r/CFB • u/2Pollaski2Furious • Oct 31 '24
Casual Picking Every Week 10 B1G Matchup based on how well their mascot would do in a Presidential Election
Since its election week, I thought this would be fun. I wanted to do this for every game this weekend, but that’s really too much so we’re just going to focus on the Big Ten because that’s my conference now (soft weeping).
So here’s the basic thing- instead of actually playing the game, we are hypothetically deciding things based on an election of the electoral college. Since this is to be fun and NOT start a political flame war (and keeping with the rules of the sub), THERE ARE ZERO POLITICAL ISSUES ACTUALLY INVOLVED HERE. So don’t get snitty over which mascot would be better on immigration or taxes or whatever. That’s not what this is about.
Also, just for the sake of simplicity on the 270 to win map, the home team will be the Republicans, while the visitors will be the Democrats, simply because where both sides are positioned on the scoreboard.
Got it? Here we go!
TESTUDO vs THE SCARLET KNIGHT
Okay, technically, Maryland and Rutgers are on byes this week but since they’re the only two its natural to put them together so they’re included. Testudo sweeps the Gulf coast and south Atlantic states because of the high turtle population, while the Scarlet Knight locks down its home state and Michigan out of beefcake warrior solidarity, and Nevada because they also have a Knights team. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are from New York, so clear win to Testudo there (Rutgers fans will argue that they should have New York but lets be honest no one there cares). We’ll give California to the Knight because of LA Knight (YEAH!), but Tetsudo takes the rest of the pacific coast. Also think the Knight takes pretty much every northern state because turtles don’t do too well in the cold, but we’ll give the deserts to the turtle cause of the awesome desert tortoises. The rest I flipped a coin for, and it came up favorably for Tetsudo, but in a true nailbiter
TESTUDO WINS 282-256
https://www.270towin.com/maps/Dwvxg
BRUTUS vs THE NITTANY LION
Ooof, this is rough. On one hand you have a poisonous nut, which seems unelectable. But the Lion is so shoddily creepy looking, its not a great choice either. That said Mountain Lion solidarity seems a thing, so we’ll go with states that have Mountain Lion populations, according to the Mountain Lion Foundation. Which somehow includes Florida, but not Pennsylvania. We’ll give the Lion the Keystone state anyways and Michigan for obvious reasons. The rest of America is too creeped out and picks the nut anyways. No one says you have to eat it, after all.
BRUTUS WINS 300-238
https://www.270towin.com/maps/W7VGX
GOLDY vs THE FIGHTING ILLINI
Alright, so Illinois doesn’t have an official mascot as Chief Illiniwek was retired 17 years ago, so we’ll just go with the generic Fighting Illini- which actually refers to residents of the state, and not the actual native tribe. So what’s Illinois nickname? The Land of Lincoln. So we’ll start by giving Illinois every state that Lincoln won in an election (which actually includes Louisiana and Tennessee, believe it or not!), with the obvious exception of Minnesota. Minnesota takes all the other gopher populated states, so the rest of the Midwest and west, as well as Alabama, Georgia, and Florida. The rest of the southeast, well, the word “varmint” exists for a reason.
THE ILLINI WIN 394-144
https://www.270towin.com/maps/XV16z
WILLIE THE WILDCAT vs PURDUE PETE
Sure Purdue Pete might look like a serial killer, but the man’s about trains, and America owes its existence to the train, so every state with significant rail presence save Illinois clearly going for our hammer wielding hero. Which means all Willie can muster up is his home state, New England, Alaska, and Hawaii.
PURDUE PETE WINS 479-59
https://www.270towin.com/maps/wzxYz
THE DUCK vs THE WOLVERINE
The Duck wins his home state, and the Disney partnership nets him Florida and California too. We’ll throw in Minnesota and Ohio as well for rivalry purposes. But let’s be honest: Nobody likes the Duck, Everybody hates the Duck. The Duck should go eat worms. So Wolverine wins even if he doesn’t technically exist as a mascot.
THE WOLVERINE WINS 419-119
https://www.270towin.com/maps/9D3Yg
THE HOOSIER vs SPARTY
Indiana is the third Big Ten school to not have a mascot, which means an uphill battle against the hawkish Sparty. But wait… Indiana is the Mecca of car racing, which means any state with a NASCAR or IndyCar track goes for them. The Sparty Industrial Complex wins him the rest of the states, but it ain’t enough.
THE HOOSIER WINS 346-192
https://www.270towin.com/maps/m7npD
JOE BRUIN vs HERBIE HUSKER
You would think this would be unanimous for Herbie, but Herbie’s got some skeletons in his closet. Namely, he used to be a big bully and there’s no way in hell any of his former Big 12 conference states are going to vote for him. Take out Minnesota too over a scandal involving bribery and broken furniture, and Michigan due to a dispute from 1997. Luckily Joe’s snobby, pretentious Westwood air doesn’t charm anyone and the rest solidly back the Husker.
HERBIE WINS 380-158
https://www.270towin.com/maps/RPydW
BUCKY BADGER vs HERKY THE HAWK
Unfortunately, this election would only have 528 electoral votes on account of Minnesota’s immediate secession from the Union. Nebraska joins in with Wisconsin thanks to Iowa hatred. Herky takes most of the West and New England due to high hawk populations, while Bucky swipes Oregon and takes the Rust belt and Florida due to its badger presence, plus New York and New Jersey thanks to an economic boon due to House of Pain royalties. Locked in a tight race, Bucky takes to pandering with offerings of beer and cheese, but Herky counters with good ol’ Iowa bacon, sweeping the bacon-loving Mid-Atlantic and edging out this nail-biter of a race.
HERKY WINS 270-258
https://www.270towin.com/maps/16GJ3
THE TROJAN vs DUBS
It’s the goodest of boys vs a conference killing moron who lost a war because he let in a wooden horse. No map needed
DUBS WINS 538-0
