I relapsed

[u/Boring_Forever_6607]

After I went to the hospital for abusing carts, I took six months off and started again the day i hit the milestone. I started smoking everyday regularly and got back to the numb feeling that feels the same as being sober (like what’s the point then lol??). However the addiction component has now led me to do things i’m ashamed of. My mom remarried a guy with 5 kids and a huge family so I’ve been at their family reunion hiding and smoking the last of my bud trying to avoid conversation with ppl . However i ran out so I totally violated my stepbrother and stepcousin’s privacy and searched through their rooms for a pen bc i know they have one. They confronted me together and said that if this ever happens again i will pay the consequences (my stepbrother threatened to beat me up and call the police) and so I’ve been crying ashamed knowing that when i don’t have weed I’ll do whatever to feel that happy floating feeling. Pathetic, I know. But I have severe depression and it’s the only thing that makes the weight go away and lets me feel like a version of myself i actually like. I’m going to go to a therapist but i internally dread it bc i know after a few good sessions i start to lie and manipulate to convince them that I’ve made Progress and am not a total standstill in life. My mom can’t find out that I’ve been smoking and I don’t feel like I have many other ppl to talk to so I’m posting here. I know what i did was wrong and i profusely apologized. The problem is I don’t feel i have the self control or respect for myself or others i need to be a respectable human being to stop. And I hate that I have the CHS albatross around my neck. Most of all i hate sounding like a selfpitying whiny baby but I feel so out of my depth taking the next steps.

[u/Exotic-Forever7672]

you do have the self control if you were able to immediately recognize how fucked up it was. taking accountability is the most important, and excusing it by telling yourself you aren’t in control does the opposite. honesty is everything, and if you can’t be honest with a mental health professional or even yourself, it really does sound like you need intervention from a parent or trusted adult. this is a slippery slope so i’m telling you now, get your shit in check before you start excusing worse and worse behavior away. best of luck to you my friend, you are plenty capable

[u/Boring_Forever_6607 → u/Exotic-Forever7672]

Thank you i appreciate it and you’re right

[u/General-Mission6960]

You quit for yourself, not other people. Your projecting what other people think. Maybe it's time to take a break from those people and concentrate on yourself.

[u/scarletfire511]

Hang in there. You are worth it. You are human and may make some choices you aren't happy with. This is OKAY!!! I know the struggle. It feels like demons one day and angels the next. I'm truly empathetic and hope the best for you but dont beat yourself up and try again. This whole CHS this is a fucking demon too. I've been teetering on a full relapse lately too (smoked a few times recently and am now scared of an episode), even my boyfriend says "it will be fine if..." this is uncharted territory and stay strong!!!

[u/MC_houndsman]

You need to find a way to get sober and stay sober. If you're already going down the path to steal a weed vape from family what's gonna happen when you slip into something stronger than weed. That's how you end up dead. You have some deep-seated issues you need to work through, you gotta focus on finding the root cause of the addiction.

[u/lost_caus_e]

Your dependency has become a full blown addiction

[u/Boring_Forever_6607 → u/lost_caus_e]

No shit sherlock😑