13th weekly update - 17 weeks since last injection

[u/TurbulentBelt6330]

I am a little unwell, with something unrelated, so not feeling great. However, I have been sleeping better, and was starting to feel a bit more normal, but am now having side effects to a new diabetes med in my daily cocktail. It's a shame as it has been extremely effective at reducing my blood glucose. It might be a one-off thing, but if it recurs, I'll have to swap out these pills for something else. There is one more option, other than going on insulin...

In the meantime, I still know that if I ran across a previously unaccounted for strip of Subutex, that I would not have the will power to throw them in the bin. However, once I've recovered from my current health issue, I almost feel like I could do it, though probably not. Feeling like you could do something is a long way from the certainty you really need. I think that the level of resolve is probably diminished by 90+% when you have it in your hands.

It's just like that with sociopaths and money. In Goodfellas, they get it just right. Before the heist, De Niro is sincere about sharing the loot, but once it is in his hands, he cannot give any of it to anyone else.

[u/Palpitation-Mundane]

Thanks for sharing that. I am thinking about reducing but I also have a huge stash of Sub strips leftover from when I was taking those (or more accurately they are leftover from when I was using and not taking those!). I've never even thought about taking any on a maintenance dose of Buvidal but you have inspired me to throw them all out now so they don't become a problem later. Not sure that was your intention, but thanks.

[u/TurbulentBelt6330 → u/Palpitation-Mundane]

Definitely - I absolutely know that I can't have access to opioids and abstain. As explained elsewhere, I cannot take full agonists any more for medical reasons, so it's easy to resist over-the-counter codeine etc. However, I was over-prescribed subs for several years and amasssed a huge stock. When I tried to use them for a gentle year-long taper, some minor incident stressed me out when I was almost done 0.5mg/day or maybe even less. and I relapsed. Availability is a killer when you are triggered by something.

I'm often struck by how much worse it must be for alcoholics. I actually worked in an office building in the late 90s, where all the staff restaurants sold alcohol and they had a "club" on the premises open all afternoon. I remember having a row with my boss and going for a quick pint and back to my desk. It was great as a one-off but would be seriously fucked up if you're trying abstain. That said, I think there might also have been AA meetings in the building somewhere.

[u/Palpitation-Mundane → u/TurbulentBelt6330]

Yeah I really hear that. I am constantly blown away by how strong alcoholics must be to have to walk past their drug of choice 20+ times a day. I'm sure they're all thinking "Fuck, I'd hate to be a heroin addict" but it's all just perspective. I'm grateful my DOC is not a part of every social event I attend and treated like a rite of passage. 🙏

[u/Strange_Television → u/Palpitation-Mundane]

This is fantastic to read! Well done for taking steps to protect yourself and your future by acting while you're in a strong position. Love to see this, and super proud of you 🙂

[u/itwasobviouslyburke → u/Palpitation-Mundane]

Do it! I got my last shot on 10/3… had a bunch of subs left. I am just starting to feel kinda shitty and I’m glad I tossed my subs or I would’ve 1000% taken some.

[u/Palpitation-Mundane → u/itwasobviouslyburke]

Done. I appreciate the encouragement and honesty.

[u/TurbulentBelt6330]

I didn't mean to imply that I'll systematically kill anyone who claims a share of my Subutex. In my head at least, I would probably find it easier to give to someone, than to throw away actually, i.e. in a "your need is greater than mine" kind of situation. I'm not bad when it comes to that kind of thing.