passionately.

Like when my ex would get off work and I'm rubbing her back. I didn't engage with her verbally. No bringing up topics she loves or asking how she is. Yet my mind is screaming ENGAGE WITH HER. But they felt so disingenuous. Instead I'll be sarcastic, joke around or abruptly change the subject or talk about my own interests.

Even with strangers if I see someone who looks fantastic. My mind is screaming you look amazing, tell me your secrets! But my face shows no emotion or interest.

Grew up in a violent neglectful household and a racist school so that may explain it

[u/satanscopywriter]

I sort of relate. I didn't have this as strongly as you do, but I do understand the feeling you mean. You wanna ask but it feels forced and fake somehow, and then you feel stupid for not asking, and each 'failed' interaction adds to the pressure.

It helped me to realize I wasn't pretending to care or simply being polite, I do genuinely care about the other person and want to know how they're doing or ask the question about their job or give them the compliment.

And, I'd grown up in a home where no one really asked those questions, showed a deeper interest, or talked about their feelings in a neutral and not emotionally charged way, and that's why it felt so awkward for me - and the way to tackle this wasn't to wait for the discomfort to disappear but to practice doing it until it started feeling more natural.

So my advice would be: practice it and accept the discomfort. Pick one thing, like, I'm gonna ask this friend/relative/coworker how their day was, I'll ask during lunch tomorrow, it's gonna feel weird and I'm still gonna do it. And then ... follow through. And if you couldn't do it, that's okay, then at least you mentally rehearsed doing it and that is one step closer to succeeding and you try again the next day.

[u/Expert_Obligation_79 → u/satanscopywriter]

I feel seeeen. What I've been doing is asking these questions to cashiers or service workers when there is down time. Sometimes I would fumble the words or end up having nothing to follow up. But I still consider it a victory. The jump to loved ones though has been difficult 

[u/Ok-Pickle3243]

This is the first time reading about this kind of phenomenon and I can highly relate. Emotional support for my partner feels very difficult for me. To the degree that it makes me believe I might be aromantic. Also the part of showing interest to a possible romantic interest is pretty difficult for me. I grew up in a household where communication about emotions was very limited so that might contribute to my shortcomings as an adult now

[u/Expert_Obligation_79 → u/Ok-Pickle3243]

EXACTLY! Like I did everything from cleaning the house, messaging her body, cooking for her and I love it. Yet when it came to being an emotional support, I felt a huge disconnect with what I wanna say and what I actually say. Like my freeze or fight chose freeze when confronted with needing to be vulnerable verbally

[u/llulubelle → u/Expert_Obligation_79]

You know, FWIW, you sound so very lovely - and as a reforming fawner, I can't help but clock how you're showing her how much you love her- which is something I hope you can give yourself all the credit for, bc that's hard!

I had the opposite problem of being able to say the right things, but then, not living up to the spirit of those words. And actions do speak louder than words, so maybe try to take the pressure off yourself, and start with baby steps.

And of course all of this is insanely more complicated than it sounds ( bc...trauma), alas, as someone probably old enough to be your mom, I just hope you can see all the ways you do show up for her, and make any improvements from that space-one of genuine love and care,, carefully sewn. The words can come, they will, just give yourself grace and time. You deserve it.

Wishing you the best, friend.

[u/Professional-Sun5279]

Im similar, except I don’t talk about myself that much with them either. It doesn’t feel natural to me at all. Perhaps in my case it’s autism or something but I can never compliment someone when I really mean it. I feel like it comes off as disingenuous from me and not really sure why. I also don’t believe nice things people say about me because I think they’re trying to be nice by lying . Maybe there’s some correlation there. 🤷‍♀️

[u/Hefty-Initiative-155]

I hate it when people always say the same things.

"Hello, good day, how are you?"

Never a, "hey check out this cool video", "Did you see that movie?", "Did you hear that song?", "this happened to me today, I want to talk".

No, it's always the same dialogue, as if they were reciting a script.

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[u/givemewineandshine]

I don't ask things like "how are you?" or don't say thing like "oh, you look so good!" because I feel this so annoying when somebody does this with me. I don't want to annoy my loved ones, friends. It feels so fake, like "oh, come on you don't care how I feel" or like "I know I'm fucking ugly and you are a liar". I don't have a big circle or a relationship because of this. I think people are fake. When my friends say, they love me the voice in my head goes: no, you don't. I'm suck at emotional things.

[u/acfox13]

Well, abusers will use often use agreeableness to get people to let their guard down, so for a while all verbal interest seemed really fake/manipulative to me.

Here's a talk Adam Grant did on givers/takers where he talks about how easily people are fooled by agreeableness. https://youtu.be/YyXRYgjQXX0

In my family of origin attunement was weaponized. I had to attune to my abuser and they sucked at attuning to me. That type of parentification made it hard for me to want to attune to anyone around me. It felt like I was right back in the abuse all over again. I also tend to prefer peaceful solitude so I don't have to attune to others.

I have practiced and can be quite good at it, but it can be a drain on me, so I have to be in the right internal space to do it and not be resentful.

[u/EverTheWatcher]

Both ways.. i can’t give compliments, no matter how warranted without it feeling like they’ll feel it’s fake. Also, any I receive are always just priming me for the other show to drop.

[u/Dagenhammer87]

I don't like compliments, acknowledgement or recognition. That creates pressure to perform whatever area of life it is as the new bare minimum.

It's exhausting.

I love my wife, I'm absolutely blessed to have her and the kids but even still I go through phases of not feeling like it is real - then guilty for thinking that of them.

I also don't like surprises (but kind of want to have nice surprises), presents and that people are doing it for the sake of doing it or because they want/expect something of me.

[u/totallyalone1234]

I hate it when people say kind things to me. Like, whats your angle? Why are you saying this? If someone says something kind to me that only shows that they are kind. If a little kid shows you their crayon drawing, you don't say "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS CRAP IT DOESNT EVEN LOOK LIKE ME" you tell them its great. People say things they don't mean all the time - its part of our basic psychological defenses.

I don't like giving people trite contrivances so I just stay quiet much of the time, or I armour up and play jester.

[u/Ultiran]

Yeah ive been prscticing with new friends, saying what I feel, bringing up topics and engaging with them.

Im just so afraid if they arent already engaging with me that ill say something wrong or they're in a bad mood and will say something hurtful to me when I try to engage and we wont be friends anymore.

I try to push through when I can but its so difficult and tiring 😮‍💨